April 15, 2015
Whenever a betch adds the buzzkill of a relationship to the mix, the boyfriend better at least be a shoe-in for the bestie group. Like, how inconsiderate would it be to date someone who is not willing to take fake candid photos of you guys before you go out or deal with someone who is always around but uncomfortable chiming in on whether of not Mimi should lose her anal virginity? I mean I would go ahead and hold onto it. Then you can be honest when you wear white to your wedding…you know?
By becoming accepted into the pack, it also means that you’re not the only one invested in the relationship—from third-wheeling (your BF not your bestie), to cock-blocking (for you bestie not your BF) and shopping advice (…wait…is your BF gay?!?!), it isn’t just you who is in a relationship. You’re hopefully just the only one hooking up with him.
So, when you get bored and it’s time to end things, it’s a break-up that affects everyone. It’s kind of like a divorce with kids except more about who gets to keep the handle instead of the house.
It’s always obvious when the break-up is going to be hard for the entire bestie group before the actual break-up even happens. Sign number one is when you try to talk shit about your boyfriend with your besties but they’re like weirdly not into it. “Ryan is annoying you? Omg stop you’re probably just annoying him!” “Ryan and you haven’t had sex for a month? Honestly that’s even more of a sign that you should get married—it’s so realistic you know!!” “Ryan cheated on you? I mean how do you know? Like, come on, if I didn’t intervene in Miami that one time you totally would have…”
When you finally realize you’re only staying in the relationship for selfless reasons and you cut the cord, sign numero dos that your friends aren’t over your ex emerges after week three and you’re moving through the ex-boyfriend life cycle rapidly but they can’t quit fucking talking about him. Honest question: is it awk if we invite all his roommates over to pregame still? When you catch them stalking old pictures of you guys on Facebook together, you know they have a serious problem.
Ultimately, your besties will most likely pretend to adjust to the breakup just in time for your drunk alter-ego to decide to check in on him at 3 a.m. So you blacking out and hooking up with Ryan means you guys are getting back together, right? Right?! Right?!?!