Well here we are at the season finale. Tbh I’m sad to see them go. What will happen? Will Jax do hard time in a Hawaii prison? Will Kristen stop being a walking hot mess? Will she and Stassi crash Katie’s engagement? Well, we already know the last one’s gonna happen. Alright, here we go.
We open with Jax returning from Hawaii. OK, at least we know he wasn’t remanded. Does that happen in shoplifting cases? I watch too much Law & Order.
Surprise, Jax sweet-talked the judge and got his felony dropped to a misdemeanor and all he got was probation, just like Lisa said. Is she psychic? Either way, what an anticlimactic outcome.
Jax and Brittany start fighting about living together and he’s basically like, "Brittany you gotta GTFO."
Brittany: I can’t go looking for apartments, I just had a boob job
Jax: You can sit online and go on a computer, come tf on
For once, Jax is right.
Next we see Stassi’s apartment hunt. Hold up, what if she moves in with Brittany? PLOT TWIST.
Stassi: I need sky-blue walls, I need crown moudling, I need lots of closet space.
Really Stassi. What if the walls were baby blue? Would you really not take the apartment? Somehow despite her ridiculous criteria, Stassi finds a place and starts moving in (that was fast) and Kristen & Stassi break out the champagne within 5 minutes. SHOCKER.
Back at Jax’s studio apartment, a detail he never ceases to mention, Jax is still bitching about Brittany, TO HER FACE.
Jax: Sitting in that jail cell when I went to jail was the most at peace I’ve been in a long time.
Why don’t you just tell us how you really feel, Jax? Maybe this is why everybody, LITERALLY EVERYBODY, told you not to have Brittany move in right away. Just sayin. Also how does that make you feel Brit? Your pussy is worse than prison.
At Sur, James is bragging how he hasn’t had a drink in two weeks and hooked up with Kristen.
James: I still love Kristen but part of me really likes Lala.
This is a non-issue, James, because Lala doesn’t like you and is just using you for attention. Get it through your head. I would feel bad for you but you absolutely brought this on yourself.
We find out Katie invited Lala to her engagement party and this is like the first time in recent history Katie has done something nice. Lala finds out Kristen called her a ratchet whorebag and is pissed/mildly amused.
Lala: Ratchet…yea. Whore…nah. I’ll just let Kristen be crack-y.
Lala, the ultimate speaker of truths.
Jax tells Ariana and Tom that he basically got off scot-free on his charges.
Jax: I’m like a cat with 9 lives, I think that was my last life.
Yeah especially since Britt is about to kill yo ass, I’d say it’s your last life.
Next, he tells Lisa about how court went and Lisa shits on him for not taking it seriously. Oh, give it a fucking rest Lisa, this is not your fight. Just let it go, if he ends up in jail at some point in the future he ends up in jail. You have your own son to worry about—speaking of, where the fuck has he been lately?
Katie and Tom are setting up their engagement party themselves at Lisa’s house and it’s like, can’t you pay someone to do this? Or at least like, bring people? Lol their crew is Katie, Tom and Scheana, talk about the A Team. Poor Tom, literally doing all the heavy lifting by himself. Perhaps a metaphor for his upcoming marriage…perhaps me being overly cynical…you decide.
Stassi and Kristen are getting ready for Katie and Tom’s engagement party, totally ignoring the fact that they are actively not welcome there, as we all knew they would.
Stassi: The only thing stopping me from crashing the party is that I have self-respect and dignity. TG Kristen doesn’t have either of those.
Back at Lisa’s house, the engagement party is ramping up. We see Katie and Tom’s relatives for the first time, who must be so proud their son/daughter/graddaugther are making their living on a trashy reality TV show. Why do Katie’s mom and grandma look like, exactly the same person with different haircuts? Also, how come NEITHER of their dads made it there? Deadbeat alert.
Lala and Faith roll up, Faith looking like she’s headed to a funeral. Very obviously missed the pastels memo. Maybe that’s because nobody talks to Faith, and vice-versa.
Lala: Before I left the house this morning I had approximately 14 mimosas and vodka shots.
LOL same. Can’t fuckin wait for this. *rubs hands together excitedly*
James and some random server (maybe the same girl he brought to the beach, but hard to say) play cornhole. She makes a joke about him “having a hard time getting it in the hole.” Zing.
Sandoval and Ariana are at a table by themselves, Tom is fanning himself and Ariana’s blowing bubbles. Tell me again how y’all aren’t exclusive?
Kristen and Stassi show up...
Stassi: I so admire Kristen’s bravery where it comes to crashing events. Somewhere along the line she had a shame-ectomy.
Literally everyone as they arrive (audibly): Oh god
Jax (also audibly): Damn, Stassi looks good.
PSA to all women: Jax will never change.
At this time I would like to point out that Tom is wearing a candy necklace at his own engagement party.
Stassi and Kristen: Hi Lisa
Lisa: Oh hell no
There's a sort-of-not-really-showdown as they all look at each other expectantly and we at home wonder if Lisa is going to stick to her word and throw them out.
Lisa (like an exasperated mom): Ugh fine do whatever you want.
Lisa really is all of their moms.
Stassi goes over to girl-flirt with Brittany but I'm too distracted by Brittany's tits in my face to listen to what's going on.
James brought the pump CD to Katie’s engagement party to show Lisa. Seems like an appropriate time.
Lisa: I’m proud of you for doing better.
Mamabear Lisa is at it again. Can we make this into a meme?
