Veggie Burgers: The I'm Better Than You Burger

By The Betches

Unless you’re a grossly overweight nice girl or really, really high, you probably wouldn’t be caught dead at a fast food joint. That being said, we’re all about enjoying a good healthy veggie burger while the chubby friend is plopped on the sofa with a milkshake and Big Mac. Cue all the body shaming comments below.

Anyway, if you DON’T want to be the chubby friend, try out a veggie burger recipe. Like, they’re not terrible, you can freeze a bunch at a time, and they’re pretty hard to fuck up in terms of taste. Here’s a list of shit (most of which any betch should fucking have on hand) that you can make “burgers” with:

  • Red, white, or black beans
  • Lentils
  • Beets
  • Broccoli
  • Sweet potatoes
  • Potatoes
  • Chickpeas
  • Zucchini
  • Eggplant
  • Mushrooms

Seriously, google any of the above and you can figure out how to make a veggie burger. You’re welcome. Just remember that you also don’t need to sandwich said patty between more carbs.

Because I realize that we all hate doing work (googling shit included), I’ve provided an idiot-proof recipe below. A few notes: First, you’ll need a food processor to make pretty much any veggie burger, so get over it.  Also, you can either form patties and sauté them in a pan OR bake them – although the second option requires more moisture (but is obviously healthier) and the first option has the possibility for you fucking up your patty when you try to flip it.

Because it’s like, fall, explore the sweet potato white bean veggie burger.

  • 2 cups rinsed and drained cannellini or white beans
  • 1 ½ cups roasted, mashed sweet potato
  • 1 medium sweet onion, chopped
  • ½ cup fresh baby spinach leaves, chopped
  • 1 tbsp fresh parsley, chopped
  • 1 tbsp ground cumin
  • 2 tsp kosher salt
  • 2 tsp fresh cracked black pepper
  • 2 tsp chipotle chili powder
  • ¾ cup plain breadcrumbs
  • ¾ cup whole wheat flour (or like whatever flour)

Preheat the oven to 350F. In a food processor, pulse together the beans, onion, and spinach until the beans are kind of broken up. Add the sweet potato mash, cumin, salt, pepper, and chili powder and pulse -- you don’t want a super super smooth paste, just like, a kind of gross pastey bind.

Remove the mixture and in a large bowl combine the mixture with the breadcrumbs and flour – mixing to incorporate all the ingredients. Let the mixture sit in the fridge for 20 minutes while you ask your friend if she regrets eating that pizza last night. Form the mixture into patties and place on an oiled baking sheet. You can brush the patties with a bit of olive oil so they brown, but it’s whatever. Bake for 30 minutes, turning the burgers over once during cooking.

Top your burger with like, interesting shit. We suggest mango chutney (oh, Schmidt), avocado, or tzatziki sauce.




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