What Your 8th Grade Cell Phone Says About You

By Betch Waldorf

You may be a betch now, but everyone knows that the early 2000’s were fucking rough. Like, remember those stretchy sparkly belts everyone wore? I mean honestly, so tragic.

Anyways, you weren’t shit unless you had a cellphone back in those middle school/early high school days and like, you were even less of a shit if your cellphone was straight-up wack (#tbt to Boost Mobile). If you didn’t have a cellphone back then, you can go shave your back now, you povo betch, this page doesn’t concern you. 

Because I am the Draco Malfoy of betches aka a pureblood, you illiterate fucks, I have decided to give you the definite ranking of your old phone, ranked by betchiness. Because I’m like, such a good friend.

The Sidekick

If you owned a sidekick you were either Paris Hilton or a fucking thot. And since you were probs not Paris, that just leaves the thot. The truth hurts. Girls who had sidekicks just fucking threw that stupid screen around all day, AIM-ing boys to see who was tryna get a BJ under the bleachers. You bet your sweet ass that sidekick was bejeweled AF and probs had a cell phone charm with like, a Playboy bunny logo or a pair of cherries on it. Girls who owned sidekicks had boobs when they were like 7 and wore dangly belly button rings. These girls were not to be fucked with. Like, have you seen how fucking violently she types with acrylic nails on that full keyboard? Who knows what she’s capable of.

Betchiness Ranking: 7/10, because everyone is a thot at some point. Just for most people it’s after your 12th birthday.


pink razr

How do you remind everyone that you’re hotter/more popular than them? Own a fucking RAZR circa 2006. It’s the unspoken symbol of “don’t talk to me, peasant.” If your RAZR was pink, I mean fucking build you a throne amiright because you’re a goddam queen. You could slip that shit anywhere. Having a RAZR was like being a fucking spy. Do I have a cellphone or do I not have a cellphone? Who could say? You can’t see the bulge in my pocket. Only con was you probs went through like 40 of these because if they even touched the ground once those fuckers snapped in half. Seriously, I’ve seen pretzel sticks with more durability.

Betchiness Ranking: 9/10, I can’t help it that I’m so popular.


If you had the KRZR—yeah, we all thought it was spelled CRAZR, but turns out we were all wrong—you’re doin’ too much. It’s like you’re not cool enough to own the RAZR but like, too cool to own anything besides a thin phone. Idk, it’s a lose-lose for you. The KRZR was what the try-hards owned. You know that asshole that kept asking questions and kept the class late in college? Probs owned a KRZR. The KRZR also doubled as a secret phone that a married man keeps from his wife so he can call his mistress. If you had a KRZR you’re probs shady and idk if I trust you. Stop trying to be a fucking trendsetter and get a fucking pink sparkly phone like the rest of us. Robert, you’re 17. Stop trying to be a fucking dinosaur and get a job.

Betchiness Ranking: 4/10, nice KRZR Janice, what’s it made of?

The BlackBerry


“BBM Me” is code for “my parents make more money than you”. Your parents probs don’t have Motorola, so no RAZR for you, but you’re not a fucking bop, so def not trying to get a Sidekick. T-Mobile is for the middle class. The Blackberry betch def calls her Dad “Daddy” and probs got a fucking car for her Bat Mitzvah. This girl only shopped at Abercrombie and Hollister and if you weren’t on the cheer team you need to like, stop breathing her air now. K thanks.

Betchiness Ranking: 8/10, the phone was also owned by like, men in business meetings so it def cramped your style for a bit.

Any Form of Nextel Phones


YOU: “Thanks, it’s my mom’s phone from the 80’s.”
ME: “Omg vintage!”
ALSO ME: “That is the ugliest effing phone I have ever seen.”

A real conversation about your Nextel phone. Unless you're a construction worker, owning a Nextel phone is social suicide. I owned a RAZR but my Dad gave me a Nextel phone to protect myself with because it’s a fucking weapon. Those things were like baby bricks just chilling in the back of your pocket. “But you can walkie-talkie!” they said. “It’s so cool!” they said. Guess what, they fucking lied. Most people who had a Nextel were either borrowing it from their parents or their parents hated them and gave it to them.

Betchiness Ranking: 2/10, I honestly can’t with you rn 




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