December 16, 2013
Everyone knows betches would rather stay the fuck home than take public transportation. And since our parents say it's rude to make our drivers pick us up at 4 in the morning and unfortunately there's nowhere for our helicopter to land in the West Village, there's only one way to get around in an emergency and that is Uber.
The reasons why we love Uber should be obvious. It's on-demand, unnecessarily expensive, and most importantly not mustard fucking yellow. Literally their cars come so fast you'd think they were 9th grade boys. If an Uber and an ambulance were in a race I'm pretty sure the Uber could stop at red lights and still win. Being #108 late is okay for me but not for whoever's transporting me, fucking duh. Speaking of the drivers, the way there is always one within 100 feet of me is more magical than Dumbledore. It doesn't hurt that they don't give a fuck what you do in the back seat, nor are 75 percent of them named Mohammad.
The best part of all might be that taking an Uber is the absolute minimum work you can do to get from one place to another. You don't have to wait outside for them, and you don't have to ruin your heels walking more than ten feet door to door. You don't even need to waste your energy on raising your skinny arm to hail a cab or taking your credit card out to pay. Our studies show that 99% of credit cards lost in cabs are lost at that moment, so congratulations on being responsible.
FInally, there's no greater way to show the cab-taking povos that you're better than them. There's practically an unspoken insta contest for who can screenshot the highest rate on Uber. See, I'm posting this pic from inside my Uber, can you believe the base fare was only $175 and 8.75x the normal price!? Obviously "uber" is just a #21 abbrev for uber-rich.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing