June 3, 2013
It’s no secret everything’s hotter in the south. University of Florida betches? These girls are the southern belles that have hair full of secrets, class out the ass and the brains to back their shit up. UF boasts the rep as Florida’s hardest public university to get in to, so you know this school doesn’t just let any ratchet-brained betch in its doors. Exception: Ryan Lochte. Though he might be legally brain dead, he did a phenomenal job of balancing out the squeaky clean morals of fellow hottie/alum and NFL Jesus Loving Tim Tebow. If you’re looking to attend the University of Michigan of the South and aren't nauseated by the phrase, ‘If you ain’t a gator, you’re gator bait’, then UF is for you.
The foreign kids there for science: UF is a pretty legit science/ medical school, so there’s no shortage of brainy foreigners. You can spot them in the lab trying to cure cancer or wearing jeans while on the treadmill at Southwest Rec.
The GDIs: Goddamn independents AKA non-greeks. These peeps are straight with wearing cargo shorts, those God-awful, free Gators football t-shirts and jorts (jean shorts) on the reg. They’re the weirdos who still eat in the dining halls senior year.
The Athletes: Y’all, this is the SEC — the biggest fucking powerhouse in college sports. Florida athletes are steaming hot, purebred machines. Even E! recognized that by giving adorable, fuckable dumbass Ryan Lochte his own TV show. He and the other athletes can be seen around Midtown basking in free shots and VIP treatment or in class sleeping with their Beats headphones in. Play a sport at UF? You’re royalty, babe.
The Greeks: This campus is gargantuan with more than 40,000 students — but the greek system absolutely runs shit. It’s about whom you know at Florida and if you’re a greek (or a Cicerone) you’re golden.
People who give a shit about ‘being facey’ aka showing face where it’s important: Facey people only study on the 3rd floor of Lib West because on the off-days (Tuesdays) every Greek can see and be seen there. Facey people go to the clubs that take the “professional” pics that put up a new album every week filled with pics of drunk, facey people. Facey people go to the Southwest gym (not the top floor). Whether or not being facey actually makes you a loser is a matter of individual opinion.
Sororities: Norts (Nike shorts) and oversized neon tanks have UF’s campus dripping in sorostitutes. There are 16 sororities that range from houses of Southern sweethearts to Jewish princesses to EDM-loving betches to snotty rich girls. Bottom line: There are plenty of sorority girls to go around (and drama). What’s top tier? Depends on who you ask. Popular top tier sororities include DG, Zeta, Theta, and Tri-delt. DPhiE is mostly south Florida and northerners (Miami, Weston, Boca, Jericho, Hewlett, Roslyn, etc.) No matter how hard dphie and tep try, they will never be top tier- in a school comprised of basically 90% in state, it is only natural for all members of the tribe to stick together and join dphie or tep. AND it doesn’t help that southern guys walk away the minute a long island girl opens her mouth…
Southern guy: “Are you excited to see Josh Turner at Gator Growl?”
Deepher: “Who’s that?”
Southern guy: *walks away*
Fraternities: First off, it’s “fraternity,” not “frat.” Fuck that up? These bros will tell you. “Do you shorten the word ‘country’ for ‘cunt’? Didn’t think so.” Florida has the fourth-largest fraternity system in the nation with just more than 20 chapters — so there’s no shortage of bros on this campus. That being said, how cool can a bro who actually gives a shit how you say the word fraternity be?
This is no doubt THE place to get wasted in Gainesville. It’s a strip of bars across the street from the football stadium and within walking distance of most students’ houses/apartments, so worrying about a ride home is NBD. And on Game Days it’s a SHIT SHOW. Mondays and Wednesdays are biggest here.
Balls Bookstore: The cheapest drinks, the closest quarters and the drunkest crowd. Prepare to sweat but get wasted in 1.5 seconds for $2. Be sure to say hey to Squirrel.
Salty Dog: Call it “Salty,” call it “Dog,” call it whatever you fucking want but make sure to get a table so you can soak in the country music blaring on the jukebox all night long. Southern, for sure.
