We Went On A Week-Long Smoothie Diet And These Are Our Stories

By Betchy Crocker

Sometimes, we put ourselves through really stupid shit to entertain. This was not one of those times. I, Betchy Crocker (totally my real name thx mom and dad) have a wedding coming up—mine—and was determined to lose 3 lbs before the upcoming nuptials.

I wanna lose 3 pounds

Like any true betch, I decided a juice cleanse was totally the way to go. However, upon learning that a week’s worth of juices added up to approximately oh-my-fucking-god, I decided to go with a smoothie diet instead.

Why? Because I have a fucking Vitamix that’s why. Sorry, that’s the starvation talking. But here’s a quick snippet of how a week’s worth of smoothies can both help and drive you insane.

Day 1

I wake up and make a blend of frozen strawberries, kale, blueberries, ginger, and almond milk. I’m honestly shocked when I don’t taste the kale, but learn quickly that I need to blend this shit as long as possible so that I’m not chugging smoothies. Surprisingly, I’m not starving by lunch. I eat some almonds and have the second part of the smoothie before feasting on a salad for dinner.

Day 2

After yesterday’s berry extravaganza, I’m feeling good about my smoothie abilities. To make up for the protein I’m clearly missing, I blend one banana, some Whole Foods almond butter (yah fuck you), almond milk, and Greek yogurt. It’s way too thick and I gag, although the taste isn’t horrendous. I add water and hate myself. I drink this until 10 am, at which point I purchase a carrot juice. I crave pizza at lunch but say no. I eat a Vitamix soup for dinner consisting of butternut squash and potatoes. I’ve lost a pound. I praise the diet gods.

yes lawd

Day 3

I’m shocked it’s only day three. I’m feeling so un-bloated I don’t even know myself. Clearly in an effort to show everyone how cool I am, I go for the green smoothie. I blend green grapes, celery, ginger, lemon, and a fuck load of spinach. It isn’t great, but it isn’t terrible. I eat crackers for lunch because I need carbs. My dietitian friend tells me I’m an idiot; I tell her she has weird hair. I eat more leftover soup for dinner and watch my fiancé eat tacos. I cry.

Day 4

There’s leftover green smoothie from yesterday, so I begrudgingly take it to work. A co-worker stops by and discusses the benefits of apple cider vinegar with me while I peruse Pinterest for alcoholic smoothie recipes. My skin looks oddly clearer, but energy is lacking.

Day 5

Can cheese be blended?

Gimme some more cheese

Day 6

I make a beet and apple smoothie and learn what suffering is. I didn’t blend it enough; it got stuck in the straw, I sucked too hard, and nearly choked. I pray that I’ve lost three pounds.  My skin and hair seem better overall although my boobs are smaller. Wtf? Did I lose the weight from my tits?

Day 7

I make a different beet smoothie with apples, ginger, kale, and almonds. It isn’t horrible. I have lost 4 lbs., seemingly all from my boobs. I laugh at the diet gods and their cruel sense of humor.

curse you

I successfully end the smoothie challenge. I plan to gradually ease into normal foods once more but, in the meantime, will continue working at least one smoothie into my daily meals.

Also, maybe consult a dietitian or doctor before doing this since, like, you may not eat enough and pass out on a walk. Just saying.




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