Roe V. Wade Could Get Overturned, So Hoard Your Birth Control Now

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Donald Trump (do we have to start referring to him as President Trump now?) had his first-ever post-election interview on 60 Minutes. Some of the stuff he said was surprisingly like, dare I say, good (he told his supporters who are harassing and attacking minorities to cut it out); some of it was semi-hopeful (he said he’d uphold the Supreme Court’s legalization of gay marriage); and some of it was pretty scary (he said he’d appoint Supreme Court justices who oppose abortion). That roller coaster of emotions also sums up the 2016 election cycle in general, in case you were keeping track.

Despite the fact that Trump considers the issue of gay marriage “settled,” apparently abortion rights don’t get the same consideration, even though the Supreme Court ruled in favor of both of those. Not sure how that’s fair, but okay, I guess?

Basically, if Roe v. Wade is overturned, states would get to decide individually if they’re going to allow women to get abortions. So if this happens (please no), and you live in an unfortunate state where the men in charge will get to tell you what you can and can’t do with your own uterus, and you need an abortion, you may "have to go to another state" to get it, according to Trump. That might not be a huge deal to the average betch, but if you’re like, poor and don’t have a car or whatever, that could pose a problem. Also, and I’m purely speculating/using basic powers of deductive reasoning here, given that my health insurance doesn’t even cover brand-name medication, I’m not exactly holding out hope they’d somehow be down to spring for an out-of-state abortion. Hahahahah our country has so many problems isn’t this fantastic??  

Laughing Crying

Anyway, before I go into a full-on stress spiral, none of this is happening right away, or is even definite. But I think it’s fair and not at all alarmist to say: hide ya kids, hide ya wife, hide ya birth control. Kidding (sort of), but now might be a good time to start hoarding your birth control pills. Or get an IUD. Or get your tubes tied. Or look into that NASA mission where people will colonize Mars for the rest of their lifetimes. Oh wait, there I go with the spiraling again.

And if you’re not doing it already, now would be a really great time to implement a strict Legs Closed policy for fuckboys. Because, as history and the Dear Betch column prove time and time again, these bros ain’t loyal. 




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