It's that time of year again- CBS' gentle reminder that you are a fat piece of shit. 364 days of the year, I'm the hottest shit you ever did see. Until this stupid fucking fashion show, then I'm just as ugly as the rest of you.
So let's begin. Please assemble your large glass of wine and I suggest you have second bottle, for the ready.
The first five minutes is introducing all the models. Most of whom you only know through Taylor Swift's "Underwear Model Outreach Program." The models do cute things that you know are fake, like read the newspaper. You know for a fucking fact Candice doesn't know shit about current events.
Overall, it's just a hotter sorority recruitment video.
The show starts with Behati, aka Mrs. Adam Levine. She looks like a sexy lion tamer. The whole theme of the first segment is like, a sexy circus? Not entirely sure, but the Ringley Brothers def had some inspiration in this.
The first song played is "Heartbreaker" and the models try to be relatable by knowing like 3 words in the chorus.
Kendall comes up, and of course the camera pans to Kris and Caitlyn Jenner, weeping in the crowd. All their years of being publicity whores has finally paid of and their little baby actually has a job. Spread your wings, you beautiful butterfly.
The set suddenly becomes very bohemian looking, like a Coachella for sluts. I can get behind this. Take a nice long sip for every dead animal you see transformed into a thigh high boot. Told you that second bottle will come in handy.
Also, take a sip for every model who has a gap tooth. Y'all bitches got the London look.
The next segment is the models talking about how famous they are. Seriously.
"It's the most watched fashion show in the world!" Literally it's the only fashion show I have ever seen on a fucking basic cable network. And you all are in no clothes. It's not exactly shocking everyone watches it. If you were modeling ponchos or loafers, I could see how this could be an accomplishment.
It's basically just a long VS promo, featuring a bunch of gap toothed bitches with accents.
They are then like "our lingerie isn't the best part of this show, the music is!" That sounds like something you tell your ashamed grandma when she sees pictures of you at EDC. "No Nana! No one is there to watch me walk around half naked! They are there for the music!!!!" In other words, keep dreaming honey.
The Weeknd is up first, gracing us with a song that is NOT "The Hills". Basic bitches everywhere are confused. Wait.... He has other songs?!?
Oh look, another commercial break, a moment for all girls in the world to eat their feelings of self-loathing and swipe through Bumble for validation that they are still hot even though they aren't walking Amazonian giraffes.
The set has a lot of whites, light purple and silver, and Kendall/Kris shows up again. Okay, stop fucking turning the camera to Kris, I only have 2 bottles of wine and every time I see that creature I have to drink more.
There is a random Asian involved in this show, and I get it- our God Ja'mie has reported multiple times on the importance of hot Asians. And someone has to help the young models with their math homework.
Anyway, the Asian. She plays to camera ALOT. She does this lip bite combined with a drawing of an imaginary heart...? Idk. Fucking stop that. You look like a constipated 13 year old girl.
I would say take a drink for every blown kiss, but I'm not trying to get my stomach pumped. Wait.... Unless that would make me be skinnier.... OKAY THIS IS THE PROBLEM WITH THE VS FASHION SHOW.
The Weeknd is awesome, per usual. But you know what's not awesome? These fucking puffy sleeved jackets and sexy blazers they put the models in. Like how is this a thing?
Can you imagine trying to seduce someone in a puffed up jacket? You look like an Amish hooker. "Hey baby, wanna get freaky in my sexy covered wagon? We can churn some butter, if you know what I mean."
Sometimes the models get this stupid idea that they should lipsync along and it's so adorable because THEY FUCK IT UP EVERY TIME. Like seriously. Every fucking time. Walk in your line and leave the talking to the people with more than 2% body fat please.
The next segment is about the important things to the models. Syrian Immigrants. Oh, sorry, that's wrong. Fuckin' autocorrect. I meant INSTAGRAM.
Yes, let's talk about Instagram with the hottest women on the planet. Lily is like "I only posted one photo today :((((" OH NO HOW WILL WE LIVE. In the distance, planes are crashing, buildings are falling, the apocalypse has begun.
They continue to talk about the importance of selfies, and it's almost like I can feel my brain cells shooting each other. Kendall is like "oh you have 3 million followers, Rachel? Suck a dick I have 47 million." Yeah, Rachel. You peasant.
They then start talking about "earning your wings" which is like "earning your stripes" by Frosted Flakes, except with less calories involved.
They are talking about how amazing this is and how being a VS model is the "American Dream" and it's like, I'm sure this wasn't what our founding fathers had in mind but ok.
"I can't believe this is my life!" - every Victoria's Secret Model ever. FUCKIN BELIEVE IT
They start talking about Taylor Swift, and that's it, first bottle of wine is gone. Seriously can you bitches do ANYTHING without Taylor?! I feel like good ole' Martha checks in with Taylor before she takes a shit. I imagine Taylor sitting in her underground lair, drumming her fingers together, laughing that her hot minions have taken over the world.
