April 22, 2014
Despite the vastness of our closets, there’s one thing a betch will always be lacking: appropriate footwear. Like, if you didn't wear bright red pumps to your grandma’s funeral, you're probably not a real betch. To all the haters who don’t understand this, we’d let you walk a mile in our shoes, if only we could walk that far in them ourselves.
First off, wearing inappropriate shoes is a great way to make sure you never have to put any effort in getting anywhere. What do you mean we’re WALKING to the party? Do you see the shoes I’m wearing!? I mean, sure, you knew those new stripper heels were only going to be comfortable for, like, 5 minutes but you wanted to wear them so badly! Also, what better way to focus the attention on yourself than to make sure everyone else has to accommodate you just to get to the event. Okay, it’s settled, we’ll take a cab! Shot not front!!
Wearing inappropriate shoes is also a great way to get out of doing shit in, like, the most passive aggressive way possible. Wait, was I not supposed to wear sandals on our hike!? Guess I can't go then. Sorry, dad! That said, sometimes our choices in footwear are just due to poor planning. Like, how were you supposed to know that 6 inch wedges would, like, not be a comfortable choice to wear to Disney World? You might have had achy feet but at least you were the best dressed betch at Magic Kingdom.
The thing is, betches do not choose shoes based on whether they’re fucking practical. If by the end of the night you're not wanting to carry your heels home, or like, have a guy friend carry you, you're not a fucking betch. If all else fails, nothing is classier than walking barefoot down the street while carrying your shoes in hand. I mean, it’s better to destroy the bottoms of your feet than to scuff up your new pair of Jimmy Choos.
So betches, put on those stilettos and know that if one of your besties ever drives away saying "You can walk home, betches" the correct response is always "Fuck no. My shoes are too expensive. I'm taking a cab." Like the saying goes, don’t ever let someone wearing comfortable shoes tell you shit about life. Practicality is for boring people, inappropriate footwear is for betches.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing