Another week, another set of predictions based on your birthday and the movement of the planets and stars. Or something. Anyway, if you’re looking for an excuse to call out sick from work or do something completely ratchet and fuck up your life nearly beyond repair, look no further. We’ve got all the justification you need for you to do the irresponsible stuff you’d probably have done regardless. We know, we’re like, so thoughtful. Read below for your weekly betchy horoscopes.
Aries
Your vibes are so chill right now. You’re like, Netflixing in sweatpants with a fat blunt and a phone on ‘Do Not Disturb’ c-h-i-l-fucking-l right now. The Sun and Mercury are hiding in your chart so you’re perfectly content to not be the center of attention—for once in your life. In fact, when some shady shit goes down around you at work or school, you’ll be thanking your lucky stars that your name is not coming up, literally. Since Jupiter is opposite your sign too, you’re in a great position to cozy up with your significant other as you continue to lay low this week. But only this week—any longer than that and you risk turning into one of those boring people who gets in a relationship and forgets what fun is and wears sweatpants not just for cozy time, but all the time because sweatpants are the only thing that fit right now.
Taurus
Mars slides into your DMs this week—metaphorically, of course. And unlike when you get a 3am “U UP?” from your ex, you’re actually happy to hear from Mars right now, because it gives you energy to be a boss betch. It’ll be like your Adderall took Adderall. You’ll be focused, organized and totes capable of accomplishing everything in front of you. You’ll be more likely to steamroll other people and their dumb ideas though, so, just like, maybe be cautious of that. Not everyone is on your level this week (or any week, TBH…)
Gemini
Stay up on that nightly exfoliating routine this week because you’ll be getting a lot more attention with the Sun and Mercury at the top of your chart. This is not the time you want to be dealing with a breakout because everyone wants a piece of you and probably want you standing next to them in their Instagram photos. Saturn is opposite your sign, though, which makes arguments with your boyfriend more likely. There’s actually nothing to can do about it so just wait it out and ignore him or something until it passes and then blame it on your horoscope later. Are horoscopes the new periods?
Cancer
You’re drinking a lot of matcha and basically feeling healthy AF lately, which is definitely having an effect on how attractive you are to others. Well, it’s either the tea or the fact that Venus is at the top of your chart making you hotter than you’ve been in months. Also, Mars brings you the energy to deal with group project bullshit. Hot and tolerant—this week, you’re the total package.
Leo
Like a lion, Leos are generally outgoing, social and entertaining, but under the surface you can be pretty cautious about who you really let into your inner circle. This week, you’re considering lifting the VIP rope to let a new member or two into your pride. This is actually a pretty good week to do just that because your decision-making skills are on point and you’re just like, very wise and woke to what’s happening around you. Go ahead and crack that icy, cold heart open for a sec.
Virgo
Virgo betches be like Fuuuuuuuuuck, why am I still so tired? Sorry, hun, that’s just the way it is for another freaking week in a row. The good news is other people are more likely to do you favors because they can tell you’re not your normal, sparkly self. Likewise, you can stay in bed and still get a workout in, if you know what I mean. This week especially, intimacy for you is at an all time high and you’re more likely to succumb to passion and affection, making this the perfect time to swipe right recklessly and email your boss to say you’ll be working from home this week.
Libra
You want to get a lot done in the week ahead so that things aren’t piling up for you later on. An admirable goal, sure, but it’s most likely not going to happen because you’re addicted to procrastinating right now. You need a definite dose of willpower in order to break out of this rut. Instead of cleaning your apartment you’re going to want to work out for three fucking hours. If you don’t want to work out, a spotless kitchen and bathroom are in store. See? Things will get done, just maybe not the things you expected. But it still counts.
Scorpio
You’re super playful and fun this week. You have a weird feeling that you’re forgetting to do something (taxes) but you’re still making a lot of plans to go to movies and concerts and get food. Don’t worry, you’re not being forgetful; you’re just really casual and carefree right now. Everyone around you seems to be stressing about something, but that doesn’t mean you need to join in on their shitty pity fest. Do your own thing or find some other Scorpios to hang out with so you don’t give into the bore whores around you.
Sagittarius
This is the perfect week to plan a vacation because you’re really craving a change of scenery. Instead of pulling a Katy Perry and cutting all you hair off and dumping Orlando Bloom to get that change, book a trip so you have something to look forward to that doesn’t include a Miley Cyrus side-shave. You’ll need all your hair and wits about you this week to keep yourself from procrastinating. Power through and make it all the way to spring and you’ll have a dope trip waiting for you at the finish line.
Capricorn
It seems like you’re traveling all over the place this week yet still not getting anywhere. Like, you might be making a lot of trips for work, but you’re still not getting any vacation. Woah, what a metaphor. Anyway, a real vacation might not be in your immediate future, but you definitely deserve a vacation from reality, whether that be a romantic night out to dinner or just a full day dedicated to Netflix and snacks. You better carve out some self-care time before next week rolls around and you go totally crazy. Just sayin.
Aquarius
You’re in the middle of contemplating a major purchase, with your own money or your dad’s, which is technically just your “future money” anyway. Whatever. It doesn’t matter whose money it is, just that a big buy is heading your way. It can be anything! A yoga retreat. A fancy-ass mattress. Maybe two fancy-ass mattresses to replace the glorified dog bed your boyfriend has been sleeping on for the past seven years. It doesn’t really matter. The most important thing is that you make the decision to buy while you’re in a good mood and not because you’re stressed. Also, don’t wait until your lease is totally up before looking for a new car or apartment. Planning ahead will be your saving grace this week.
Pisces
You feel like you’ve got a lot to say and people need to listen the fuck up. Avoid the dreaded Facebook rant this week in favor of a really good heart-to-heart with a friend or coworker whose advice you trust. Hell, if you need advice that badly, you could even ask your mom. Still, your first priority should be yourself, so don’t take any advice that isn’t totally benefiting you in every way. You don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. And again, just to reiterate, stay the fuck away from Facebook.