Ellie Goulding is up next singing "Army," a fantastic song, in a dress that is honestly fugly AF. She looks like that angel's homely older sister who got a degree in accounting.
The theme is butterflies and out comes Gigi Hadid, being hotter than the fucking sun. All hail.
Some girls have a puffy dress and they play it off like they are happy but you know they secretly wanna die because they don't have wings.
Some girls go for the power point, and by some girls, I mean the Asian. God damn girl you are killin me.
Some models pray before they walk and I imagine it goes like this: "Dear sweet baby Jesus, please don't let me fuck up putting my right foot in front of my left." Seriously, you've been walking for 20+ years, do you really need the power of God to assist you with that?
The funniest segment ever begins- where the models talk about working out. They are like "it's so hardddddd" and it's like, well I'm sure the millions of dollars you make every year makes it easier. Girl, bye.
They are like WE SWEAT TOO!!! And it's like, fucking duh because you are a human being with pores and shit.
They then call themselves "athletes" and somewhere in the distance Serena Williams rolls her eyes so hard her fucking corneas break. Look, I am really good at SoulCycle. Can I ride in the Tour De France? NO.
The VS Rome commercial, brought to you in part by an annoying Taylor Swift song comes on, and it pretty much just has the girls naked, in the snow, at roman monuments, giving sexy looks to a camera. Oh, and there is a random horse there. If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, I refuse to buy underwear from a company that doesn't feature horses in their commercials.
I personally connected more with the follow up Absolut commercial, because of all the drunk people.
Gigi is up and is like "everyone who went to high school with me knows this is my dream" and it's like, well at least you went to high school. I bet the Asian girl took her tests for her.
Gigi is like, it's awk to be naked in front of the Weeknd because he is dating my sister.... BUT WHATEVER!!!!! Hehehe!
I really wanna make fun of Gigi but my desire to be her overpowers my bitchiness.
Selena Gomez is on next singing the banger "Hands To Myself" and okay, she's hot AF. Well played Selena.
The models walk out decked in American gear and an astronaut suit. The models begin singing 4 words of the chorus, per usual. There is a girl in a thermal crop top and short-short pairing, which seems counterproductive to the goal at hand. Oh shoot, I used big words. Okay, I'll make it simple for her: How the fuck are you warm in that?
Out comes a sexy fireman, sexy policeman, sexy businessman. The theme for this segment is "Jobs You Dad Probably Had." There is a sexy surfer, with a giant fucking board on her back. She drew the short straw.
The next segment goes to the Angels talking about how they love Christmas. I'm sure politically correct people are losing their fucking minds rn. They give each other gifts and it's literally just fugly photos of them as babies in a frame.
Worst fucking gift ever. If my friend gave me that, I would legit cunt punt them. Like how dare you remind me of my youth?
"Aw look, we were kids once! We're so relatable!"
Ellie Goulding comes back in a better outfit, thank fucking God, and singing "Love Me Like You Do". Yaaaaas, this is still my jam. And I'm drunk.
The VS models are going to be sexy snow people or slutty snowflakes or some bullshit. They are dressing like winter, ok? The angel who is named Elsa is like THIS IS MY MOMENT. Fuckin' Elsa. Martha should take a hint though and get a stage name like Elsa. Martha is the name of the overweight nurse at my OBGYN. Actually, I thought if you are named Martha you pop out the womb at age 42.
Some girls walk out wearing snow goggles and mittens. Okay, this is the VS show, not NorthFace.
As Ellie sings all I can think about is how it was supposed to be Rihanna. How would they have made "Bitch Better Have My Money" into a holiday tune? I wonder.
Next segment is about Lily Alderidge and the fantasy bra. It's apparently a huge honor, and she's like OMG SO UNEXPECTED. Lily- why you lyin? Why you always lyin? Mmmmohmygod STOP FUCKIN LYIN.
The Weeknd is back with "I Can't Feel My Face" which the models kinda sorta know general words to. Girls start to come out in bedazzled body suits and it's like, can I get that at my local VS store? Or do I need to be a PINK member? Let me know.
Some girls trying to encourage the crowd to sing and it's like, don't tell me what to do. Essentially this was a Weeknd concert with hotter, shittier dancers.
I thought last year's was better, and that's saying something because Taylor Swift was on it. In the rare moments that I looked at the actual underwear, I was like, wait those aren't that great.
Highlights: Trying to guess which stupid pose the Asian girl would do and Selena Gomez.
Well, this was fun. Can't wait to do it again next year and when I'm five pounds heavier and hate myself even more. I'm two bottles of wine in and I'm going to try and go seduce my boyfriend. First, I'm going to find my puffiest sleeved sweater, and then I'm going to blow kisses while listening to a Disney star's music. It'll be great.