Okay, so let’s pretend we’ve been doing these since the beginning of the season and I didn’t just pick up in the middle because I couldn’t suppress the urge that somebody needed to be commenting on all this fuckery, and that somebody had to be me.
The episode begins with Scheana, Ariana and Katie going lingerie shopping, where once again, we are reminded that Katie and Tom haven’t had sex since they got engaged. Okay, we get it, and we don’t feel bad for you. Consummating an engagement is not a thing, get it in or get the fuck over it.
Katie: Tom and I still haven’t had sex since we got engaged
Katie: *literally turns Tom down every time he tries in Hawaii*
Also, side note: I totally missed when and why Katie and Tom started calling each other Bubba, but it’s weird.
James and Lisa’s silent child, Max, are in a recording studio making a CD because James thinks he’s an actual musician. K.
Direct quote from James: I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I’m the white fucking Kanye West.
I’m totally printing that on T-shirts and selling them; nobody steal my idea.
Turns out James is not making his shitty demo to pass out on the streets of L.A., but a CD for Pump. Bsically, he’s making 10 songs worth of background noise for the restaurant he works at. This is (another direct quote) the greatest accomplishment in his life so far. Thank you, Bravo producers, for totally putting my life into perspective.
Meanwhile, Tom squared goes to get Sandoval’s ass tattoo removed and Schwartz is sad he won’t be butt brothers with Sandoval anymore. There there. At least you’ll always share your first name and initials.
While Sandoval gets his ass lasered, the two of them rehash the convo from the last episode where Jax explodes at Tom for talking about his band too much. Why are they still fighting about this? Literally nobody gives a fuck. For a group of people who are wasted so much of the time, their minds are somehow steel traps for drama. Must be exhausting.
Sidebar: How long was Sandoval planning to use that “literally a huge pain in the ass” joke?
At the end of this procedure, instead of having a shitty A tattoo, Sandoval has a scar in the shape of a shitty A tattoo. Not quite sure how this is an improvement, but at least there’s one thing this episode that makes Ariana happy.
Later, Kristen and Stassi are hanging out and Kristen’s nervous about her comedy sketches being ready. Wait hold up, Kristen’s funny? I’m skeptical. Curious to see how this sub-plot of Kristen having a personality aside from pure psychosis develops.
Kristen reveals her plans to basically force Katie and Stassi to rekindle their friendship in time for Katie’s wedding.
Kristen: Maybe if I drag Katie and Stassi 2 1/2 hours from LA and lock them in a room together they’ll be friends again.
I literally see nothing wrong with this plan.
At Brittany’s boob job consult, Jax once again reveals that he’s secretly 5.
Jax: 5 minutes ago I was in a shitty mood until…boobs.
And Brittany reveals that she not-so-secretly lacks a brain.
Doctor: What size would you like to be?
Brittany: A full C
Jax: She means a D. That’s what you wanted, right?
Damn it, Brittany! I was really hoping this would be the time you’d actually think for yourself.
Back at Scheana and Shay’s
shitshow of a totally functional marriage, Scheana says some passive-aggressive shit about Shay drinking too much. Hold up, didn’t she pressure him into having 10 cocktails like, last episode at their anniversary dinner? Damn it, where's a gif of this moment when I need it?
Scheana: I don’t like having a drunk husband.
Scheana (literally last episode): I couldn’t be married to someone who was sober all the time.
I feel like I’m taking fucking crazy pills over here. Shay, grow some balls and tell your wife she’s making no fucking sense.
Jax helps Ariana and Tom move a couch and literally the second he puts it down Ariana brings up that incident about Tom wanting to talk about his band that literally only the two of them still give two shits about. Okay, I was on team Tom & Ariana with the Scheana/Ari's mom thing but damn, this is petty AF, can you guys not just let this go? You're about to ruin friendships over a misunderstood, shitty drunken analogy? Now I’m kind of understanding the whole “Tom & Ariana vs. the world” beef. Crap, does this mean I agree with Scheana on something?
Back to Brittany’s boobs bc that’s why we’re all watching. Surprise, Britt gets the bigger boobs she didn’t really want because…independent thinking is hard.
Jax: Yeah I basically made her get the D’s, but nobody’s ever complained about getting a 70 inch TV nahmsayin?
Idea: let’s strap a 70” TV to Jax’s chest and make him walk around with it everyday and see who's complaining.
We see Lala for the first time all episode. She has darker hair now which makes sense bc she’s taken up reading books. Seems legit.
We learn about some shit that previously went down (maybe last episode when I was opening up bottle of wine #2, idk) where James insulted some dude named Richardson who I don’t think ever has appeared on camera and shat on him for being a server? LOL JAMES LOOK AT YOUR LIFE. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES. James comes to meet Lisa and, Richards is his name?, at Pump and basically beg for Lisa’s mercy. Lisa and Richardson turn to each other and talk shit about James in French right in front of his face and it is cold AF, I’m loving it. James is apologizing and Lisa is kind of sympathetic and it seems like all James has to do to keep his job is not act like a complete jackass for five seconds—
James: Lisa can you let me talk for a fucking second?
Lisa: You’re fired.
James starts blubbering and I almost feel bad for him except…no I don’t, he showed up to work drunk and belligerent, that’s amateur hour. At least when I show up to work wasted I have the sense to not say a word to anybody.
Lisa: PSYCH!! You just got Punk’d! You can bus tables 3 days a week.
I swear, there’s no job security like having a TV show’s ratings rest on how much you can fuck up on the reg. Must be nice.
Katie invited everybody they know to their engagement shoot on the beach and Tom is contemplating throwing himself into an early watery grave because apparently he is a professional model who can’t stand the thought of doing a professional engagement shoot. But why male models?
James brings some random bitch to make Kristen jealous and I think even the random passersby can see through the lame-ass maneuver he’s trying to pull.
Lala: I’m no psychology major but it seems like the men at Sur always need someone who’s committed to them while they’re off cheating every 5 seconds.
I think we need to award Lala an honorary psych degree, guys. Those books are paying off. Keep at it, girl.
Kristen and her friend Rachael join, somebody brings up their comedy thing and Ariana starts sharing her opinion that literally noone asked for, because I guess comedy is like Ariana's Crossfit.
Ariana: I take sketch comedy very seriously so it offends me when people say that they do it.
Ariana stop talking, I actually liked you and you’re ruining it.
Ariana tells all the girls that she basically hates them. Well, now the bitchy cat’s out of the bag. Enjoy social suicide, Ari. Kristen debates confronting her.
Kristen: Through therapy I’ve learned not to be so confrontational….so I just talk shit about people behind their backs instead. Bravo Kristen. You’re making real progress.
In the end, Kristen can’t resist a good cat fight. She and Ariana both take turns insulting each other by talking really slowly and it’s the best, most passive-aggressive shit I’ve ever seen, like when you’re a camp counselor and you’re trying really hard to not pop off on one of your campers.
The episode ends with Jax contemplating his life and his choices (like James should be doing, but whatevs).
Jax: I feel like I’m not accepted if I’m not talked about. Jax, do you read our books?
Prediction: Jax is going to dump Brittany like, next episode. He’s hinted at his unhappiness with the relationship twice already. Twice. Brittany, don’t get too attached to those titties just yet. Until next time.