A Vibrator Alarm Clock Exists Betches

Screw Caffeine, A Vibrator Alarm Clock Is The New Way To Wake Up

By Lisa Vanderbetch

Is it just me or have inventors really been on their A game this year? There was the tortilla Keurig, pizza ATMs, wireless headphones that no one asked for. Welcome to 2016, betches. But the year’s not over yet. The latest contraption to take the world by storm? A vibrator alarm clock. Lol what a time to be alive.


It works exactly the way anyone with a brain would think: You set the time you want to wake up, put it in your pants and then wake up to a glorious orgasm. As much as I love the techno tune by the composers at Apple that currently wakes me up every morning, a big O first thing in the am doesn’t sound all that terrible. It even has 27 different vibrating levels so you can decide how hard in the paint you wanna go.

The only shitty thing about it—aside from the weird, dustpan-like shape—is it's 120 bucks, which is only like 10 Chipotle bowls, but still. Sounds like a lot for a fucking clock. Unfortunately for my vagina and luckily for my wallet, shit is already sold out because we’re all horny and sexually deprived. But they’ll get more in stock eventually. Would it be okay if I put it on my Christmas list or nah?




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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