March 4, 2015
There’s nothing a betch hates more than having the inevitable minute to hour-long quarter life crisis every once in awhile. One minute she’s holding her own hair back having a post-bar vomit while simultaneously snapchating, and the next she’s sitting on the bathroom floor thinking to herself, “Who am I, really?”
Luckily for betches, Google has an answer for that, too. Whether it be the sneaky autocorrect when you’re typing into you browser, the recent searches that remind you of your sins “Is it ok to take Adderall and Vicodin and smoke weed at the same time?” or the fucking ads that pop up on your newsfeed the second you look at that bag at Nordstrom’s for the 15,000th time, its easy to get the sense that Google knows more about you than you know about yourself.
And it does. According to Google Trends, Google even knows what each state thinks about the most, which makes sense since it’s Google. NY and CA look like they’re highly betch-o-populated, with “hangover remedy,” “Alcoholics Anonymous,” and “Kim Kardashian” making the cut as most searched phrases in 2014 within their holy borders. No one was surprised.
Likely a betch is going to be more interested in herself though. When you look at your own history, and find out that most of your searches revolve around anxiety, like, “symptoms of early pregnancy,” “do I have ebola” or, more importantly “do I have herpes?” do yourself a favor and also google, “how to get a Xanax prescription.” More likely though, a betch is going to have a diverse array of searches showing that she’s like, really well rounded, including, “can you die from a hangover?” “is AirAsia that sketchy” and “24 hour phone charger store.”
So, if you get so bored that you start questioning yourself harder than you did at your liberal arts college, delve into your own search history and take a little look into your deep psyche. If you find out that you’re a bigger freak than Janis Ian, go ahead and delete your history.