Author’s Note: The theme of this week’s horoscopes is “the world is burning so we might as all burn with it.” Following any of the advice listed below could result in arrest, alcohol poisoning, or very real death. But hey, we’re not going to stop you.
In case you were on day three of your MDW hangover and unable to check the news yesterday, America is going down in flames. Trump pulling out of the Paris Agreement is quite literally the first scene of a movie where Bruce Willis has to save the entire world from an asteroid by blowing himself up to the sounds of Aerosmith’s I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. Yeah that was a shameless Armageddon plug. No one can stop me, we’re all going to die.
There’s nothing we here at Betches love more than a good apocalyptic crisis, because no one questions you when you pop up a bottle of wine at your desk at 9:30AM. Or vodka. The world is your oyster, kids.This weekend, fully embrace the inevitable end of the world by just absolutely ruining your life, and let your sun sign tell you exactly how to do it.
Aries
Yesterday the hot and completely sane president of France invited American scientists to move to his country so we can all try and save the world before the oceans engulf us all. Guess what, Aries? The stars want you to go. Seriously. Book a flight this weekend, and don’t look back. But before you go, pull a Max Keeble’s Big Move and destroy all your enemies. Just be sure to actually leave when it’s done. Eat an extra baguette for me, please.
Taurus
Have you ever wondered how much wine you can drink before you just die, Taurus? Of course you have. We all have. I literally think about this once a day. Satisfy your unquenchable thirst for knowledge and alcohol by testing that theory this weekend. Pros: Because you will be dying afterwards, you don’t need to worry about finances. Blow literally all of your money on the eight bottles of wine you’re about to ingest. Cons: Dying before Florida is finally swallowed by the rising sea levels. Sounds like a win-win to me.
Gemini
This is the weekend you fully embrace your duplicitous nature, Gemini. Consequences are a thing of the past, just like fresh air and the polar ice caps. Spend the next two days stirring up as much shit as you possibly can. Speak only in lies and condescension. If you must tell the truth, let it be a horrible opinion you’ve been holding in for multiple years. Let the world feel your wrath, because pretty soon it won’t be able to feel anything.
Cancer
All anyone talks about is how emotional you can get, Cancer. Tbh, they aren’t wrong, but why bother with pretenses anymore? This weekend, release every emotion inside your fragile, temperamental body. We all know you’ve been writing them down since you were capable of holding a pen, all leading to this momentous occasion. Invite all your friends over under the ruse of a party, and then once they arrive lock the doors and windows Lannister-style. Except, instead of murdering them, you can just tell them all how you really feel about every single thing that’s ever happened to you. Let’s be real, murder would be preferable.
Leo
You’ve been known to burn a bridge or two or a hundred, Leo. It’s cool, we’ve all done it. But have you ever thought about taking your art to the next level and burning literally every bridge in your life? Sounds promising right? This weekend, no relationship is safe. Lifelong friends, significant others, parents: cut them all. Sounds way harsh right? That’s because it is, but it’ll be less people you have to mourn when we all die in the war for natural resources.
Virgo
Sometimes you can be a bit uptight, Virgo. It’s cool, we all used to be uptight when the air was clean and water was readily available, but no more. Embrace this Mad Max era we’re living in by going buck wild this weekend. Whatever you do, make it as illegal as possible. Some thought starters: lighting things on fire in the middle of an intersection (bonus points if those things aren’t yours), streaking through as many high school graduations as you can hit in a single weekend, or, best yet, punching anyone in the face you see wearing crocs in public. If you don’t go to jail, you didn’t do it right.
Libra
It is a truth universally acknowledged that Libras love drugs. Don’t fight me on this. If you’re a Libra and you’re reading this and thinking “but I don’t like drugs!” it’s just because you haven’t done the right ones yet. Luckily for you, your horoscope has a solution: do all the drugs this weekend. Literally every one you can get your hand on. I’m not personally telling you to start huffing that condensed air that people use to clean their keyboards, but according to the few episodes of Intervention I’ve seen, it’s a crowd pleaser. Extra benefit: it’ll probably be less toxic than the air we’re all going to be breathing soon.
Sagittarius
Have you ever been called a man-eater in your life, Sagittarius? You probably have, because you’re a woman who has embraced her sexuality in this patriarchal hellhole that we live in. It’s a hard life to live, but it doesn’t have to be. This weekend, why not fully embrace the title and literally start eating men. Remember Jennifer’s Body? That’s the vibe we’re going for here. Since this God forsaken Mermaid trend will likely be the only thing to survive the coming apocalypse, it’s time for the for all of us to put our money where our Instagrams are. Except in this case you’re one of those terrifying mermaids who lures sailors into the ocean and then drown them. You can still have flowing hair and iridescent skin, though. Get you a mermaid who can do both.
Capricorn
You’ve always enjoyed the finer things in life, Capricorn. It’s truly admirable. Sadly for you, those finer things are in low supply. In this case, finer things mean breathable air and drinkable water, but you get it. This weekend, revel in the dying days of luxury by spending your entire life’s savings on things you don’t need. I’m serious. We’re talking all of it. Fancy clothes. Extravagant food. Alcohol that is so expensive that it actually tastes good. Do it all. Eat every piece of avocado toast you can find, because it’s not like any of us are living long enough to buy houses anyways. If you aren’t diagnosed with gout by Monday, you aren’t living your best life.
Aquarius
You’ve been known to suffer from a bit of a God Complex, Aquarius. At least that’s what people tell you while you don’t listen to them and ruminate on how truly magnificent you are. Instead of fighting the label, fully embrace it. Nothing says “I am the omnipotent ruler of all that I see,” like acting out a full blown purge on your city this weekend. Honestly, all it would take is a few fliers and a well-written Craigslist post to garner the support of the people because, at this point, none of us are all that stable. Then watch from the safest rooftop you can find as your home and all those who inhabit it burn to the ground. Fear not, the rest of the world will soon follow.
Pisces
You’ve always been considered the quiet one of the horoscope, Pisces. Daydreamers who leave all their energy for things that will never quite happen. It might sound sad, but it really doesn’t have to be. In this new world, where the President of the United States abdicates the role of world leader and instead treats his country like a sadistic game of Sims, anything is possible. This weekend, it’s time for you to follow your dreams in the most extreme measures possible. Empty your bank accounts. Move to a big city. Realize it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Further realize that reality will never quite match up to your dreams. Lose hope. Spiral into full blown existential dread. Become a nomad who drinks 40’s on the street and tells strangers that we’re all just screaming into the void. Prove them right when the void quite literally opens up in the middle of the country and swallows us all whole. Feel validated in your final moments that you at least put yourself out there. Let the darkness ensue.
