The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show Recap

By The Betches

Last night's Victoria's Secet Fashion Show was a consumerist's wet dream and a hit among everyone who is unaware that real porn exists. We got to witness the most beautiful women in the world, some amazing musical performances, and Taylor Swift being casually not annoying for the first time in too long. We found it hysterical that they censored the F and U from Miley's song especially while this was all being done while 12 women strutted in from of millions of people in bras and thongs. Oh well, I guess you want to pick your battles CBS. Let's take a look at the good, the bad, and the ugly guy on the piano from last night. 

First, a word on the weird ass piano player who looks like he escaped from the cast of the Big Bang Theory. Is it standard to begin the night with a musical performance by someone the Angels would never fuck? 

They’re talking about Lais’ twisted ankle like she has cancer or is an injured all star football player. But how ever will she ever play defensive tackle walk 50 feet again!? “Because of what happened to you last year, you will open the show this year” YOU FUCKING FELL. DURING A REHERSAL. NO ONE EVEN SAW.

Candice Swanepoel had the honor of donning the $10 million dollar Fantasy Bra this year, which is up $7.5 million dollars since last year when Alessanda Ambrosio wore it. Candice who is a model, idiot, has been quoted as saying, "Some of the smartest businesswomen I know are models." I'm sure Sheryl Sandberg would love to hear you elaborate on that one...maybe that's because the ONLY women you know are models. Fucking duh. 

Adam Levine obvi showed up to support his finace Bethati Prinsloo. And he obvi demanded Lady Antebellum whisper Need You Now in his ear during commercial breaks.

Speaking of Behati, she wowed us with her anthropological knowledge backstage...when the girls were asked the riveting and original question of what they would bring with them to a deserted island, she claimed, “I can make fire, I’m from Africa.” But if you're from Africa, why are you white? 

Cara Delevingne, who almost got into a shitload of trouble after dropping a bag of coke (SHOCKING) back in May, bragged about her 2.9 million Instagram followers and looked like a way hotter version of that bible loving crackhead from Orange Is the New Black. So teen friendly!

She also is the definition of cleaning lady chic. 

While it was clear Taylor Swift was trying very hard to live out her fantasy of being a Victoria's Secret Angel, they really only let her sit with them for the group picture after the photog made that awkward comment "Of course Taylor you can get in..." Or something along those lines. Despite that shit, Taylor looked and sounded fucking amazing, and even though she was dancing flailing her arms and legs about as if she were drowining in the Atlantic, at 5'10" Taylor may have a future in modeling and/or high fiving models. 

I totally forgot Fallout Boy existed until I remembered about their new album but for a hot second I could've sworn it was 2002. See below to check out Patrick Stump, Fallout Boy's lead singer, look JUST like Taylor Swift's golf caddy at a 4th of July BBQ.




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