James does the double-cheek-kiss when he sees Kristen and she’s like “Uhh, are we British? Are we British??” Kristen, you really are on crack.
Lala: I hate everything about Kristen. I hate her hair, I hate her shoes, I hate the 99 cent lipgloss on her snaggletooth…
Kristen is like, super proud of James because it’s sometime during daylight hours and he’s not wasted yet.
Kristen: If James can overcome his own worst enemy he can legit go places…like my pants.
Lisa gives a speech and shadily calls out Stassi and Kristen for crashing. YAS.
Lisa: If there’s anybody who wants to say anything…
Lisa: Please don’t. If there’s anybody BESIDES Kristen who wants to give a speech.
Kristen gives a speech anyway because, it's Kristen. Her speech is going on forever and everyone’s getting progressively drunker and in the case of Lala, more belligerent.
Lala: Can you wrap it up?
Kristen does not, in fact, wrap it up and keeps blathering on about Tom’s Honda Civic.
Kristen: Lala needs to take her drunk, Shih Tzu-looking ass home.
FINALLY SOME WISE WORDS OUT OF KRISTEN.
At the afterpart at Sur, everybody toasts to a peaceful night, so we all know how this is gonna go.
James and Jax are talking…oh this can’t end well.
Scheana pulls Ariana aside.
Scheana: I feel like we’re not on the same page and I’m trying to figure out if you even want to be friends anymore.
Blah blah blah... skipping to the important part
Ariana: You’re just trying to be popular and friends with everybody.
Scheana starts crying. Ariana broke her. Not sure if I'm impressed or uncomfortable. A little bit of both.
Scheana: I hate crying and I do it way too much and that’s why I get so much Botox.
They’re friends again. Cool. As if anybody could really stay mad at each other on this show.
Meanwhile James is all over Lala and Kristen calls Lala a walking STD, to her face.
Lala: Kristen can you shut up finally?
Kristen *mocking her like a 5 year old*: Can you shut up finally?
Good comeback, Kristen.
Lala: I’m the one fucking person babe you don’t wanna fuck with
Kristen’s like, "Oooh, I’m so scared," so Lala pushes her. Kristen doesn’t hit back though, maybe she really has changed. Meanwhile everybody’s like “Lala you crossed a line, you should apologize.”
Lala: If people wanna be my friend they can be my friend and if they don’t they can blow me.
I have a similar life philosophy honestly, not that I condone violence or anything.
James is faded AF by his own omission. Wow that sobriety lasted all of like, an hour? Two? The drive over to Sur?
Lisa is seated next to Stassi and Kristen and she’s like “omg this is my worst nightmare.”
Tom and his band perform and Lisa’s like “is this a comedy act?” Lisa’s just firing stray shots everywhere today. No one is safe.
Jax: Ugh OK I guess it’s a fun song….fiiiiiine….
James is wasted and calling Ken Papabear.
James: Why does everyone think I’m drunk? I just had two brownies and smoked 4 joints before I even got here.
Yeah you kinda missed the point dude.
James tells some random server to STFU (same one from the party? Maybe, they all look the same) and Jax, the paragon of treating women well, is like “You don’t speak to women that way.” James continues slurring incoherently.
James: Don’t say I’m disrespectful to women when you’ve fucked over 100 girls.
He kinda has a point. Jax can’t defend himself with words so naturally he escalates to violence.
James: The best thing is I can do whatever I want to Jax and he can’t do shit bc he’s on probation.
James: Don’t cross me in front of Lisa.
Oh yeah because Lisa is really gonna stand up for your wasted ass when you just made a huge production of being sober.
Cue like, 30 seconds of “You wanna go? You wanna go, bro? BRO.”
Lisa walks in and James immediately shuts up and sits the fuck down like the good little boy he is.
James: I’m out. I’m leaving. See ya!
Nobody reacts or tries to protest so he comes back.
James: Kristen I’ll text you tomorrow.
What a classic asshole move.
Since he can’t get with Kristen since he’s wasted, James sets his sights on “the golden ticket: Lala.” What a fucking prince.
Jax comes over to talk to Stassi, temporarily forgetting that his GF can probably see him. Also Lisa is like, "out of all the people who worked for me, I've never seen two people better suited for each other than you and Stassi." Lisa, you tryna home-wreck or nah?
Stassi takes a drink from Jax’s water, nice power move.
Jax: I will always be there for you.
Stassi: I can’t even believe I’m being like, nice to you.
Jax: I was heartbroken when we broke up.
Stassi: Yea well you cheated on me the whole time so…
Jax: Well not the whole time.
Then it devolves into Jax asking Stassi what her motives are for worming her way back into the friend group. What happened to the nice talk?
Stassi: I really like Brittany and I don’t want you to fuck it up but idk if you’re capable of not fucking shit up.
Jax and Stassi agree that after three and a half years, they can finally be cordial to one another, big fucking step. Jax and Brittany head home and there’s happy music playing in the background so I guess everything is chill.
Stassi is talking to Katie and she's like, "I’ll be honest I don’t wanna just come to your engagement party." Damn Stassi, you can’t wait until another day to try to weasel an invite to the wedding? Have some fucking class.
Katie and Tom leave and it seems like they might finally have sex. Halle-freaking-lujah (did I spell that right?)
Lisa closes out the season with a sappy speech and some shade-throwing to Stassi and Kristen, who she fears “will never learn.” Perfect.
All in all this season can be summed up in this incredibly apt Lisa Vanderpump gif:
Ugh can't wait till next season. Now who will I compare myself to when I'm trying to make myself look like less of a hot mess?