Here we are again. Another weekend, another attempt to plan our future debauchery around the arbitrary movement of the stars and planets as they correspond to the date and time of our birth. It’s kind of beautiful, isn’t it? Will you be blacking out this weekend, or will you be staying in and catching up on all the shows you keep promising people you’ll watch? Will you meet your future husband, or will you drunkenly makeup with the fuckboy who will waste the next six months of your life? There’s no way to know. Just kidding! Yes, there is! You can look to the stars! And being that we adult, educated women would never do anything without consulting the heavens, let’s dive into it so that you can make the absolute most of this midsummer weekend.
Aries
Word to the wise: every betch needs a side hustle. Don’t know what yours is? Well this is the weekend to figure it out. If you have a skill or hobby, this would be the obvious choice, but don’t let that limit you. There are thousands of mediocre Etsy pages out there peddling half-assed product and making actual money off of it, so why not you? Grab some chalk pens, watch a YouTube video about calligraphy, and start collecting those checks.
Taurus
Emotions are a crazy thing, Taurus. Crazy in the sense that no one wants to hear about them, but that doesn’t seem to stop you from telling anyone in earshot about your latest breakdown. This weekend, reach down into your Irish roots and repress every emotion that tries to leave your body. Not Irish? For the next two days, you are. It’s an easy one-step process where you drink alcohol anytime you consider talking about the way you feel. Give it a try.
Gemini
Some of your decisions lately have been sketchy to say the least. You aren’t really being yourself and it’s pretty goddamn obvious to just about everyone who knows you. Your friends. Your coworkers. That guy you ghosted three months ago who won’t fucking quit. Literally everyone is on to you. This weekend, try getting back to basics. Maybe go out and do some of the things you used to enjoy and see if that spark is still there. People change, which is fine, so it’s possible this could be the beginning of the new you. But if it is, make sure the decision is yours alone and not being influenced by others.
Cancer
You’ve been through a bit of a rough patch recently, Cancer. Has this “patch” lasted the entirety of summer? Sure, but that doesn’t mean your luck can’t turn around now. Pretend this weekend is the first of the summer and dedicate yourself to having the best time ever. My advice would be to turn on Cut to the Feeling by Carly Rae Jepsen and follow your instincts from there on out. Wherever Carly takes you is the place you need to be, and hopefully, that place is full of margaritas.
Leo
Birthday season is right around the corner Leo, which means all productivity is about to halt in celebration of the most important person in your life: you. Everyone knows that a Leo throws down for their birthday, and this year should be no different. This weekend, take some time to strategize the perfect birthday plan. Whether you’re looking for an intimate gathering of your closest friends or an all-out party the likes of which could get you evicted from your apartment complex, there is only one rule: whatever you say goes. Stock up on the champagne and get ready for a month of celebrating.
Virgo
Virgo, it’s time to get loose and have some fun this weekend. No offense, but you’ve been pretty stale lately and this is the weekend that all changes. Make sure to pay attention to all the men around you, because one of them might turn out to be the man of your dreams. Or maybe just the man of the night. Or even just the man who keeps buying you shots of tequila. Either way, be a yes betch and have an amazing night that you’ll never remember. TBH, it’ probably for the best.
Libra
Libras have a tendency to throw down for their friends. Or their acquaintances. OR a girl they met in line for the bathroom who’s just having a rough night. It’s sweet in theory, but it’s also emotionally exhausting and a bit extra if we’re being honest. This weekend, try and be a little more judicious about the people you throw yourself on the line for. I know it’s going to be hard to not rush to the defense of every person you come across, but you just might make it through the weekend with your mental and physical health intact. Yes, it is in fact possible.
Scorpio
Yikes, Scorpio. I’m not sure what exactly is going down this weekend, but I do know that it’s going to be shitty. At times it may seem like the world is ending, but this is where your friends come in with ample amounts of alcohol to assure you that it’s not. Unless you count the drifting icecaps and all but don’t think about that right now. There is nothing more powerful than the will of a drunk girl trying to cheer up her sad friend. If science could bottle that kind of effort, the world would be at peace. Just sit back and try to keep your head above water; your friends should take care of the rest.
Sagittarius
This is a weekend of new experiences and new people, Sagittarius, and your only job is to go with the flow. Some if it may seem weird at times, but don’t question it. If needed, employ some clichéd mentality like “you’re only young once” or “it’s summer” or “I suffer from near constant existential dread and no longer fear the threat of death.” You know, whatever works for you. Just keep an open mind and let the universe take care of the rest.
Capricorn
Love is in the air, Capricorn. You may have confused it for allergens or smoke from wild fires, but it’s love, we swear. Instead of going the usual route of avoiding that shit at all costs, this weekend try maybe, I don’t know, being open to it? It’s a wild concept but stay with me here. Rumor has it that some people open themselves up to others and actually enjoy it. Bible. For the next two days, you are one of those foreign people with no walls or emotional baggage. Let’s see where it takes you.
Aquarius
The nostalgia is going to be real this weekend, Aquarius. Gross, right? Something about the weather, the stars, or the people will be taking you on a long trip down memory lane. It can be comforting to go back in time and remember the people who helped make you the person you are today. Or it can be horrifying. Guess there’s only one way to find out. No matter the outcome, alcohol will be there to see you through it.
Pisces
I have one word for you this weekend, Pisces: you. You’ve been doing the most these past few weeks and seem to only suffer for it, good intentions be damned. Your life right now is the truest example of no good deed goes unpunished, so it’s time to stop fucking doing good deeds. The next 48 hours should be a tribute to you and anyone who’s not onboard can get tossed to the side. You deserve some unadulterated praise, and it’s about time you get it. Bless up.
