May 19, 2015
Tireless in her quest to become the most famous person that no one gives a fuck about, Jennifer Lopez officially announced last week that she’s doing a Las Vegas residency. The show, which at the moment is imaginatively titled “Jennifer Lopez," starts in January of next year at Planet Hollywood, so maybe she and Britney Spears will be sharing a dressing room or something fun like that.
If we know anything about Jennifer Lopez, it’s safe to assume she won’t be acting her age. Basically, it’ll be surprising if she wears anything other than a leotard or a dress where you can see her entire legs and at least half of her ass. I’m not trying to discriminate based on age or anything, but JLo is pretty consistent with the lack of clothes she wears when making a public appearance.
Her show is also sure to feature lots of high-energy dancing, preferably with her boy-toy/serious boyfriend Casper Smart. JLo is like ten years older than Britney Spears, but somehow she missed the point in her career where she forgot how to dance. Jenny still has moves, and she has lots of shitty lyrics to cover up with some fancy choreography.
You can also probably expect to hear about twelve JLo songs that you completely forgot existed. She’s literally always on the radio, but basically every song from the last five years sounds like a remixed version of On The Floor. They also all feature Pitbull (at least most of them), so it’ll be pretty underwhelming when he’s not there wearing his sunglasses inside.
I’m sure Jenny From The Block will put on a fun show, but it’s probably not worth buying a ticket to Vegas unless you’re going to make a long weekend out of it and do some fucked up shit with your betches. If you’re really in for a fun time, see Britney, JLo, and Mariah Carey three nights in a row for the true Betch trifecta.