Swamp: A chill atmosphere that overlooks all of Midtown so you can see everyone being shambly while getting blackout on pitcher after pitcher yourself. Beware: Parents love to come here when they’re in town, too. “Mrs. Smith, what in the literal fuck are you doing here?”
101 Cantina: For the posh betches looking to sip on giant fish bowls of tequila in tight dresses. (21st birthday, anyone?)
Fat Daddy’s: The newest hangout in Mid with slushy drinks, gigantic football players and Top 20 music so loud you don’t have to fucking talk to anyone. Thank God.
Envy: A club in Midtown where everyone pretends to hate even though they continue to go, mostly on Wednesdays and have a great fucking time.
Not the go-to spot for most, but there’s a solid bunch of bars that mix things up from the Midtown scene. Thursdays and Saturdays are the biggest downtown nights. Every 3 days you’ll get a Facebook invite from the same guys in the same promoting company to the same club events you got invited to the week before, the only difference is the slight variation in the not-so-witty-trying-to-be-witty description… “We know homecoming might've taken a toll on most of our livers, dignity, and self-respect; but we're here to help you lose the last bit that you've got left!"
Rockeys Dueling Piano Bar: A super fun place for upperclassmen to drink away their Thursday nights and feel classy about dancing on stage at a bar. Bring singles and wear panties (for sitting on the piano in your mini-dress)… or don’t.
The Bank Bar & Lounge: For the clubbers. Keep an eye out on Facebook for promoters’ incessant invites to shit at this place.
:08 Eight Seconds: A country music nightclub that serves as just one more place it’s socially acceptable to rock your cowgirl boots. Go on Thursdays when it’s not dead.
Work out: We did say it was hotter down here. Hotter = bikini season, always. Tons of UF betches and bros work out year ‘round — mostly at Southwest Rec. The cardio machines are perfect for cradling Smokin’ Notes. Wear spandex and a frat tank all day and decide to go to the gym at a rando time, then shower, and put a new tank and spandex on. Repeat everyday. Head to the Swamp to run stadiums/ post a pic of it on Instagram so people
respect your hustle to brag that you ran bleachers.
Tan/pool: Most apartment complexes in Gainesville have a pool. Whether you want to drink your day away poolside or study while bronzing in a recliner, pool days are never a bad idea.
Study (or be seen studying): Pack up your notes, laptops and overpriced textbooks and head to Lib West if you want to ace your midterms or just pretend to study while actually drinking Starbucks. Some call it Club West because its so fancy. You basically have to put makeup on and look cute when you go since it’s just a huge social scene.
If you’re a betch it’s cool to live in Midtown off campus or near sorority row.
As a freshman you’ll try to get into Broward dorms and if you don’t make it you’ll settle for Jennings or Rawlings or live off campus in Windsor.
Betches’ Saturdays are booked during the fall. It’s the most wonderful time of the year: Football season. Wake up early, pregame at a tailgate/ fraternity, go to the game wasted/ sweat your ass off, nap, go to Midtown, repeat. The typical routine is the following: tailgate, binge drink till you can’t make it to the actual game, post-game or go home and take a 5 hour nap in preparation for going out game-night. The majority of sorority girls will wear dresses, cowboy boots, and blue and orange earrings while the non-southern sororities will wear cut up shirts, shorts, converse, and anything else that makes them look simultaneously spirited and trendy including but not limited to orange and blue Hermes bracelets.
Football is the biggest sport for Florida (duh, the South) but it’s an SEC school, so betches take all of the school’s sports seriously.
Tatu: A sushi place in Midtown ideal for celebrating under-ragers’ birthdays before hitting the rest of the bars. They don’t check IDs and saki bombs get you drunk, fast.
Bay Island: A coffee hut where DPhiE girls order a deepherchino which includes sugar free shit so they won’t get fat. Having a deepherchino for dinner is totally acceptable.
The Swamp: Probably the most well known sports bar at Florida if only for the atmosphere and tradition — ol’ reliable.
