September 30, 2016
Have you ever wondered what alcoholic beverage is the truest representation of your innermost self? Same, which is why we took the liberty of deciding for you. When you black out tonight take comfort in knowing that, at the very least, you’re on brand.
Author’s Note: This article refuses to recognize the supposed “new” zodiac alignments making the rounds on the internet. NASA can pry Aquarius from my cold dead hands.
Aries is the frat bro of the zodiac. Adventurous, fun-loving and just a little bit outrageous, partying with them is a great time until it suddenly isn’t. That moment usually comes somewhere between the fourth round of jäger bombs and watching in absent horror as Aries rips off their shirt and challenges everyone in the bar to a fight. Neither seem to understand the concept of moderation, which makes every night out with them an all-or-nothing scenario. Moderation may be key, but it’s the key you lost in the alley outside while you were puking up that Red Bull licorice flavored goodness.