We're All Gonna Starve: Sabra Recalls 30k Cases Of Hummus

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

You might have heard about a recent recall of Blue Bell ice cream, but odds are you didn't, because you're a betch. Unfortunately there is a new food recall you might actually need to pay attention to...it's hummus. Not just any hummus, Sabra hummus. Well, this is the worst news I've heard all week. Why couldn't they recall Athenos or the shitty rando grocery store brand hummus? A moment of silence for all the betches who will go hungry(er than normal) this week.

Here's what happened: on March 30th a Kroger in Port Huron, Michigan (nothing good ever happens in Michigan) revealed through a routine inspection that some of their Sabra hummus had the potential for Listeria. Judging by context I'm going to go ahead and assume that despite what it sounds like, Listeria is not a vaginal cleanser. Nope, just googled it and it's actually a bacteria that can cause fever, muscle aches, diarrhea, and even death, so like super fun stuff. Tbh if you're shopping at Kroger in the first place you kinda deserve it.

Also, Betchy Crocker can feel free to correct me here, but don't you just make hummus by throwing chick peas and some spices and shit in a blender? Where exactly does this allow for bacteria to get up in there and contaminate shit? It's not like you even have to cook anything...

So far 30,000 cases of Classic Hummus have been recalled nationwide. Take a deep breath, our sacred Roasted Garlic is safe. Thank you Based God for this small miracle.




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