October 6, 2014
There are few things I hate more than when I’m innocently scrolling through my Facebook feed and my eyes are assaulted with bullshit clickbait. “THIS VIDEO OF A PUPPY AND A PIG WILL WARM YOUR HEART AND RESTORE YOUR FAITH IN HUMANITY,” OR “CHECK OUT THIS HOMELESS GUY WHO’S SINGLE-HANDEDLY SOLVING THE ISRAELI-PALESTINIAN CONFLICT AND BRINGING ABOUT WORLD PEACE WITH HIS STARTUP IDEA.”
Like, come the fuck on. Is everybody who works at Upworthy and its lame rip-off counterparts so lazy that they can’t even think of a legitimate headline? If so, I can think of at least, oh I don’t know, tens of thousands of college grads who would gladly take their jobs. Last time I checked, “WATCH THIS COURAGEOUS WOMAN RESPOND BRAVELY TO A CATCALLER BY GIVING HIM A LECTURE ON THE DANGERS OF MISOGYNY, PERFORMED AS A RAP. AT 1:14 THE MAN FINALLY LEARNS HIS LESSON AND APOLOGIZES FOR HIS ACTIONS. IT’S WOND-TASTIC!” is not a headline, just a wordy summary of what happens in the video. First of all, those titles are wayyy too mf long. Second of all, “wond-tastic” isn’t a real word. You can’t just make up a new word by combining two synonyms for the same word. Third of all, since you basically gave me a play-by-play of what happens every minute of the video, why do I need to watch the video? And then the stupid video goes viral and it’s being shared everywhere and I’m getting a bit of FOMO but I still don’t care enough to watch it.
Clickbait is pretty much the most annoying thing to happen to the internet. It’s basically the e-version of obviously fishing for compliments. Like clearly Upworthy was created by that girl in your sorority who can’t go a day without being like, “I think my hair looks awesome today. Can we all just stop and appreciate it for a minute?” And the worst part is, instead of letting this annoying ass trend die out, every other website has decided to copy this strategy. Kill me now. Can’t we all take a stand as a society and agree to stop clicking on these stupid clickabait videos? That, and boycott iTunes updates past 11.9976235490.