February 9, 2015
To The Sad, Sad People to Whom It May Concern:
Stop. Dear Jesus, just stop. This isn't a Voldemort situation, you can say the words out loud. It's not "Singles Awareness Day" or an excuse for a lonely hearts party or whatever truly depressing shit you and your cat club have come up with this year. It's Valentines' Day, and you all need to calm the fuck down.
Do you understand how truly awful you sound when you bitch about how much you hate Valentine's Day? First of all, it's the most tired joke in the book. "I have a hot date...with a box of chocolates!" Groundbreaking humor, you should audition for SNL. Try talking about how bad airplane food is next, no one will see it coming.
Secondly, how fucking petty are you that you have to rain on someone else's parade just because you're miserable. The world does not stop operating on February 14th, you are welcome to go out in public and do as you please. Single people aren't rounded up and dropped into some anti-relationship concentration camp for the day, your life can go on. Pretend like you're a minority on every other holiday of the year, and just ignore it. It's like if I spent everyday of my life lamenting the fact that I'm not a millionaire, and then I threw a party to emphasize it. "Hey guys, I'm having an 'I wasn't born a socialite party' who wants to come?'" It's not funny or ironic, it's pathetic and you reek of desperation.
Also, has anyone ever heard of a good Valentines Day experience? Because for every story about the perfect night of romance, there's about 10 where a precariously placed candle lit the curtains on fire or some dumbshit boyfriend forgot to check if there were peanuts in the chocolate and his special reservation for two got moved to the emergency room. The expectations are just too high. Besides, what's so special about a night where your date is forced by societal expectations to try and impress you? It's more of a test of how well he can follow directions rather than how much he likes you.
If you have plans, awesome. Have fun. If you want them, here's what you do. Go out with your friends, like any other weekend. Get drunk, like any other weekend. Look hot, like any other weekend. The bars will be chock full of other singles, maybe something will come of it. Or maybe, just maybe, you can have a fun, fulfilling life without a man in it. Mind blown.