October 1, 2014
Twilight is coming back...yes, I also just vomited. If this was 2009 I'd be hype but after Kristin Stewart's official autism diagnosis I'm pretty lukewarm on the whole franchise. The production company Lionsgate is going to choose 5 short films directed by female directors starring the Twilight cast and release them on Facebook. There were a lot of elements to that sentence, so let's break it down.
Five short films?!? This is not fucking Sundance, you don't need to make a Twilight Film Festival of Crap. Even if they're each only 20 minutes long, that's still a full hour of my life being wasted on stammered lines and the world's most awkward sexual tension.
All female directors. This is some Lean In bullshit. Like yay feminism and all but Catherine Hardwicke was the only female director of a Twilight movie and we all know how terrible the first movie was (see: "Say it out loud...vampire"). This is about to be fan fic live theatre. Make sure to tell that weird girl from high school with the live sized Edward Cullen cut out about this. She'll for sure want to submit her one woman-one body pillow short film.
This is going to be released on Facebook so get ready for your timeline to be about as terrible as when people "ironically" like photos from middle school. How does this even work? When did we develop the technology to put movies on Facebook when ABC can't even live stream Scandal?? Let's get our priorities straight here people.
It's nice to see that the case of Twilight has at least dropped the charade of pretending to not want to be "pigeon holed" as their Twilight characters. Lol - Ashley Greene doesn't want to be typecast as the world's worst psychic - there's a 30% chance Bella is already pregnant - because her other movie roles have been so noteworthy (see: A Warrior's Heart). This does mean that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson aka KStew and RPatz (world's worst celebrity nicknames) would have to be in the same room again. Ever since Kristen cheated on him with a married man, the entire fandom has been distraught. The awkwardness from their stage kiss might crash the internet.
I feel like this might end the Internet era. Reviving cultural phenomenons that had reached their appropriate deaths seems like an inappropriate use of technology - shouldn't some bullshit like net neutrality apply here?? That being said, this might be the world's newest and most popular drinking game. Drink whenever you see something money was wasted on. Might as well start drinking now.
Source: New York Times