'Vanderpump Rules' Recap: #Winning

I can’t believe it’s already been a whole week since the last episode of Vanderpump Rules. I guess time really does fly when your entire country/life has gone to shit.

Lisa and Nappy the dog (and Ken) meet most of the Survers in some room where I assume P!nk threw up. Apparently it’s World Dog Day. That’s cool and all, I’m just glad I’ve already seen 2 puppies less than 1 minute into this episode.

Lisa Vanderpump dog

Katie: I wanna work for Lisa so I can learn how to put events together and be successful

Don't you have an event coming up? Like a wedding or something?

There’s no alcohol allowed at this even so Jax is like “It’s a no from me dog.”

Scheana’s breaking out the gray color contacts like it’s 2008.

I’m calling it now, Jax is trying to get Brittany to dump him because he’s too much of a pussy to do it himself. Pun intended, mothafucka.

I thought vodaspa was vodkaspa and for a minute I was like “MY HOMELAND!”

The Toms continue to be metrosexual af. Are they getting a couple’s massage? What is happening?

Katie goes over to Stassi’s. Stassi says “Summer bod not on fleek.” Somebody has got to teach these people the new slang. Get with the fucking times.

Stassi: This is my first apartment that my boyfriend or dad isn’t paying for.

Same.

Stassi’s a real adult because she went to Home Depot and picked out a paint swatch. Let the record show that her apartment is WHITE.

Stassi: So like I’m your maid of honor right?

whoa

... You just became friends with Katie like, a month ago. Chill.

Katie: I hope this doesn’t become the Hunger Games of who’s gonna be my MOH.

That’s exactly what it’s gonna turn into.

This split screen between Tom Squared and Stassi and Katie is basically every male-female communication issue in a nutshell.

How exactly does this couple of servers have 50 grand to blow on a wedding? I don’t even have $50 to spend on a blowout tomorrow (true story), and I’m salaried. Damn it, I'm in the wrong line of work.

James: Lisa wants me to apologize but like, Katie is fat and Scheana did get a nose job so like, I’m not wrong.

Scheana thinks “disingenuine” is a word, did anybody else catch that? A for effort but F for execution.

Lala’s mom is not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom. Lala talks to her mom 4 times a day, and this is why you need friends, kids.

Lala’s mom: You shouldn’t drink
*Waitress comes by*
Lala: I’ll have a pinot grigio

Things I did not need to know: Lala lost her virginity with a red condom to the song “Lollipop” by Lil Wayne. Unclear if she also lost her virginity to Lil Wayne, because he’s about the only person I can imagine willingly taking part in such a scenario.

This giant game of telephone around the restaurant is the most hilarious thing to ever happen on the history on this show.

Like, I don’t believe for one second that Kristen ate Brittany out, but the fact that nobody’s really outright denying it is kind of suspicious and strange.

Jax: Is this going to be the topic of conversation all summer long?

Yeah because you went and told everybody. You don’t get to act fed up now.

Jax: This is LA, shit happens, get over it.

BRITTANY, DUMP HIM. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DUMP HIM.

When you put prescription lenses in the giant glasses they hand out at bar mitzvahs:

Scheana Shay

Brittany and Jax’s argument is a game of “who’s gaslighting whom?” My money’s still on Jax. Now would be a great time for the Bravo cameramen to come through with the receipts.

Where the fuck is Kim when you need her?

Katie’s talking about her bridesmaids gifts while Tom visualizes different ways to kill himself.

Tom lives in a fantasy world where wedding photographers cost $400.

Tom: I thought we’d spend like 10 grand, that seems reasonable.

When did you think you were getting married, 1960?

This venue looks pretty lame, if you ask me. It just looks like some rando’s house in the middle of the woods. Can I offer up my parents' house and get paid a cut of this fictitious $50K?

Tom: Now that I’ve spent all my life savings on this venue now would be a great time to talk about a prenup.

Katie: Come again?

Katie: I don’t know what type of assets Tom is trying to protect with this prenup.

Well considering y’all just put down 5 grand on a venue, one of you has to have some assets. I hope.

Katie: The only assets Tom has is like, thousands of dollars in sweatpants and Ninja Turtle action figures.

^When two people who evidently don’t know each other very well at all get married.

Tom: OMG I love when Katie is acting logical, it gets me so hot.

Tom basically called Katie bat-shit crazy. But I wish you two a lifetime of happiness and all.

Last summer James apparently released his new single with Lala that none of us heard about. Safe it say it topped the charts.

Update: I looked it up on Youtube and it only has 50,000 views. And James raps on it. So my earlier point about it topping the charts stands for sure.

James: I honestly feel like I could be playing Coachella.

I lied, THIS is the funniest thing to happen in the history of Vanderpump Rules.

Lala blaming her acting like a vicious bitch on being hungry is me af.

These people walking around with dogs selling raffle tickets have the easiest jobs in the fucking world.

Apparently last night James fought with some rando the night before and got put in a headlock. Why am I not shocked.

James: I’m sorry people are so jealous of me, but I can’t help it if I’m popular.

Is James wearing transition lenses?

WAIT. WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT SANVDOVAL’S HAIR.

Tom Sandoval

What the fuck is that shit? Who’s your hair stylist, Stacy London?

James: I don’t wanna sound cocky but I’m young, I’m hot, and I'm a DJ in LA so #Winning

Cut to:

James: Will the owner of a Toyota please come up to the stage? We found your keys.

This show deserves a fucking Emmy.

Shouts out to “Lisa’s friend” Lance Bass, who definitely did not pay for this promo at all.

James is sounding like a paranoid schizophrenic rn. “Everyone’s out to get me, Lisa. They’re jealous.”

Stassi: This is the most amazing thing anyone’s ever done, Lisa. I’m so proud to know you.

OK, calm down with the dick riding.

Tom Schwartz: Yeah I’m so excited about getting married. So pumped I think about killing myself every waking minute, but yeah. So pumped. Can’t wait.

Jax is like “Everyone needs to stop butting their nose into my relationship” which is easy to say after you spread a rumor damaging your own relationship. Like, do you even have a brain? Not a rhetorical question. Please tweet us to let us know.

Ooo Kristen called Jax “Jason,” it’s about to be lit.

K that argument accomplished a whole lot of nothing. Can't wait till next week! Will we ever get to the bottom of #HeadphanieGate (yeah, I remembered)? Probably not.




hand_icon

TALK SHIT

small_arrow

Powered by Disqus

hand_icon1

YOU LIKE, NEED TO READ THESE

small_arrow

Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login