Satchels/ Leonardo’s: Two of Gainesville’s most solid pizza places. CHEESE.
Peach Valley: The most popular breakfast in town. (Is butter a carb?)
Dragonfly: Ryan Lochte’s go-to date spot/ Where betches go for fancy sushi dinners/bring their parents/lineage dinners.
Other expensive/sceney places: Mark’s Prime, Vamato, Leonardo’s 706, Manuel’s Amelia’s, Dane’s DPhiE kitchen if you’re a Jew.
Pizza By the Slice/Munchies 420: Late night spots. Munchies is obviously open until 4:20 am and is full of every high/drunk food you could ever imagine (wings, fries, chicken fingers, greasy burgers, fried ores and twinkies, The ACTUAL MENU ITEM:FAT SANDWICH = 2 cheeseburgers, mac-n-cheese, chicken fingers, onion rings, French fries, mozzorella sticks. If you order this sober you’re probably about 100 pounds overweight and you can’t sit with us. Not just you like, any of us.
Everyone is trying to blackout and tan, so most betches head way down South to Key West, the Bahamas or Puerto Vallarta, while some opt to cruise.
Like we said, football season is a pretty big fucking deal, so you’d be insane to miss a season to study abroad. Most betches opt to go in summer when they won’t miss anything on campus/ their friends won’t forget about them. Lately, hot spots have been Florence, Barcelona, and Prague. If you want to #107 branch out you’ll head to Tel Aviv, Buenos Aires, Australia.
Homecoming/ Gator Growl: A week of fun shit leading up to Saturday’s home football game including a talent show, pageant and parade. Sororities and fraternities are put into pairs to ring in a week of debauchery together in celebration. Gator Growl is held the Friday before the game and is the largest student pep rally in the nation featuring a comedian, concert and skits (one of which includes the highly anticipated annual greek joke of the year). If you’re a JAB you’ll only attend freshman year.
Gator Stompin’: The world’s largest pub-crawl. Go.
ACCENT/ SGP Shows: These two student organizations bring in famous personalities and musicians to campus throughout the year for awesome, cheap events. Past acts include Drake, Bob Dylan, Lil Wayne, Daniel Tosh and Seth Meyers.
Dance Marathon. All year long, students fundraise for the Children’s Miracle Network and everything comes together at DM in April. For 26.2 hours, students stand for kids who can’t. It’s an awesome #171 philanthropy event that brings the whole campus together FTK.
Win a national championship.
See an actual gator…
Tebow next to the Tebow statue
Have sex on the 40 yard line
Attempt to not get arrested or a MIP which is virtually impossible
Go to Ginnie Springs
In downtown theres a hotdog stand where the hotdog man will slap your ass for a free hotdog. All the drunk girls do it.
Go on wild road trips to non home football games- besides being surrounded by hicks, being in the SEC conference has its advantages when we get to blackout on a bus for 7 hours and wakeup in Tennessee or New Orleans to root for our gators.
Parking/ Parking tickets: Oh wait, you wanted to park your car/scooter somewhere mildly convenient? TOO. FUCKING. BAD. That’ll be $30. Kisses.
Hardcore obsession with with country music
ACRs: Alachua. County. Residents. These hicks are the locals always swarming campus’ bus stops and surrounding areas. They’re short in both teeth and education. Don’t let their Gators shirts fool you; they got them from the front section of the local Wal-Mart.
The hardcore debate between the pronounciation of Floooorida instead of Flarida, soroooority rather than sararity, ooooorange instead of arange between the northerners and southerners.
Frightening UF emergency alerts: Thanks so much for sending me a text informing me there’s a manhunt for a rapist on the loose. – AGAIN.
Fucking frat guys who think it’s okay to wear jorts.
Constantly being compared to FSU betches: Sure, there are in-state rivalries everywhere, but the hatred between UF and FSU is in a league of its own. Most annoying? Asshole guys comparing the looks of FSU blonde bimbos to the hotness of UF Southern Belles. But what do UF and FSU betches have in common? They both applied to the University of Florida.