November 5, 2014
Thirty minutes outside of Hartford, you will find yourself in the middle of nowhere surrounded by rolling hills, herds of cows, and the distinct smell of manure. Storrs, Connecticut is the home of the Basketball Capital of the World: The UConn Huskies. Great athletes such as Ray Allen, Kevin Ollie, Rebecca Lobo, Kemba Walker, and Shabazz Napier hold the title as famous UConn Alumni, and further prove the basketball powerhouse that Connecticut holds. Betches love UConn because it’s a big state school with over 18,000 people to mingle with, it’s known for its party scene, great sports, and its rising academic reputation is great for the betches with ambitious goals. Not every betch can make the cut to be accepted these days, but if you’re from Connecticut there’s a 50% chance you’ll transfer in by junior year.
In-State: A large portion of students at UConn are from Connecticut, because it’s a state school and thats what betches do. You can guarantee that once you start branching out and meeting people, you will have friends in common, will have went to rival high schools, and have probably attended each others proms at some point. Great for breaking the ice, awful when you start to see too many people from your high school you’re trying to avoid.
Out Of State: Many students from out of state are from New York, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Rhode Island, etc. If you’re attending UConn and live more than 3 hours away you can guarantee everyone will ask you “So why’d you pick Uconn...” Bitch back off
There are few things easier than spotting an athlete on campus. Decked out in their Nike apparel and sporting their backpacks with tags recognizing their name and sport, athletes travel in navy jumpsuit packs from class, to the Union, to practice. The football players can be recognized by their larger than life stature and their tendency to be walking to or from the Burton Football Complex at all times. Basketball players are recognized by the fact that they’re HUGE, are always on TV, and are surrounded by jersey chasers at all times. And yes they drive mopeds.
Greek Life at UConn has always been a large and recognized part of its culture with over 2,000 members and 4 Greek Councils, until recently...Over the past year three sororities (Delta Gamma, Delta Zeta, and Kappa Kappa Gamma) and two fraternities (SAE and Sigma Chi) have been suspended over different allegations related to hazing. While each situation varies in severity, UConn has taken it upon itself to make an example out of UConn Greek Life. Being a true betch I’m still recognizing all of them for the notorious reputations they deserve to have acknowledged.
Sororities: Alpha Phi, Delta Gamma, Delta Zeta, Kappa Kappa Gamma and Theta have spent years trying to out rank each other to be the best of the best in terms of recruitment, fundraising, philanthropy events, sweetheart pageants, and anything else that can involve trophies. While every sorority has a stereotype, each one has the GPA boosters, the leaders, the followers, the ones with a reputation, and the ones that somehow slipped through the cracks. AEPhi and Pi Phi seem to do their own thing, and Gamma Phi and Alpha Chi Omega are still new to the game and continue to try to prove themselves to the veterans. Sororities always do recruitment in the fall, and occasionally do spring rush as well.
Fraternities: Pike, SAE, and Sigma Chi share the limelight for being the most “bro” fraternities. They all share a mix of meat heads, preppy frat boys, and guys with questionable party habits. They are known for throwing the largest parties, from Darties at 20, Rave at the Cave, to SAE Pig Roast. They may be friendly through school and partying, but when it comes to philanthropic events, lines are drawn and men prepare for battle. AEPi is the go-to Jewish fraternity, while ZBT, Kappa Sig, TKE, FIJI, and ADP all are known, have a presence, but don’t cause start shit on campus like the others. Lastly, Beta is almost always the #1 favorite fraternity by administration because they're smart, and have absolutely no violations.
Yes at UConn there are only 3 bars....
Thirsties: Thirsties the black sheep of UConn bars. Located just 50 feet from the other two hot spots, it never seems to get as much love at the others, especially by Greek Life. In reality, it houses many of the students that are trying to avoid the Greek community all together. Haters gunna hate, I’m just gunna shake, at the other two bars...
Ted’s: Ted’s is almost a hybrid between a restaurant, sports bar, and a bar known for night life. No bigger than a sorority common room, Ted’s has one (yes one) booth and a few standing tables. By day it’s a casual spot to grab a beer and a BBQ Onion Ring Pizza, and you can guarantee during daylight hours country music will be playing. Betches typically wear jeans, flannels, sweaters, or daytime acceptable clothes. Trivia Tuesdays and Karaoke Wednesdays keep the weekday drinking crowd quenched, and every student hasn’t lived until they’ve tried the notorious “Beaver” pitcher of sweet, sweet nectar.
Huskies: Huskies is the Mecca for betches. Pretty much the Oasis. Huskies is home to the 18+ bar nights, the giant projector TV for sporting events, and the mirrored walled dance floor for young naive betches that get caught dead dancing in public. Huskies most notorious night comes on Thursdays and Saturdays, where betches dress up in their most revealing clothes, for no other reason to make other betches jealous. Welcome to Nickel Night: Where ever person gets a cup, finds three friends (or strangers whatever) and rotate spending $1.00 for 4 drinks. Yes we know it’s a quarter not a nickel, and no they’re not changing the name. For one hour and 45 minutes you chug vodka sodas, dirty shirley's, gin and tonics, whiskey gingers, and god knows what else. Every students first nickel ends disastrously, and every student comes back for more every weekend. If you manage to go all of college with never getting kicked out, you did it wrong. You know you’re a regular when Buzz knows your name.
Frat Parties: While most greek organizations have a house in Husky Village, these are not the type of places to throw down. For this reason, most fraternities have off campus apartments they use for their weekend bangers. Fraternity parties usually consist of a large open basement, one brother DJ with a legit sound system, plenty of sober drivers since nothing is within walking distance, alcohol that resembles nail polish remover, and most importantly: a theme. These parties are closed events for brothers only (and special guests) and any girl that decides to show up.
