Sometimes, we put ourselves through really stupid shit to entertain. This was not one of those times. I, Betchy Crocker (totally my real name thx mom and dad) have a wedding coming up—mine—and was determined to lose 3 lbs before the upcoming nuptials.
Like any true betch, I decided a juice cleanse was totally the way to go. However, upon learning that a week’s worth of juices added up to approximately oh-my-fucking-god, I decided to go with a smoothie diet instead.
Why? Because I have a fucking Vitamix that’s why. Sorry, that’s the starvation talking. But here’s a quick snippet of how a week’s worth of smoothies can both help and drive you insane.
I wake up and make a blend of frozen strawberries, kale, blueberries, ginger, and almond milk. I’m honestly shocked when I don’t taste the kale, but learn quickly that I need to blend this shit as long as possible so that I’m not chugging smoothies. Surprisingly, I’m not starving by lunch. I eat some almonds and have the second part of the smoothie before feasting on a salad for dinner.
After yesterday’s berry extravaganza, I’m feeling good about my smoothie abilities. To make up for the protein I’m clearly missing, I blend one banana, some Whole Foods almond butter (yah fuck you), almond milk, and Greek yogurt. It’s way too thick and I gag, although the taste isn’t horrendous. I add water and hate myself. I drink this until 10 am, at which point I purchase a carrot juice. I crave pizza at lunch but say no. I eat a Vitamix soup for dinner consisting of butternut squash and potatoes. I’ve lost a pound. I praise the diet gods.
I’m shocked it’s only day three. I’m feeling so un-bloated I don’t even know myself. Clearly in an effort to show everyone how cool I am, I go for the green smoothie. I blend green grapes, celery, ginger, lemon, and a fuck load of spinach. It isn’t great, but it isn’t terrible. I eat crackers for lunch because I need carbs. My dietitian friend tells me I’m an idiot; I tell her she has weird hair. I eat more leftover soup for dinner and watch my fiancé eat tacos. I cry.
There’s leftover green smoothie from yesterday, so I begrudgingly take it to work. A co-worker stops by and discusses the benefits of apple cider vinegar with me while I peruse Pinterest for alcoholic smoothie recipes. My skin looks oddly clearer, but energy is lacking.
Can cheese be blended?
I make a beet and apple smoothie and learn what suffering is. I didn’t blend it enough; it got stuck in the straw, I sucked too hard, and nearly choked. I pray that I’ve lost three pounds. My skin and hair seem better overall although my boobs are smaller. Wtf? Did I lose the weight from my tits?
I make a different beet smoothie with apples, ginger, kale, and almonds. It isn’t horrible. I have lost 4 lbs., seemingly all from my boobs. I laugh at the diet gods and their cruel sense of humor.
I successfully end the smoothie challenge. I plan to gradually ease into normal foods once more but, in the meantime, will continue working at least one smoothie into my daily meals.
Also, maybe consult a dietitian or doctor before doing this since, like, you may not eat enough and pass out on a walk. Just saying.