Wake The Fuck Up: Dear Betch Edition

Welcome back to an extra caffeinated edition of Dear Betch. Extra caffeinated because you betches need to WAKE THE FUCK UP. Email us at [email protected] for your very own dose of reality. Also buy our dating book.

Dear Betch,

Right before spring break I met this really awesome guy at a pregame for a bar night and we immediately hit it off. I ended up going home with him that night but was pretty sure it was just a one night stand. To my surprise, he late night texted me when we came back to school and i was totally down to spend another night together. We continued hooking up (he always asked me, I never booty called him)  & i ended up taking him to my srat’s formal. Things moved a little beyond a booty call.. we hung out with each others friends at day drinks, I met his friends from home, we would stay up all night hanging out after hooking up & would chilling together for a while the morning after too. He’s told me how awesome he thinks i am, he’s told my friends he thinks I’m a cool girl & she also over heard him bragging about my body to his friends .

We’re from the same area & at school he would casually mention how we should hang out over the summer. But now that summer is here its been ridiculously hard to meet up. I reached out to him first this summer about a party my I was having but he was away, then a few weeks later he hit me up to me to come to a concert but i had work the next day so then he suggested that we should hang out next weekend & go out together. 

Finally, i texted him making plans to hit the bars & it seemed like he was totally psyched… until i texted him to confirm the day of & he backed out with no explanation. i later found out that he texted one of our mutual friends (but definitely closer to him) saying to come out with all of us and he was really down to go out with me. Being the betch i am I obviously acted totally cool & like i was only slightly disappointed and didn’t ask questions. He then comes back inviting me to something later in the week… trying not to seem too eager i was like yeah maybe let me know. then i never heard anything.  Now the other day he texts me & mentions how we really should hang out. We made a plan but then the day of he canceled but gave a really legit excuse that he’s going away earlier then expected and wed chill another time.

Now I’m honestly just straight up confused. It's been a couple weeks since he last bailed & its obviously clear now that were not going to be hanging out this summer. Am i being completely deaded because he's not into me anymore (or never was) or is he just getting freaked out last minute about hanging out at home since it'd be way less casual than away at school & more high pressure? And, if when were back at school he tries to ask me to hang out should i blow him off for blowing me off this summer? I'm totally cool with being casual but i don't want to be a complete sex doll to him or look desperate. Is he a pussy or a player????

-unlucky & unliked

Dear D-lusional (get it, cause the D has made you delusional? No? K...),

Yeah, you should stop trying to hang out with this guy—he’s not that into you. I weep for future generations when I read girls getting psyched over shit like day drinking with a guy and having him brag about your body to his friends and thinking that that’s a sign he wants to take things to the next level. Like, do you not realize how sad that is??? Because if not, I will break it down for you. Fuck it. Even if you do realize, I will break it down for you and all the like-minded delusionals out there.

1. You’re in college; day drinking is like breathing for you guys. Getting invited to consume alcohol during the day does not indicate a desire to form a relationship. If a guy invited you out to the club would you think, “Oh wow, he really wants to commit”? No? Then why would you think that just because you’re getting shitfaced while the sun happens to be up?

2. A guy saying “Yo bros, the broad I’m banging has a tight body” or whatever the fuck is LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE of how he would treat someone he wants to date, i.e., someone he has love and respect for. If he wanted to date you that would be the last thing he’d say, because he wouldn’t want his nasty-ass friends picturing you naked. Come on.

3. He calls you a “cool girl.” Ouch, no. This is code for “this girl lets me fuck her whenever I want and doesn’t hold me to higher standards such as monogamy or condoms.” Girl, no.

Wake the fuck up

So, it hasn’t been “ridiculously hard” to meet up over the summer—he’s just been ridiculously unwilling. I don’t see how drinking at home is more “high pressure” than drinking at school. Again, moving the drinking to a different location and/or setting, while keeping the amount of alcohol consumption the exact same, does not indicate a move towards a relationship or “seriousness.”

So yeah, fuck this dude, don’t hang out with him. If he tries to hit you up at school just ignore him really fucking hard. He can only blow you off so many times before there are consequences. All you betches need to learn this! If a guy continually blows you off/treats you like shit but YOU KEEP LETTING HIM COME BACK TO (fuck) YOU AFTERWARDS, he will never stop doing those things. Actions. They have consequences. Make him realize that.

John Kasich Wake Up

Tell him boy bye (not with your words, just with your silence),

The Betches


Dear Betches,

So I've gotten a serious problem. I've hooked up with quite a few guys, but that's it they've all been hook ups, and they've all ended terribly. Each one has ended more terribly than the other, so I've hooked up with a ton of guys but nothing ever happens after the hook up. Usually the guys never even talk to me after we've hooked, some of them have even unfriended me on Facebook and blocked me on Instagram. I don't know if it was something I did or what. I'm just so tired of these awful hook ups leading no where, I just want a boyfriend. A decent guy who likes me. What do I do? I need all the help I can get.

Yours Truly,
Kinda Over Guys and Hookups

Dear Potential Stage 5,

Not a whole lot to go off here, but I think your first problem would be the fact that you add your random hookups on Facebook and Instagram—that’s creepy. Cut that out. Your second problem is (probably) that you keep going for guys who are only interested in hookups, so wait longer to put out until you can make sure you’re both looking for the same thing. Either that, or you’re batshit. Honestly, I'm leaning towards the latter. You must have done SOMETHING to make these guys actively unfriend and/or block you on social media—that takes a considerable amount of effort that I'd be willing to bet most dudes wouldn't expend unless it was for a good reason. Time to look at your life, look at your choices. In other words:


Wake the fuck up

Happy hunting,

The Betches


Dear Betch,

Going to make this simple.
I’m starting college in the fall and I want to start hooking up with guys but I’ve never done anything sexual with someone before. When I lose my virginity, am I obligated to tell the guy beforehand? I don’t want to ruin the moment by being all “P.S. I’m a virgin,” but I’ve heard a first time can be painful for girls, and I obvs want to enjoy it. So what do I do?

Go easy on me (twss),
Virgin Mary

Dear Andy,

No clue what TWSS means (sounds like a scary variation of Toxic Shock Syndrome, but I digress), but aside from that, I mean yeah you should tell the guy you’re about to fuck that you’re a virgin. You’re not “obligated to”—the virginity police won’t come knocking at your door if you don’t—but I think it’s kind of the decent thing to do. If I was taking someone’s virginity, I would want to know that beforehand so I could make an informed decision as to whether or not I’d want that on my conscience (I probably wouldn’t tbh). Oh yeah, and the pain thing might give you away. It kind of depends on a few mitigating factors, such as the guy’s dick size; whether or not you have a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina; and how good of an actress you are, but generally speaking it hurts and you might blow up your own spot.

But then again, I’ve had friends who’ve lost their virginities to blackout one-night stands, so it is possible. It all depends on how many fucks you give about the person. That pun was not intended, but aren’t I hilarious? If you just want to get it in and don’t care who the penis belongs to, you can take it to the grave. If you want your first time to be “special” and “with someone you care about,” you’re gonna have to be upfront.

You probably won’t enjoy it either way,

The Betches

P.S. Your problem isn't insane enough to warrant a Wake The Fuck Up Gif, but I like to keep with my themes, so fuck it.

wake up gordon ramsay

Got a fucked-up problem only the betches can solve? Need someone you don't know to tell you you're being delusional? Email us at [email protected] and we might respond. If we don't, buy our second book.




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