UnREAL Episode 9 Recap: The Best Show You've Never Heard Of Because It's On Lifetime

By Jane Duh

So, for those of you who don't know---UnReal is the best new show you've never heard of because it's on Lifetime. Keeping in line with Lifetime's theme of "bad shit that can happen to women," UnReal follows the behind the scenes happenings on a reality dating show called "Everlasting," which is just The Bachelor, except the bachelor is called "the suitor" and he's British.

Our protagonist, Rachel, is the best producer in town ('producing' in this world roughly translates to 'manipulating otherwise sane people into ruining their lives on national television') but she also gets the sads from time to time because her job requires her to be evil and maybe she's not evil? Idk yet but all you need to know is 3 episodes ago Crazy Old Mary (the craziest and oldest contestant on the show) jumped off a roof and killed herself but now everybody has kind of forgotten about it and the show is still going because reality TV is a soulless death machine.

If you haven't watched yet, stop right now and binge watch it. Then come back to this article and read my analysis of Episode 9: The Princess (lol).


1) Quinn (the showrunner/HBIC) wants Chet (executive producer/fat) off the show and behind bars.

- So after finally proposing to Quinn and continuing to have the most disgusting sex ever aired on television, Chet decides what he really wants is for Quinn to get pregnant and also he'd like a blowjob from Madison, the 19 year old intern who wears her hair in braids and spends all day acting stupid as hell. Quinn witnessed this disgusting backstage BJ and immediately burned out her eyes and now Quinn is blind.

JK. That didn't happen. What did happen was Quinn took a secret meeting in LA while telling Chet she was going to the doctor to have her womb evaluated (use this excuse all the time tbh) but really is trying to get him off the show. Then she went and talked to lame ass Madison and says she'll help her get a lawyer to press charges against Chet for assaulting her. Only problem --- Madison liked the bj and actually found it to be a very valuable part of her internship. So what does dumb-as-fuck-pigtailed-Madison do? She runs her gross cummy mouth to the show therapist who, until now, I'd forgotten was a character. Unmemorable Therapist Lady bringsthis info to Chet and demands a reality show of her own. I guess this is how non-hot people get what they want. IDK.

2) Rachel is fucking everyone.

So Rachel is finally back with Jeremy and doesn't have to masturbate to old sex tapes they made together anymore. Only problem is Jeremy doesn't know that Rachel has been getting the shit suited out of her by the suitor and now he doesn't want to suit anybody but her even though he's supposed to be suiting the final three girls. Other problem is that there are cameras everywhere and Quinn gets ahold of a video of Rachel and Adam suiting (which makes a total of 2 sex tapes from Rachel in one season.) Now instead of quitting and moving to LA with Jeremy, Rachel has to stay on the show and help Quinn make a spin-off where the suitor and his bride renovate Adam's shitty vineyard (which, btw, sounds like a terrible show.)

So now Rachel is caught between Adam and Jeremy and can't decide who to love! Wow! Maybe the real suitor here is....RACHEL?!?

dun dun dun!!! 

Okay I'll see myself out.

3) The Final Three!

The show is down to the final three and you can tell because in true reality show fashion all the black people have mysteriously disappeared. Now the choice is down to Slutty Grace, Dead Dad Bulimic Anna, and Faith the Lesbian Giantess.

Slutty Grace is tired of being so slutty and almost stops but luckily Rachel is there to re-sluttify her. Also she goes on camera and makes fun of Anna for having a dead dad and being bulimic which is...pretty harsh...In the end Slutty Grace doesn't get the one on one and had to slut off back to bed.

Anna, on the other hand, goes on a great date with Adam and admits during a romantic hot air balloon ride that she's into nerdy stuff like "books." She and Adam promptly fuck while Rachel the Psycho watches on the monitor.

Which leaves us with Faith, the giant southern circus freak who asks Adam to pick her to help him renovate his stupid vineyard so that she can move there with her girlfriend and show her the gay utopia known as San Francisco. In the end, Adam sends Faith home. Presumably because she came out to him as gay, is in love with a woman, and is so so so so annoying and weird looking.

Bye Faith!

And finally:

4) Rachel ignores a call.

Rachel finally proves that she loves Jeremy by going with him to an extremely lame looking party and ignoring a call from her boss. Jeremy announces to the entire room that she ignored the call and everyone cheers.

I ignore calls all damn day and never even get a "congrats." Stupid fucking Rachel always gets everything.


  • Adam chooses Rachel on camera, ruins finale.
  • Jeremy finds out they fucked and gets very sad. They break up before season 2.
  • Dumbass Faith comes back even though no one wants her to.
  • Madison stands up for herself, starts becoming the new Quinn and blows whoever she wants for the rest of her days on Earth.




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