We begin this week by learning two things: nobody at Sur has direct deposit, and as much as she tries to act like the sane one, Katie is a full-on BSCB, at least when she’s mad and/or has tequila in her—same. Katie tells Scheana that she and Tom fought about the Ariana thing and like a totally emotionally stable person, Katie went off on Tom for FOUR HOURS, telling him he’s a piece of shit, that he should sell the ring, TG she’s not pregnant and doesn’t have to marry him—you know, just a mild disagreement like all couples have from time to time.
Tom: Katie’s like the Shakespeare of rage-texting
Tom, bless him, pretty much just takes it and doesn’t actually think Katie’s being serious about ending the engagement. On a related note, we also learn that Katie is about to marry a fucking saint. Don’t fuck this up, Katie.
Ariana shows up in the middle of this convo and it’s awk city bitch, awk awk city bitch.
Lisa appears (without their paychecks, I might add) and Katie and Scheana tell her they’re all going on a trip to Palm Springs with none other than Kristen and Stassi. My, how things can change in the span of…like 3 episodes. I’m about to get whiplash.
At Peter’s, he, Jax and Tom are—I shit you not—pregaming a babysitting gig for Peter’s GF’s son. Are you fucking serious? Then again, maybe this is a good idea since these clowns get drunk and act like children, so like, common ground?
Sarah comes in with this comically huge list of handwritten rules for her son that looks like this:
Rule #3 is that this kid gets a snack every 1-2 hours. What a life.
Stassi, Kristen and Rachael arrive to Palm Springs and as far as they know, Katie and Scheana aren’t coming. Stassi is disappointed, not because her friends aren’t coming, but because her days as HBIC are clearly behind her.
Stassi: I used to be the one who like, decided if we went on a trip or not. Now other people are not going on trips to avoid me.
Bonus: Stassi describes Palm Springs as follows: the devil just shat me out into this mars planet where there’s desert unbearable heat.
Katie might be the Shakespeare of rage-texting but I think Stassi is the Shakespeare of everything else.
Back at Sur (or Pump? I can’t keep track) Lala confronts James about the rando the other day at the beach. BTW Lala has gone full brunette now and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
Lala: James wants to make me and Kristen jealous. I keep asking myself what kind of grown-ass man does that and then I remember…oh yeah, it’s James.
James admits that he’s not over Kristen and I think he should be seen by a doctor for amnesia because does he not remember their entire relationship?
Lala: Cut the little boy shit, take the bitch to dinner. Be a fucking adult.
Take the bitch to dinner, the next slogan to come out of my Vanderpump Rules T-shirt line.
Jax and Tom meet up reluctantly because the Bravo producers have zero chill.
Jax: What’s up man?
Tom: Well I just shot my music video and—
Me, Jax, literally everyone watching across the nation:
I checked my clock and Tom only lasted 16 minutes without talking about his band. That had to be a record tho so…progress?
Tom and Jax get into a fight over who’s a shittier friend and person, basically. Tbh, it’s too close to call.
Tom: It would just be nice if I got a little reciprocation, that’s all.
I feel a blow job joke coming on.
In Palm Springs, Stassi is bitching about how she’s left out of Katie and Tom’s engagement, once again making their engagement all about her. Wondering when she will get her head out of her ass. Stay tuned.
Katie and Scheana show up and debate ringing the doorbell for like 5 minutes like little bitches. Rachael opens the door and tries in vain to hide her complete shock and confusion. Hoping she's better at sketch comedy than she is at acting normal. Stassi sees Katie and looks like she’s about to cry.
Hold up, Katie came JUST to talk to Stassi. That’s kind of weird considering it’s 2016 and cell phones exist. But whatever. There’s no confrontation like a surprise confrontation, I guess. OK Stassi starts crying for real. Whoa. It’s lit.
Katie gears up for her talk with Stassi with v. high expectations.
Katie: If Stassi doesn’t basically read my mind and list everything she’s done wrong and apologize upfront for all of it, she’s dead to me.
Stassi and Katie’s talk essentially goes down as follows:
Stassi: I was a bitch to you because you went to Scheana’s engagement party even with the whole thing with her and my sex tape.
Katie: A lot of times it’s not about you.
Stassi: Shit, she got me there. I never should have cut you out. I miss our friendship.
Katie: No shit, your friendships are fluff with people.
Stassi: Shit, got me again. I was wrong and I’m sorry.
Katie: I agree, but too little too late.
Wait a minute Katie, isn’t Stassi apologizing without prompting, like you fucking asked, and you’re still gonna be like that? Why did we even come to Palm Springs?
