Ahh horoscopes! The only trustworthy way to make all of life’s most important decisions like, when should you plan your next vacay and should you dump your current hookup IRL or just ghost him via text? This week, we’re here to provide you with the advice that your shitty Obamacare (RIP) therapist can’t, based off the only thing that makes sense anymore: the motions of the planets as they relate to your birthday. Be sure to read thoroughly before leaving any passive-aggressive notes or sending any page long emails to your boss demanding more sick days, and be sure to consult your friends’ horoscopes to make sure all the advice you give over text this week is 100% accurate.
Aries
Spring is around the corner and you’re going fucking crazy anticipating the warmer weather. Don’t worry if you maxed out your dad’s credit card on swimsuits you saw on Instagram models, because good things are definitely right around the corner for you. This is a good week to prepare for the future. Maybe drink an extra glass of water, skip the cheese fries and hit a barre class because you’re going to need to be in tip-top summer shape at the drop of a hat.
Taurus
Sorry Taurus betch, this is the week you’re getting cut off from something sort of important to you. Even if mom and dad don’t cut you off financially or anything super tragic like that, you might be getting cut off in other ways. A friend might have had enough of listening to you complain about your ex when you still leave parties with him. A roommate might be fucking tired of cleaning your dishes every night you drunkenly try to make cheesy pasta. Just saying, be prepared for someone just being sick of your shit in general this week.
Gemini
You’re kind of in a weird place with partners and close friends this week. You want someone to give you a pep talk or some kind of commendation and encouragement, but no one is really doing that. You’re probably going to feel a little frustrated with how no one is showering you with compliments and telling you, “Oh my gosh, no, you’re like so skinny.” This is the time for you to strap on some big girl panties and pick yourself up by your bootstraps. Do you think Beyoncé bases her feelings on how many Instagram likes she got this week? No, she just keeps on being Beyoncé. You can’t be Beyoncé, but you can do the next best thing which is to stop pitying yourself and get your shit together.
Cancer
Unfortunately, things aren’t going to come as easily to you this week as they usually do. You are getting used to just doing you and having it turn out really well. You’re probs going to have to put some effort into your activities this week. Ew. You’ll be rewarded for it though, because, someone will definitely notice that it looks like you’re trying really hard. How cute.
Leo
Your week is actually looking super promising. Since Saturn is in Sagittarius it works out really well for you, because Sagittarius is a fire sign and Leo is also a fire sign. It’s basic Horoscope math, duh. Anyway, this is why your life is going to run really fucking smoothly this week. Now’s a great time to start planning something big, like a move to a new city or an extended European vacation. Plans you make right now will carry your good Karma with them as they come to fruition.
Virgo
This is one of those kind of gross times where you’re feeling really introspective. Keep yourself and your Virgo betch friends away from the red wine because you will definitely drunk cry yourself to sleep. Try as you might to blackout of your emotions, it’s just not going to happen. You better deal with your feelings before St. Paddy’s Day or things are going to get really messy, like, drunk crying on the bar’s bathroom floor messy. Yikes.
Libra
Your world view is about to change. No, you’re not going to, like, be cursed and wake up as a Trump supporter or some shit. Instead, your literal view is probably going to be a little different. A change in scenery is definitely in the near future. Please tell me it’s Spring Break. You’re so fucking over winter and could really use a pick-me-up in the form of just getting out of town somehow.
Scorpio
It’s a shit show when it comes to your finances every time Saturn is in Sagittarius. Don’t plan on getting a huge tax return or winning the lottery any time soon. Oh shit, you remember you have to pay taxes soon probably, right? Anyway, stay on top of your paperwork this week and try to avoid parking meters. You’ll have notoriously bad luck with fines and shit if you don’t keep your head on a swivel this week.
Sagittarius
Saturn is back in your sign, meaning you’re on your way to a new adventure whether you like it of not. But, let’s be honest, you’ll probably like it. As with all new adventures, you’ll need to add some new accessories or a new outfit or six in order to fit in with your new path in life. Don’t worry about cost right now. Obviously, this is the path the stars want you to take and will work with what you give them. That’s how horoscopes work, right?
Capricorn
When Saturn is in Sagittarius you need to get rid of all the irrelevant aspects of your life. It’s probably a good time to clear up some iPhone storage by deleting all the numbers of guys you met on Tinder but don’t talk to anymore. If it hasn’t happened yet, it’s not going to happen. All of the shit from your ex you’ve been holding on to? Yeah, time to take a trip to the donation bins. Clear eyes, clear contacts lists, can’t lose. That’s what me and the Dillon Panters say, anyway.
Aquarius
You’re kind of feeling like a martyr these days. That’s not ideal. You’re really suffering from your own success. Kind of like when stars get too big and powerful so they explode and create a black hole. Talking about actual stars, not Taylor Swift’s ego, but it works as a metaphor. Anyway, you feel like you’re giving your best and performing well, but others keep asking more and more of you. It’s probably because they know you can handle the responsibility. I mean, it’s shitty, but you’re just going to have to deal with it this week.
Pisces
Saturn at the top of your chart means you can see clearly the rain has gone all the shit going on in your life. You’re really sure of your values and the role people around you should play in your life. You actually haven’t had this kind of clarity in quite some time. Trust your intuition enough to act on your knowledge and cut those out of your life who aren’t a benefit to you and bring those who rock your world a little closer into your circle. I wouldn’t want to be the next idiot who steps to you, because you’re ready to clap back at the snap of a finger.
