Betches Love This College: Tulane University

By 50 Shades Of Betch

The heart of America’s betch population may be on the east coast, but down south in New Orleans there’s a little-known betch oasis: Tulane University. Somewhere under all the jazz music (which we invented), you can hear a Justin Bieber-heavy pregame playlist, which is 100% coming from a Tulane dorm room.

We should also note before we start that New Orleans doesn’t have open container laws, which basically means you can get blackout in public and you’re not responsible for anything that happens as a result. Seriously though, it’s glorious.

The People

Locals: There are only like 10 people from Louisiana at Tulane, but they won’t let you fucking forget it. They will always laugh too loud at your professors’ dumb New Orleans jokes, and most of them stick out like sore thumbs for still wearing preppy clothes like it’s 2009.

Northerners: This includes Pennsylvania, the tristate area, and Massachusetts. Approximately 99% of Tulane students say they’re from New York. This usually means one of three things: Westchester, Long Island, or fucking Jersey. They will all have incredible internships every summer that their daddy clearly pulled some strings for.

Midwesterners: If someone at Tulane is from the Midwest, they’re probably from Chicago. And if they say they’re from Chicago, they’re probably actually from the Northshore suburbs, aka Jewish and wealthy. Most likely from Highland Park or New Trier, where Chicago betches are born.

Cali Girls: At least 10% of the JABs in California end up at Tulane, where they sharply divide between LA and the Bay Area. The ones from LA typically spend a ton of money on drugs and concert tickets, and the ones from the Bay try to tell you what “hella” means like you were fucking born yesterday.

Business Majors: The B School, as it’s known at Tulane, is apparently a huge deal, and boy, do the kids act like it. They’re currently getting a third building, all of them newer than most of the crumbling Liberal Arts buildings, so like, priorities. The B School has sick study rooms and free printing, but you won’t be allowed inside without card access, sorry randos.

Frat Semi-Stars: Tulane is 40% Greek, but the majority of that is girls. Frats are only a semi-big deal at Tulane, but apparently some of the guys haven’t gotten the memo that they’re not over at LSU. Expect some serious SABs, and it’s probably best not to drink vat at their parties unless Xanax is your thing.

Greek Life

Sororities: Tulane only has 8 sororities, so it’s not like a state school with multiple tiers and a dozen shitty houses. Betches definitely gravitate toward Pi Phi and AEPhi (JABs gone wild).

Fraternities: If you’re looking for a boyfriend, try Sig Chi, Fiji, or ZBT for Jewish bros. If you’re looking to get blackout, go for AEPi, SAE, and Sig Ep.

During the Day You Should

Use your full arsenal of hair products, because the NOLA humidity isn’t fucking playing around, you don’t want to end up in a ponytail because of poor planning, so be prepared.

  • Audubon, a huge park right across from the front of campus. It’s the perfect place to go for a run or drink half a gallon of wine on a picnic blanket. Also an ideal place for trying hallucinogens for the first time.
  • The Fly, which is basically the same thing as Audubon Park, but on the river. A+ opportunity for sunset pics and smoking weed with no consequences.
  • Howie-T, the library that no one likes spending time at, but we have to get good enough grades to stay in a sorority. Howie-T has a disturbingly witty social media presence, if you’re wondering what you’re tuition goes toward covering.

At Night You Should

Basically any night Tuesday-Saturday is fair game to get drunk at Tulane, but most people with any self-respect will stick to one weeknight after freshman year. Usual going out dress code is slutty-casual, and you shouldn’t wear heels unless it’s for a date party. The New Orleans sidewalks are deadly, and many an ankle has been broken because someone wore wedges on a Wednesday night.

The Boot: The Boot has been voted the best college bar in the country on numerous occasions, and it’s a literal stone’s throw from the library in case you need a study break. The Boot can get crowded almost any night, but its crown jewel is Wednesday Hump Day Happy Hour from 4pm-close. Don’t schedule anything Thursday mornings, you’ll regret it. Hit or miss about fake IDs, but it’s 18+ so you can get wasted either way.

