January 7, 2013
Since our relaunch thousands of you have signed up for our new cute little community We the Betches. For those of you who are blind or don't know what it is here's an idea: It's a place where betches can come together and talk shit about themselves and one another. Do you have an unsolvable boy problem? Is your mom being a huge bitch? If we can't help, maybe a fellow betch can, or she can say ew and tell you to go fuck yourself, which we've noticed isn't an uncommon practice.
So naturally, we decided to step in by re-posting some highlights from the interesting shit you say, answering your questions, and blatantly making fun of the losers. Welcome to our new column "We The Betches," it's like the Dear Betch of 2013 with a burn book spin, where we troll our own website for the ridiculous shit you say and bring attention to it. Think of it like you spilling your drink on a white rug at a pregame and us calling you out.
This girl's WTB (We The Betches, fucking duh) post isn't too new (from early December) but it was one that definitely caught our eye. It's from a girl so deeply lost in a sea of ADHD that she's debating going to Craigslist to buy adderall. The important thing to remember here is that she came to us, and you, to find out of it's socially acceptable.
UGH this is too fucking sketch and too fucking shameful, but the title says it all betches. I'm glad to say that I'm finishing off this finals week on an excellent (cough, amphetamine-fuelled) note, but I've run out of my stash, my ex-source is refusing to give me more* & I know I'll need some for the coming shitstorm that is next semester. I go to one of the most prestigious & competitive prep schools in the world, let alone the country, hence the few people that DO have Adderall prescriptions here actually keep them to themselves. Also, while I'm going home tomorrow & could surely hit up some of my friends there, I'm an international student and I have no idea how available Adderall is my country. Sooooo... I resorted to going on Craigslist, & am now talking to some fucking sketchy Cameroon-based chemist who says that his company could mail me the Addy. And yes, I'm seriously considering this. Should I do it or not? Also, if any of you have completed equally-as-risky transactions on Craigslist & come out unscathed, please let me know how that went.
*My source was this kid I was hooking up with over the summer. He was a dealer/student at the university I was interning at, and his apartment was actually Candyland. After we left for the summer, we'd still talk a lot & I'd tell him how stressful school was, so he sent me this letter with 10 Addy's taped to it. When I tried asking for more, he started lecturing me about how bad amphetamines are and how dangerous it would be for him to send me another such letter, so basically he's out.
Dear Foreign Girl with Adderall Addiction,
Naturally we wanted to respond to this obvious beacon of personal responsibility with a huge "are you fucking kidding me?" but then we remembered hearing a story about a girl who went literally door-to-door in search of Adderall in college, so clearly people get really fucking desperate when it comes to the blue pill.
That said, your paragraph sounds like it's describing an episode of Nurse Jackie and judging by its length was no doubt written by your two besties, long-acting and short-acting. Here's what we took from your post.
1. You go to prep school aka high school. Usually we advise people to wait until college to become drug fiends. Some might call this a sheltered upbringing, we call it avoiding rehab.
2. You say you're international so let me guess, Canada? Sucks to suck, universal health care.
3. "Cameroon-based chemist" ...they must be keeping the secret of all the cutting edge research coming out of Cameroon at your super competitive, elite prep school.
4. Overall, maybe consider taking less Adderall. This might sound awkward coming from people who praise it practically every day, but you wrote this post on December 6th in anticipation of the NEXT semester. In other words you're just like the losers in college who email the professor for the syllabus so they can read the textbook a month before the class starts, but like a really conscientious drug addict.
5. Get some friends who actually give a shit enough to share with you. Besties don't let besties go through adderall withdrawal.
And one more thing, for a girl so low on addy, why are you so obviously wasting whatever you have left by crafting an excessively long asterisked footnote about a boy you're so obviously in love with? Go make yourself useful and stalk him on FB.
So betches, sign up for We The Betches if you haven't already, upload a really chic photo of yourself, and start talking shit.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing