UnReal Recap: Here Comes The Bribe

By Jane Duh

The season finale of UnReal begins with crazy ass Rachel waking up, fully clothed next to topless Jeremy and slipping him a note before running off to meet Adam and ruin her show (again).

The whole ep is a finale-within-finale (very clever Lifetime) as the gang gets ready for The Suitor to pick his bride and marry her LIVE on TV, then move away to refurbish his shitty vineyard for a year and eventually get divorced. Honestly this finale was so complicated (and may have set the TV record for on camera ugly crying) so I'm gonna break it down by character because that's easier and I'm lazy.

Disgusting Chet - Disgusting, Fat, Chet makes moves to sabotage Quinn and also finds time to take 2CE. He spends the entire episode looking sweaty AF and taking shots. He ultimately proves to be too fat and too stupid and too on 2CE to do his job and makes a big fucking fool of himself. We end season one unsure if he'll be back for season two (hope not.)

Madison - Teen Madison continues her "blowing my boss was a great part of my internship" kick and it actually works for her because in exchange for swallowing, Chet gives baby Maddy a big girl producer job! Too bad she still wears her hair in braids and wears clothes from Limited Too. Here's hoping season 2 opens with her sucking an exhaust pipe.

Slutty Grace - Slutty Grace tries to use her sluttiness to steal the win by reminding Adam that she blew him (so much dick sucking on this show!) and offering to fuck him if he picks her. This almost works, but then Adam's mom, the hilariously named "Duchess of Sandwich" shows up, tells everyone that she once did coke off Mick Jagger's dick (uh??? Okay, mom???) and reminds Adam that the Sandwich family doesn't "marry brown people." This point really resonates with Adam and Slutty Grace sucks a dick all the way home.

Britney????? - For some reason Britney, the "bad girl" of episode one shows up and is now back on the show? They give a reason for this but honestly it makes no sense and it ultimately doesn't matter anyway because Adam straight up never talks to her the whole episode even when she flips out at the live wedding and ruins the premise of the show for the viewers.

Anna - Anna finally wises up and leaves Adam at their live wedding. She also calls Rachel a slut, which is true and Adam an idiot which is also true. She will presumably now go home and finally go to her dad's funeral. Also everyone spends the whole ep making fun of her for being anorexic even though she's actually bulimic and that's not really something you make fun of someone for in the first place.

Adam - Adam gets totally fucked over by everyone and is dumped on live television. Now he doesn't get his fancy vineyard and he goes back to London where everyone hates him. That's what you get for fucking your producer (both literally and figuratively).

Quinn - Quinn is the betchiest character on the show and takes the throne this ep by successfully manipulating everyone (Rachel included) and putting together the best damn finale Everlasting ever fucking saw. She also learns that love is a trap and that she'd almost been blinded by Chet (and all the Botox) but now she's back on her game and betchier than ever. She even takes a moment to mention Old Ass Mary and admits that they prob are responsible for her death but also it is very clear she does not give a fuck. All hail Quinn.

Rachel - Rachel starts crying minute 1 of the finale starts and doesn't stop or fix her makeup the entire episode. She assists Quinn in producing the greatest finale in Everlasting history, mainly by telling all the girls that she's been fucking their Suitor, and loses all her boyfriends in the process. None of that matters though because she comes up with an idea for a new show called "Everlasting: the Full Package" that would be like a mashup of The Bachelor and The Apprentice and, honestly, I'd watch it. The season ends with Rachel and Quinn planning out this new show and realizing that the only true love in this world is the love of your bestie.

Jeremy - Jeremy finally nuts up and tells off Rachel but that's not all -- homeboy ends the season looking for REVENGE. The last thing we see before UnReal signs off is J showing up at Rachel's psycho mom's house and telling her that Rachel is "sick again." Damn. That's cold, J.





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