The Palms: Only a block away from the Boot, but miles behind in every other aspect. Everyone you know seems to work there, so it’s an okay last resort, but if you’re there before 1am you fucked up. Used to have a VIP section but they realized that none of their customers are remotely VIPs.

Magazine Street: If you’re looking to forgo a pregame and instead get drunk at dinner, hop in a quick Uber to Magazine Street. There are about seven million restaurants, and most of them have incredible happy hours.

F+M’s (Fumps): A shitty bar that you have to Uber to, but for some reason it’s pretty much the only place to go on Thursdays. Best known for cheese fries and pool table dancing opportunities. 21+ but they would basically accept a Chipotle gift card as an ID.

Bourbon Street: Everyone thinks of Bourbon Street when they think NOLA, but there is absolutely no reason to be there unless it’s someone’s birthday. The drinks are 99% sugar and the tourists are 100% awful.

Frenchman Street: Bourbon Street if it didn’t suck. Plenty of clubs suitable for assholes who like to “hear music.”

Special Events

Football Games: Shotgun some beers at frat tents on the quad, but there’s no need to go to the game. Tulane will lose, and you’ll lose your buzz by the end of the first quarter. Tulane just got a football stadium a few years ago, but Tulane students have yet to embrace sports the way they embrace day drinking.

Halloween: People in New Orleans love costumes, so have at least three ready for Halloweekend. Go to Frenchman Street on the actual day, and just random parties on the other nights. Luckily it stays warm here, so clothing is basically optional and you won’t hate yourself for it.

Mardi Gras: Yes, it’s really worth the hype. Tulane gets two days off of school, and you are basically drunk on a parade route for six days straight. Must-haves include a fanny pack and several pairs of neon/metallic leggings. Also you might want to diet before, because you will eat McDonald’s at least once a day.

Mardi Gras

Music Festivals: The main ones are Voodoo in the fall, and Buku and JazzFest in the spring.

Abroad

Biggest destinations are Copenhagen, Amsterdam, South Africa, and Argentina.

Where to Live

Freshman Year: Sharp or Monroe, nonnegotiable.

Sophomore Year: Phelps or Irby if you smoke a ton of weed, Mayer if you prefer a functioning bathroom.

Upperclassmen: Off-campus houses. Most of them are pretty shitty, but live on the east side of campus if you’re not tryna get robbed. It is New Orleans, after all.

Food

The LBC: If you’d rather die than eat in a dining hall, head for the LBC food court where you can get expensive salads from like four different places. There’s no Starbucks on campus, so grab your coffee in the morning before class.

Freret Street/Maple Street: The two main streets with good restaurants close to campus. Dat Dog specializes in gourmet hot dogs, and Mint is some of the best Vietnamese in town.

Off Campus: It’s New Orleans. There are like ten million restaurants, and most of them are amazing. Hit up Commander’s Palace lunch for 25 cent martinis (not a typo), and go to Rum House for dank tacos and margs.

Bucket List

  • Make it to Tequila Sunrise on Mardi Gras morning
  • Hook up with a campus police officer (mainly for help with parking tickets)
  • Hit up Cafe du Monde for beignets after midnight
  • Get 500+ likes on a post in Overheard at Tulane

Most Cultural Thing You’ll Experience

This really depends on whether you’re willing to pay the Uber surge to get downtown when anything fun is happening.

  • Twerking in the streets with small black children during Mardi Gras, but don’t worry—their moms are just as blackout as you.
  • Getting verbally assaulted by homeless people basically everywhere.
  • Fucking up your car at least twice a year due to the horrendous New Orleans roads…they’re that bad.

Drawbacks

  • Closest Chipotle is ~20 minutes away.
  • The fucking humidity.
  • It’s like, super hard to get anything done.

 




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