June 13, 2014
As a sexually active betch of the 21st century, it is likely that you're going to have a couple of hookups that don't quite meet your standards which, in all fairness, are high AF. That being said, there is usually at least one bro in your lifetime who will perform so poorly that he's going to leave you with questions like, "How could someone so hot be so bad?" and "Did that even count as sex?" You might find yourself the morning after (if you didn't immediately run out of his apartment) waking up next to his sweaty useless body and not know what to do next, aside from making sure that no part of him is touching any part of you. So here's our guide to what to do after a night of steamy, shitty sex.
If you find yourself in a situation where it's too late, or you're too far away to hop off mid-bone and leave the scene of the crime (because bad sex is a crime), then the next best move to stop the madness is to pretend to be asleep. You can do this basically at any point so don't feel the need for him to finish (after all, you're not going to) before you say "I'm just like, soooo sleepy" and claim your side of the bed, turn over, and tell him that cuddling gives you anxiety. If he continues to try to fuck you while you're pretending to be asleep, wake up, punch him in the nuts, steal the money out of his wallet and call a cab because fuck that.
This is difficult because we all know that faking an orgasm is the easiest way to get a dude to finally cease his pathetic, methodical humping, but you're going to have to just stay strong. When you fake an orgasm you're giving this bro the satisfaction of thinking he's satisfied you, when really all he did was remind you about how you could have totally killed it as a theater major if all those people weren't so fucking weird. It might be awk for him to have to realize that he's never gonna see your O face, but the past ten minutes have been pretty awk for you so he can nut up and handle it.
Get out of there as quickly as possible. If you can leave immediately and shower the pain away in the comfort of your own apartment, do it. You're not doing yourself any favors by sticking around to be nice. Sticking around in the morning because he hasn't woken up yet is just sending you down the road of him trying to fuck you again in the morning, or worse, he might take the morning as an opportunity to try again by going down on you, and there is literally no way that a dude who is shitty at sex has unlocked the mystery of cunnilingus. It's scientifically impossible. And don't try to bullshit yourself into thinking you need him to drive you home. We live in the age of Uber, and escaping your shitty hookups apartment is only a few swipes away.
Even if you know you didn't really give this bro your A-game, don't beat yourself up about it. The bottom line here is that men have a huge advantage over us when it comes to sex, in that they can mostly come just from fucking if they fuck for long enough. That's not to say that you don't have a role to play. If you look back and all you were doing was laying there wishing you could text you probably contributed to the lack of chemistry, but honestly, it's kind of hard to show a guy what you're really made of when he's pounding away at you with no concern and making a bunch of weird faces and grunting noises. Making a girl climax is a difficult thing, but its not impossible. It requires either a bro who knows what he's doing himself or a bro who knows he's bad in bed but has enough good sense to let the betch he's fucking hop on top and do that shit herself. If this dude was so inadequate that he couldn't manage either of these things, then that's his problem. Unless you did something crazy like asking him to call you "mommy" or telling him you "love him." In that case, the weirdness was totally your bad.