January 27, 2013
Since our relaunch thousands of you have signed up for our new cute little community We The Betches. For those of you who are blind or don't know what it is here's an idea: it's a place where betches can come together and talk shit about themselves and one another. Do you have an unsolvable boy problem? Is your mom being a huge bitch? If we can't help, maybe a fellow betch can, or she can say ew and tell you to go fuck yourself, which we've noticed isn't an uncommon practice.
So naturally, we decided to step in by re-posting some highlights from the interesting shit you say, answering your questions, and blatantly making fun of the losers. Welcome to our new column "We The Betches," it's like the Dear Betch of 2013 with a burn book spin, where we troll our own website for the ridiculous shit you say and bring attention to it. Think of it like you spilling your drink on a white rug at a pregame and us calling you out.
Though usually the questions we get asked are easy and can 99% of the time be answered with "he's just not that into you," today we respond to a timeless question that's been plaguing betches since like 1996.
This actually qualifies as a legitimate question because it took me more than 2 seconds to think about and it's also way more interesting than the super lame and obvious "which SATC girl am I?"... so congrats to you betch. While an SATC marathon is great for a hangover, we have said and will remind you again that we somewhat resent that show for deluding an entire generation of women into thinking that men are analogous to shoes and being single at 35 is amazing. If someone told us that was our future we'd probably drop dead of broken dreams. Dropping dead, not betchy.
But back to your question which we'll answer by process of elimination. And of course you were correct to assume that Miranda is obviously not a betch due to her proclivity for doing work, marrying a poor guy, and having red hair.
We know Carrie was the main character and had her face on a bus (or a bus on her face if you ask
some people us) and she definitely had her betchy moments. She had a lot of trendy clothes and went to fun parties and was mildly famous which was great, but the entirety of the aforementioned "being single in the city forever is amazing" myth came straight from this horse's mouth. If we all just ignore for a second that the writers were clearly saving Big's marriage proposal for the huge fucking waste of my time which they called movies 1 and 2, we can stop pretending that Carrie wouldn't have been thrilled to marry Big in the fucking pilot episode if he asked. There, series done. But instead we had to bear witness to this decade-long lie that Carrie could be happy without him. She also gets awarded nicegirl points for excessive corny puns and completely invalid comparisons of men to any and all accessories. Finally, when she was having guy troubles she would often proclaim to be in love with New York instead and honestly we would never be friends with someone who said things like that.
Charlotte was the prettiest, richest, and so good at #8 not fucking bros that it got her a massive wedding in a hot second. In other words, she was the betchiest on paper. It was great when she got rid of impotent Trey, and it's true that her betchiness increased over the series. The real issue is that Charlotte projected an extreme nicegirl vibe at all times, and she owned it like she did that Park Avenue apartment. This really put a damper on her personality, which could've been only half as lame as seen on TV. Oops jk, not TV, HBO. But anyway, to put it simply, if Taylor Swift were brunette, and on this show, she would be Charlotte. If she just cut the niceness and blacked out a little more it's safe to say that she could've held the top spot.
As the polar opposite of Charlotte in every way, the difference between these two is a great display of how betches come in all personality types. Charlotte may have been the betchiest WASB imaginable, so if that's your cup of earl gray tea at the Plaza, then you can consider her the betchiest of the series. But if your dominant genes don't include innocence and country clubs, Samantha is your girl. She can therefore be deemed "the betchiest" because her life was just as fun and chic as Carrie's, but you'll notice she rarely wasted too much time with bullshit like harping on guys who weren't into her or having feelings. She truly did whatever the fuck she wanted whenever the fuck she wanted to, and this is what the essence of
wetness betchiness really is. Even though Charlotte may have measurably betchier qualities, if only because she wasn't pushing 55, she was also kind of repressed and conformist. Now we know many of you will say Samantha was a huge slut who had sex with everyone, but in reality she was the only one who we actually believed was ever content being single. Samantha is the epitome of how it's all about your attitude, not a checklist of qualities that make you the betch you are (not). And finally, we strongly disagree in advance with anyone arguing that Samantha was a WGG who was only pretending she could have attachment-free sex like men do. Remember, this was TV therefore making it possible to invent a person who doesn't exist in real life.
So there you have it, the final authority on the SATC girls. And speaking of girls, don't ever ask us who we think is the betchiest character on that show, the answer is none of the above.
Click here to read the original We The Betches question and probably some psychotic comments.