February 21, 2014
You’re sitting at work or in class, bored out of your mind. Your boss says “I want these reports on my desk by the end of the day,” your professor says, “this will be on the midterm,” but it’s like, whatever. No one’s liked your selfie in the past 15 minutes, the FBTW isn’t due for another baby yet, your Twitter feed is lamer than a bar at 11:00pm, and you think, “I think my dealer goes on Reddit, what the hell, might as well check it out.”
BIG FUCKING MISTAKE.
I went on Reddit for the first time yesterday and it was like I had just stepped into The Twilight Zone, or like, Sears. Someone literally needs to sit me down and walk me through a tutorial because I am having a harder time grasping it than I did multivariable calculus.
It looks like Buzzfeed had a baby with fetal alcohol syndrome. First of all, what is with that squiggly doodle at the top of the page? Is the mascot a baby? An alien? A baby alien? That sort of makes sense since it looks like a baby designed this site. And trying to figure out what the hell was going on made me feel like I was on another planet. There’s no sign of intelligent life anywhere…Houston, we have a problem!
Then there’s the organization, or lack thereof. The front page looks like it was planned out by someone on Hoarders, and I don’t mean the specialists who come in and help you throw out your mountains of fanny packs and bird carcasses.
Where else could I find a video of the Ukrainian police shooting sniper rifles at people, a gif of a happy turtle, and something that says, “After seeing the bachelor frog guy who used his old face razor as his new pube razor, I realized I was truly a bachelor,” all right next to each other? It sounds like the beginning to a bad joke. A trigger-happy Ukrainian, a cheerful turtle, and a guy with a limited razor budget and even more limited hygiene standards walk into a bar…
And if you want to focus your procrastination on something more specific than the internet’s word vomit, you have to look by category in these things called subreddits. So what you’re saying is I have to put a ton of work into avoiding doing work? Am I the only one who realizes this makes no fucking sense?
And I’m supposed to make a login for this shit with my email address and everything? Why don’t I just give my social security and bank routing numbers to that Nigerian prince who keeps emailing me, because his emails look about as legit as this site.
What’s even the appeal? So I can click on, like, “What global and local effects would an eruption at Yellowstone cause” and read all 587 comments? No thanks. If I wanted to read a bunch of illiterate people correcting each other’s grammar, I’d go on Thought Catalog.
**Update** My dealer just told me that apparently the whole point is to vote up/down people’s comments…what the hell is this, a middle school Homecoming Court campaign? Oh, I get it now: this is where TTH’s go to die. I’m not even voting in my local election, so I’m definitely not voting on the fact that you think Rihanna’s best hairstyle was the asymmetrical bob circa 2007. There are soooo many better places to give a fuck.