What Do I Do If My Boyfriend Is Doing Some Sketchy Shit On Facebook? Ask a Pro

By The Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I have been dating this bro for almost 2 years, and i definitely am thinking about our future together. Only problem: our relationship just turned into a long-distance thing. Since I moved, I have been super jealous and totally crazy. I have checked out his facebook to see who he's been talking to etc. I never felt like I couldn't trust him, but now I see that he's been searching this girl a few times each day and looking at her pics. (shoutout to facebook's activity log page!) He has this girl saved as a last-name only in his phone, and has recently deleted his convo's with her, not sure if they keep happening and he deletes it when I come around. He has texted her to meet up at the bar a few times, but the messages get deleted before I can creep the responses. Should i be worried at his recent sketchy behaviour that he denies and says they're just friends? 



Dear Insecure,

Um, yes, you friggin psycho, you should be worried. Those are literally all of the flags that he’s creepin. You should also stop being crazy and peeping on other people’s property. Like, just because it worked out this time, don’t think that gives you carte blanche to snoop in the phone of every guy you date. If you’re really so insecure that you just can’t help yourself, then you need to talk to someone or otherwise address your issues. As an aside, what the fuck is the Facebook “activity log page?” Does that mean people can see when I’ve been stalking them? If so, the week following Spring Break next year is about to get a lot lamer.

Creeping Kisses,

Head Pro

Hey Head Pro,

I know this is a little off the beaten path of relationship and job questions that you receive. However, I have this problem in my life that I want some outside advice/encouragement on. I play soccer in college (I know, it's not betchy to play sports, I'll just make a disclaimer now that I'm probs not the betchiest girl ever), and this year I tore my ACL and my meniscus. I have to get surgery, which is like yeah a major bummer. ​I could pretend like a really aloof cool girl who isn't bothered by this shit but like it's kind of messed with my mind a lot. It's my junior year, and I literally lost over half of my junior soccer season, which has been devastating. This dumb injury has affected really day to day things like walking to class and getting blackout and killin it on the dance floor. I won't be able to dance, play soccer, jog, basically anything fun or normal until like June because my surgery is in a week (November).

How would you suggest dealing with this mentally? I haven't been handling with this very well according to my family and friends (mood swings, a lot of crying and bitching, basically my roommates have had to step up and act like trained psychologists which isn't fair at all). How do I get around the danger of re-tearing my ACL when I go out? How do I cope without being able to do the other thing I love, which is play soccer? Wtf do i do when I go back for finals literally on Percocet and crutches? I don't want to continue being a bad friend, boring AF nerd who stays in all the time, or fail all my classes, so I just idk I want some guidance? Hope this email wasn't too lame and thanks for the help.

Sincerely, ​

Nothing’s fine I'm torn (ok obnoxious reference I'm sorry)

Dear I like that song,

Well, for starters I think you’re not giving yourself enough credit here. Yes, the surgery will be temporarily debilitating, but human beings have a remarkable capacity for overcoming injuries and learning to adapt and live a normal life. I mean, ask anyone who’s been injured and relegated to a wheelchair for the rest of their life - sure, it’s depressing, but most of them maintain a substantial zeal for a life well-lived. In the grand scheme of things, having to remain seated while you get blackout won’t be nearly as devastating as you imagine it will. As far as preventing re-injury, I trust your physician will have some guidelines regarding that. I would assume you’ll be instructed to lay off it completely at first, but again, if being “in the mix” with your friends is what matters, you’ll adapt to whatever hardware they saddle you with very quickly.

This is going to sound lame as hell, but if you want to be able to scratch your competitive itch while incapacitated, consider video games. No, it’s not “betchy,” but college campuses are lousy with bros who are, like, WAY too into gaming. There are all sorts of games out there, so odds are you’ll be able to find something you like. Another idea might be to see if you can act as an assistant or student coach for your soccer team while you recover. While it may be tough to be so close to the action but not part of it, you might find it helpful for staying in the loop and feeling like part of the team. If the depression gets to you, don’t be afraid to seek help. I broke a toe last summer and could barely walk for a couple of weeks. It was pretty fucking depressing, having something as fundamental as locomotion taken from you. Your best bet is to be open and outward with your frustrations, rather than keeping them hidden.

Wobbly Kisses,

Head Pro{C}

Sup Pro,

For 4 years, I've been chased by a Frat Bro who I went to college with....and I started dating him last August. Before this, he was totes addicted to drugs(xanax), very unstable and weird as fuck. He has always called me the "hottest girl" at our college, and admittedly worshiped me. He is currently 25 years old, introverted, and not close with his family or friends. The entire time that he pursued me, he had a "basic betch on the side", who he would have sex with, write love letters to...but never make his girlfriend. She never met his family, and he pursued other women the entire time. (because she was arguably very basic, boring, and not hot).

After dating for more than 1 year...this boy broke up with me because I became a PSYCHO. His "ex gf" wrote me the day after and sent me screenshots of text messages he sent her the morning after we ended things. She told me he never reached out to her, not once, until we broke up. He sent her text messages calling her the "the love of his life", and saying that I was a "rebound". He told her that he "never loved me, didn't see a future", and "can't forget her." She turned him down because he literally cheated on her/never actually made her his GF/ fucked other girls the entire time they were together. He was basically my bitch when I was dating him...and a very loyal boyfriend.  I'm confused, as he was the person to make me meet his entire family, DTR, and he was the one who wanted to meet my family and make things serious. Did he fake that for 1 year, and love another person the entire time?

He has since come back to me, and has told me that he loves me. He told me that she was never his real girlfriend, and that the entire time I was with him I was all that he ever thought about. I  never, ever saw one sign of her existing in his life, and even when they were "in love together" - he would constantly ask me to dinner, tell me he misses me, ask me to go to charity events, etc....He told me he reached out to her to distract himself and that he said those things because he was desperate and looking for sex/ an ego-boost, and she's always been his back-up. She was easy for him because she literally has ZERO options..... and I was always difficult. He was like my best friend, and he told me that they were never friends. . He sent me flowers at work today and he blocked her on facebook after learning that she sent me those screen shots. I'm worried that I'm simply a rebound from this girl and that they have some weird emotional bond - but maybe I am being an insecure betch? I never questioned his love for me before this instance. Please tell me what to do?


Defeated by a fat chick

Dear Crazy,

Jesus Christ. This is one of the worst fucking emails I’ve gotten in a long time. This guy sounds like a real catch. Why the fuck are you so obsessed with this girl (who, if she’s so “basic,” what does it say about you that he left you for her?), when you ought to be feeling like you dodged a bullet getting dumped by this loser. He is awful. She sounds awful too, if she’s sending you screenshots the day after you broke up. Your involvement with these people is awful. I don’t care if he was nice when he was dating you. Hitler probably had friends who thought he was a pretty chill guy. Walk away and never look back, goddammit.

Fat Kisses,

Head Pro

Got a deranged question only The Head Pro can understand? Email him at [email protected] and he may grace you with a response. 




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