Homecoming: Every fall the UConn (especially Greek) community come together for the biggest fall event on campus. Fraternities and sororities pair up and compete to be the best of the best. There’s a homecoming pageant, a lip sync dance contest, and float building followed by a parade to show off the finished product. This is a special time while Greek organizations have their newest pledges, and Greeks do what they do best, compete. The homecoming football game is a time when alumni finally have a legitimate excuse to come back and visit, and are reminded they can’t drink like they used to.
Spring Weekend: What used to be known for giant parking lot parties in X Lot, large and chaotic riots with car flipping, and the notorious couch burning - UConn Spring Weekend was legendary up until 2010. Students and visitors alike wandered off campus and down the Rape Trail to off campus Celeron and Carriage apartments to partake in the ultimate Darty. After too many incidents and unfortunate deaths - UConn has cracked down to ensure that Spring Weekend resembles Rikers Prison during this once legendary weekend. Students have recently found an outlet for their rioting with National Championships.
National Championships: If you look up “Women’s Basketball Powerhouse” in the dictionary you’ll be sure to see a picture of the UConn Women’s Basketball team. Through the month of March and April only one topic is on the mind of all students at UConn: March Madness. The Buy/Sell page of Facebook is plastered with students willing to give up their first born children for student tickets to the men’s games, and even betches that don’t like basketball like at the festivities that come with it. Dressing up in your best blue and white gear, wearing paw prints your face, and having an excuse to drink on random weekdays.
Visit Electric Blue - located fifteen minutes off campus and within shouting distance from the major highway - Electric Blue is home to the local strip club. Betches need to be reminded what might happen if they don’t do their homework.
Watch the sun set on Horsebarn Hill - a place where cow pastures set the scenery for a gorgeous Instagram.
Take picture with the Husky statue outside of Gampel.
Taste the deliciousness of the homemade UConn Dairy Bar ice cream.
Participate in Senior Skip Day where classes are missed and we’re #NotSorry.
Spring Weekend festivities of drinking outside, walking off campus, and strolling through the notorious “Rape Trail” path.
Freshman Friday - The first Friday of move-in when freshman venture out of their dorm rooms for the first time. They wander off campus to drink alcohol for the first time without supervision, and upperclassmen stand around drinking, pointing at the ones wearing lanyards around their necks.
Attend homecoming events on campus: pageant, lip sync, homecoming parade.
Participate in HuskyTHON - a 18 hour dance marathon that raises hundreds of thousands of dollars for Connecticut Children's Medical Center.
Attend a football game at The Rent and a basketball game at Gampel Pavilion.
Paint the North Rock at least once with your friends, because #Tradition, but don’t be surprised if 4 hours later someone’s already painted over it.
Skip your classes and spend the day posted up in the Student Union to socialize while wasting your points on Taco Salads and Smoothies.
Storrs has a knack for having an outlet to fulfill almost any drunken craving you could have. Sgt. Pep’s has the giant greasy pizza slices, Baja has the quesadillas and tacos, DP Dough has the ooey gooey cheesy calzones, Wally’s has the fried chicken, french fries, wraps, and famous “puds”, while Insomnia Cookies satisfies the sweet tooth with warm cookies and milk combo. Two of the biggest food obsessions found at UConn: Wings Over Storrs that offers a wings / fries combination that every college kid loves eating drunk, and again hungover the next morning. Ted’s Restaurant and Bar also has a BBQ Onion Ring Pizza that could possible be the most Instragramed food at the university. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Once you’re lucky enough to have a car on campus you can partake in the time honored tradition of hungover brunch at The Wooden Spoon and Bagel Zone.
Underclassmen: Underclassmen get placed in random housing freshman year. The typical on-campus dorms are: North, Northwest, McMahon, Alumni, or Towers. If you’re really screwed you end up in bumblefuck nowhere of East, if you’re in honors you might be put in Buckley or Shippee, and if your’e a tree hugger you might get put in West. Athletes always get the nice Hilltop Apartments, and the brand new Oak Apartments actually resemble hotel suites, true living conditions for a Betch. Greeks spend their early year living in Husky Village in 30 person houses, and wander outside in the warm weather to frolic on their personal volleyball and basketball courts.
Upperclassmen: Are always itching to get off campus, but then realize how awful our apartment options are, and spend their time there questioning the cloudy water, the moldy walls, and the lack of meal plan. Off campus hot spots are Celeron, Carriage, and Renwood (notable referred to as RedHood).
Plenty of betches travel to London, Spain, Italy, Greece, South Africa, and even Australia. Number one sign a betch is abroad: her entire Instagram is food and foreign landmarks. Signs a betch has been abroad: she finds it necessary to tell everyone about it all the time.
Anywhere away from the arctic tundra that Storrs resembles during the months of November - March. Kids usually start begging their parents / scraping pennies together the years before just to ensure they don’t experience the severe FOMO of missing the fun. Aruba, Punta Cana, Cancun, Puerto Vallarta, if it sounds exotic we’re probably interested in going. Students have been known to even visit the trashiest part of Florida you can find: Panama City Beach.
Living in the middle of no where is great because you’re only surrounded by college students. There are no adults besides your bartenders to judge your weekend actions. But the middle no where also means you’re driving about 25 minutes for real civilization aka a shopping mall or Chipotle.
The campus is ALWAYS under construction.
Greek Life is in shambles at the moment under many hazing allegations, but should bounce back once bail has been set and the organizations finish serving hard time on Greek Suspension Row.