March 3, 2014
This Betch Faux Pas is probably one of the most common and most acceptable. While some people might tell you to ward off one night stands by keeping a change of clothes in your purse, betches know that that kind of responsible pre-planning is for nice girls and duds who probably never go home with anybody anyway. Besides, who wants to bring a big ass bag with them to go out partying? Is there anything more annoying than have to find a place to hide your shit so some povo doesn't come out of the woodwork and steal it?
That being said, there are ways for betches to live life to the fullest and manage the shame when the inevitable occurs.
Most of the time, an outfit that looks fierce as fuck for a night of clubbing, does not look so good in the light of day, especially when that outfit is paired with one broken heel and a face full of last night's eyeliner. Rather than treating the world to this new look, it's time to turn to the bro who boned you for help. If he's on the fence about lending you his shit, remind him that you are a betch and last night you gave him the greatest gift a betch can give a bro (her vag or at least an intensive kiss and cuddle) so he can definitely cough up some shorts and a fucking hoodie.
It goes without saying that if the dude is a dick about lending you some acceptable clothes to walk home in, then he is shady as fuck and you shouldn't waste any time trying to get his shit back to him in the future or see him again. I'm pretty sure it's a scientific fact that 90% of a betch's pjs are actually just the relics of past one night stands, so don't hesitate to add to your collection.
There is a fine line between a "walk of shame" and "looking like shit in public." The former is an embarrassing but acceptable part of the betch lifestyle, while the latter is an automatic revocation of your betch status. While there may be many enticing things that you see on your walk from this bro's place to yours, do not be tempted. It only takes one frenemy to spot you in Chopt wearing some bro's old football jersey as a dress and holding your heels in your hands before everybody in in Greek life has heard a rumor that you're like, "homeless or something" now.
The most dangerous of these obstacles is the stop and chat. While the stop and chat is usually an integral part of a betch's everyday life, do not fall into its trap. It's one thing to have a casual convo with the hot guy from your English class when you're mentally present and looking great. It's another to have a delirious, half hungover conversation with a bro you've been texting without noticing that you still reek of vodka and have some sticky shit in your hair that you'd care not to investigate. No one wants to date the girl who spends her Saturdays sporting a look that screams "I suck dick for coke".
It goes without saying that the best walk of shame is a walk of shame that nobody notices. If you get home and can pretend that nothing ever happened then congratulations betch, you did it right. If you come home to a million Snapchats of you stumbling down the Quad looking like Cady Heron on Halloween, you fucked up. In order to pull off a successful walk of shame, you need three things: big sunglasses (which you should have on you at all times anyway), headphones, and the ability to walk really, really fast. Keep your head down, put on some power walking tunes, and avoid the areas where lots of people congregate. Much like a tree falling in the woods, if a betch walks home at 7 am looking like a whore and no one sees it, it never really happened.
For school aged betches, walks of shame are just another part of the college experience. Like, I'm pretty sure the damages are covered in your tuition. After college, though, the walk of shame goes from being an annoying part of living an exciting life to a sign that you need to grow the fuck up. First of all, in real adult life the walk of shame isn't just a matter of creeping down the hall to your dorm room or cutting across the green to your end of campus. Adult walks of shame require actual time, energy, and some serious public face time. If you're a grown woman and find yourself in some strange pros bed without a proper change of clothes, do yourself a favor and use your grown woman money to call yourself a cab and book yourself a therapist appointment. If you do make the occasional bad decisions as a post-grad, make sure the guy comes to you. When you're not in school anymore, leaving some guy's apartment at the crack of dawn is considered a real job. See Eliot Spitzer or Hugh Grant for a recommendation.
On that note, remember betches, we live in a Post-Uber society which means we are all just one app away from never having to walk of shame again.