April 20, 2015
Everybody who works in an office has sharpened their hand-eye coordination in the form of peripheral vision and web page minimization. But every once in awhile, someone important walks by as you are preoccupied by the woes of the Jenners and your cover is blown. Shit.
Here are a few tips for what you can get away with and what you can’t.
Twitter – This is a go, especially if you work in some kind of media or marketing. Even if you don’t, you’re obviously just checking Twitter’s reaction to an important news story that affects your field, you genius millennial. The user names are small and the photos are tiny so you can easily get away with scrolling through your feed and seeing what ridiculous shit has crossed Chrissy Teigen’s mind today. But like, don’t Tweet a million times during work hours. That shit is public.
Newspapers – I know that reading news online sounds like it goes against not keeping up with the news, but have you ever heard of life and style sections? Here you can read about fashion, travel, celebrities and all of your other favorite things from a respected news source, which makes you seem legit at first glance.
Bloomberg Businessweek – I know, this is usually your investment banker boyfriend’s turf. But the Businessweek section is written in pretty casual language and can cover some pretty interesting shit, such as the downfall of our elementary school uniform-manufacturer Abercrombie & Fitch and T-Swift’s music career. Plus, it’s Bloomberg so you can literally read it all day and claim you’re doing “research.”
Microsoft Word – If you have a blog, write your posts on Microsoft Word in a small font (fucking duh) at work. Hell, even make your grocery shopping list or Christmas shopping list (in April, yes… with great boredom comes great responsibility) on a Word doc and you’ll appear to be working hard at that report for your boss.
Facebook – This is probably the most recognizable web page in the world. Everyone has it, everyone knows exactly what the dark blue and white logo looks like. Going on Facebook at work is the equivalent of wearing nothing but a sandwich board with “I’m Doing Fuck-All” written on it and dancing around the office.
Pinterest – Unless you actually work for Pinterest, this is the most obvious fucking thing in the world. A glimpse of that pretty pink board with photos of clothes, makeup, and interior design will make your employer regret not hiring a dude for your role. Avoid.
Celebrity gossip sites – These are usually brightly-coloured and with big pictures of said celebrities. They are specifically designed to be eye-catching and there is no good explanation for why you were reading about the Kim and Kanye’s trip to Armenia when you are supposed to be working on that spreadsheet.
Online shopping – Proceed with caution. You can probably get away with one quick purchase (“My mom’s birthday is coming up!”) but browsing for hours is dumb. These websites are also very visual and if multiple people walk by as you’re pondering what to order from the new summer collection, they’re going to talk about you.
I apologize in advance for the stagnation in global economic growth that will be caused by the post.