Forget about ISIS and put aside a potential Trump presidency on your list of worries. We have a far more pressing issue on our hands that is threatening the future of the free world. I’m talking about hot celebrities saying nice things about their wives, and we need to put an end to it immediately before the consequences become any more devastating.
For those who don’t know, when a really attractive guy publicly worships his wife, it leaves millions of women literally dead upon hearing the news. They cannot and should not have to live in a world where someone with the abs of Channing Tatum goes around saying things like “I love my wife,” like it’s no big deal. We have to protect them from people like Ryan Reynolds, who has the audacity to praise Blake Lively in an interview, completely unprovoked. Or Ashton Kutcher who feels the need to announce that he’d “do anything” for Mila Kunis, while half of the US population then jumps out of their windows screaming “COUPLE GOALS!”
And it’s not just our own society that we have to worry about, because these gorgeous specimen have done irreversible damage to the environment as well. For example, every time Ryan Gosling compliments Eva Mendes, he tragically endangers another two species of bears. Oh and while John Legend expressing the joy of starting a family with Chrissy Teigen might be fun and games for him, his kind words tore a hole into the ozone layer and sped up global warming by 3000%. Unbelievable.
We cannot stand by any longer and let Chris Pratt shatter the fragile ecosystems of the Amazon rainforest by braiding Anna Farris’s hair. I will be damned if another village in Africa goes down because John Krasinski proudly refers to wife Emily Blunt as his hero. It’s disgusting and it must be stopped.
The fact that these hot celebrities think they can just go around speaking in sentimental terms about their spouses without any consequences is absolutely despicable, and the rest of us need to stand up and demand that no attractive man ever says anything kind again. These guys must either stop being so nice or start being ugly. The fate of the world depends on it.