Yeah, this week is probably going to suck because, well, the week after a holiday always sucks. That has nothing to do with your horoscope, btw. Actually, you should enjoy the fuck out of this week, because Mercury retrogrades starting December 1. Live it up while you can, betches!
Aries
The planets in your chart are all kicking it in the area that controls your desire to travel and explore. Sure, you’re probably forced to buckle down for the next month until you can escape during the Christmas holiday. Just don’t use the term “Adventuring” in an Instagram caption when you do get that vacation, or I will be forced to straight slap you in the face.
Taurus
You might be coming back to work/school this week with hair full of secrets. Mercury is hanging out in your house of secrets, meaning whatever knowledge you’re bringing back after the holiday weekend is sure to be enlightening to you and others close to you. Don’t blow up the group chat with the gossip. Not all betches can be trusted to keep their mouths shut this week.
Gemini
Your mind is spinning over that one sorta/super embarrassing thing you did recently. As long as you didn’t, say, shit your pants at the bar this weekend, it’s probably not as embarrassing as you’re making it out to be. Work on keeping your vibe more professional this week so you bounce back faster, and keep the fuck-ups to a minimum before all hell breaks loose next week.
Cancer
You’re not enough of a psycho to call your boyfriend “daddy”—ew, just the thought of doing that seriously is honestly so repulsive. Anyway, as I was saying, you wouldn’t fall into that sugar baby category, but you might be falling into the arms of someone you feel has something to teach you. You’ve got an itch that can only be scratched by someone who you feel like you can learn something from, in the bedroom and otherwise.
Leo
Your sex life is honestly kind of boring right now, don’t you think? Venus in your domestic realm will inspire you to ignite your inner sex goddess, but changes have to be made at home. Of course, you can only get in the mood if the environment is right. Clean your goddamn room, light a motherfucking candle, get out the red wine (but not too much). You got this, even if you’re only down for some solo action.
Virgo
Venus in your house of communication makes you a little more complimentary than usual. Like, you might find yourself telling Becky just how nice you think her hair is when, normally, you’d just think that to yourself and move on with your day. Don’t totally fight the urge to be nice. Making someone feel good this week will pay off later on when this person does you a huge favor by the end of the year.
Libra
Your problem-solving skills will be on display in the week ahead. That’s going to be helpful when others around you are making a fuckton of mistakes because they’re still on weekend mode. Getting things right while others have their heads up their asses will make those with authority see you in a really favorable light. Soak it in so you can coast on that good favor until Christmas.
Scorpio
Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Cyber Monday—it’s basically like the universe has aligned to make sure you spend all your money by the end of this month. Think of ways to maximize your earning capacity this week, or at least don’t dip out of work early every day. This tactic of actually being at work when you’re supposed to be will serve you well. Something sneaky is going on behind the scenes, so keep your head on a swivel for the office snitch.
Sagittarius
The Sun, Mercury, Venus, and Saturn are all in your sign. That basically makes you the luckiest betch on the planet right now. Not only will you have a lot of energy, no Red Bull needed, you also have the ability to schmooze like a motherfucker. Be cautious at the end of the week, though: A playful competition could turn too serious, and no one wants weird drama going into Mercury in retrograde.
Capricorn
So much is going on with you, even if it feels like you basically have no life. Yeah, you probably feel really busy all the time, but maybe you don’t feel fulfilled. That’s totally fine. The Sun is going to enter your chart in the next few weeks, reigniting you with spirit and happiness. By the end of the week, you could be at odds with someone close to you, like a family member or significant other. Your friends will totally still be around, though, so count on them, or something.
Aquarius
You’re the life of the party as you enter the actual holiday party season. Your mood is high now, so you’re probably RSVP-ing all over the damn place. Remember, people are counting on you to keep the plans you make now, so be cautious with the invites you accept. A party across town might sound fun now, but by the middle of December, when it’s snowy as shit, you’ll really be regretting clicking that “yes” box.
Pisces
Make friends with your bank account as Mercury retrogrades on December 1. Keeping an eye on what you’re spending/you’ve already spent will save you an SOS call to dad in the future. Meanwhile, the Sun, Mercury, Venus, and Saturn are all at the top of your chart. You’re super visible to bosses, professors and anyone with authority over you, but, like, in a good way. Schmooze it up and use that positive attention to the utmost advantage.
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