Stassi starts bawling, oh this is so uncomfortable.
Stassi: I hate that I missed out on so much. [Repeats “I’m really sorry” a good three times like Glinda the good witch is going to come out of nowhere and magically transport her back to a year ago]
Katie: I’ve been waiting on that for a long time.
Katie invites Stassi to the engagement party officially. They hug. Wait so…it’s not too little too late, then? I’m so confused. Hooray?
The next morning, the girls make
breakfast mimosas. Scheana doesn’t have one and Kristen’s like “Omg why are you such an adult?” Sidenote: if saying no to a mimosa one time makes you an adult, then I’m def more of an adult than Kristen (barely, but still).
Kristen: If this is what happens when you’re married count me out.
Scheana: Kristen, I’ve got news for you, the morning drinking is not the only reason you shouldn’t be married.
Kristen: Let’s talk shit about Ariana.
Scheana: JK I will have that drink.
Back in LA, Lala and Ariana are schmoozing at the restaurant. Do I see a friendship in their future? Lisa pulls Ari asid and is like “So what’s going on with you and Scheana?” and Ariana is like, “Scheana who? She’s dead to me.” It looks like Ariana is on her way to becoming Stassi 2.0. My, how the tables have fucking turned.
Lisa: With friends you can work through it.
Ari: Depends on the friend.
You hear that Scheana? That means you ain’t shit.
Ariana: She’s not being herself right now.
Looks like the pot is calling the kettle not herself right now, IDK.
Lisa: Friends need time and attention
Ari: Like babies?
Wow. Not to set feminism back 30 years or anything but I really think Ariana needs a good heating pad and a Midol.
In Palm Springs, Scheana is crying about Ariana being mean to her and Stassi possibly stealing all her friends and it’s pretty sad tbh. Ugh I guessssss I feel for her.
Stassi: This isn’t like Taylor Swift and Katy Perry, Scheana, just fucking chill.
We’ll see, Stassi. We’ll fucking see.
As they’re all packing up to leave Palm Springs Katie is like, “I never thought we’d be friends again” and Stassi is like, “I’m really glad you gave me this opportunity” like it’s a fucking job interview.
Stassi: I’m just trying to respect boundaries and not be a fucking weirdo. I just want you to ask me any question as it comes to your brain.
And I thought you weren’t trying to be a fucking weirdo, that’s clearly going well so far.
Kristen: Maybe we can stop for a cocktail closer to LA.
Once again I am feeling better about my life choices, reaffirming why I watch this show. My therapist may think I’m an alcoholic but at least I can survive a ride home without a vodka soda. Me: 1. Therapist: 0.
James meets up with his mom to tell her he got demoted at Pump.
James’ mom orders oysters, a known aphrodisiac, at lunch with her son because that’s a totally normal thing to do, and then starts making sexual innuendos about him eating oysters.
James’ Mom: You know I’m a dirty bitch.
I am uncomfortable, I need an adult!
Then James’ Mom starts talking major shit about Kristen. I mean I get that she’s being a protective mom but it’s kind of like, why don’t you pick on someone your own age?
James’ Mom: I’ve never seen Kristen without a drink in hand
James: You’re one to talk.
James has Mommy issues…everything’s starting to make sense. James tells his mom he’s planning on seeing Kristen again and his mom flips tf out.
James’ Mom: So you’re just gonna be like, oh bitch you got me fired but I’m gonna sit down and have a conversation with you??
IDK if I’m the only one that feels like this level of animosity is just not normal? I’m detecting…unresolved feelings of attraction with major notes of jealousy.
James: I’ve got a plan: quit the alcohol, get fit, get my job back—
Mom: —get an underwear contract with Calvin Klein...
Freud would have a fucking field day with this lady. And I mean, the whole cast, but her in particular.
Me: Uhhh try again bc you're kinda creeping me out.
Finally, the moment none of us have been waiting for: Katie’s reconciliation with Tom
Katie: I was a full-blown psycho but it was still your fault because you were being an asshole and didn’t have my back.
Tom: It was a one-way conversation for four hours with you berating and belittling me, but sure, I was the asshole.
They make up pretty quickly and uneventfully, both glossing over the fact that Katie said she wanted to end the engagement. Are we really just going to pretend that didn’t happen? I feel like I’m more concerned for the state of Katie and Tom’s marriage than they are. I think this is a recurring theme for this show. Oh well?
Next time I want to see more of Lala and an update on Brittany's boobs or else I'm boycotting.