Where Have All The Good Bros Gone? PROpinion Piece

By The Betches

I got this email the other day. It’s just a normal Ask a Pro question, though a little too long (ladies, seriously: the magic number is around 200 words). My response isn’t going to be short either, so I decided to use it here (also, I haven’t written one of these in forever).

Dear Head Pro,

I'm writing to you, not to talk to you about some guy that's just not that into me, but to seek an answer as to the current state of affairs as a whole. You must have picked up on this trend by now- girls asking if they can hook up with guys who don't treat them well/just want to fuck/ have a girlfriend, etc. And you and the Betches are right: girls should not be hooking up with guys who treat them like complete shit.

My argument is that girls know this already. Do you not think that they prefer to get with guys who treat them well? I don't think that the girls are the problem at this point. I've seen this time and time again both in my case and in my (hot) friends' cases. It literally does not seem like there are any guys out there who actually want to date girls. We aren't even talking about an immediate commitment or exclusive situation. I'm talking about guys not even willing to take a girl out for a drink. Guys seem to just want to hook up and literally nothing else, ever. Sure, there are some guys who want to take a girl out for a proper meal and who know how to treat a woman, but based on my assessment of my own dating history and that of my friends, those men are in the overwhelmingly vast minority- I'd say 4% of guys I've interacted with, tops. Believe me, I've tried following the rules of who to not hook up with based on how they treat me and the overall He's Just Not That Into You theory, and it's been several months since I hooked up with anyone, and will probably be another several until I do.

Surely not all girls are delusional, stupid, and have zero self-respect, although your reactions to their questions make it seem that way. I'm going to turn it on its head and say that the men that meet the requirements are seemingly nonexistent. Is this a slut-induced problem, causing guys to not be down to buy the cow if they're getting the milk for free? If so, what can non-sluts do in the situation? I'm going to rule out trying to change any guy, as that's just not practical. All we can do is not interact with them, but again, that seems to leave no one. Are they all just together hiding somewhere? If you could propose a solution, or even an explanation, for the current sad situation, I'd appreciate it.


Dazed and confused

Sigh. Can someone explain to me why “Dazed and confused” is the go-to pseudonym for lazy betches? Is there a rule book somewhere on the internet for writing to me that I’m not aware of? Anyway, here’s my reaction anytime someone says “why do ALL guys/girls want xxxx?” When you’re projecting an issue onto an entire gender, or at least a selection of a gender that excludes a statistically insignificant portion, you sound like the people who wear tinfoil hats to keep Obama from reading their thoughts. “I’m not crazy; everyone else is!” That’s seriously how you come off. If you or your friends have NEVER met a guy who wanted to engage in something approaching a proper courtship, can it really be the fault of every single man you’ve ever encountered? Could it be that just maybe you yourselves should shoulder at least part of the blame for being un-courtable? That’s the problem with our generation - it’s NEVER our fault. Next time you see your parents, instead of hugging them, kick them squarely in the dicks and ovaries for turning you into an insecure, over-entitled shitbag. I know I do. They thank me for it and tell me how unique and special I am for delivering such a sterilizing roundhouse.

Knowing that, I’d be stupid if I tried to flat-out deny the phenomenon she’s observing: Dudes just wanna get laid, and girls seem to be making that easier and easier. The thing is, dating a woman has never been about treating her right and making her feel special. It’s about proving your worth to her so she’ll select you as an exclusive partner, a husband, or yes, someone she lets into her glory cave. Girls sometimes get overcome with this feeling of “oh gosh, he picked ME,” but remember, you’re always the one doing the picking. You decide whether or not to accept the invitation for the date. You decide whether or not to reciprocate when we go in for a kiss. Unless you’re dating Rapey McSodomizer, you decide if and when we bump uglies. You decide whether or not to accept a proposal of marriage. Each and every one of those scenarios is a nerve-wracking chore for guys.

Feminism has been a pretty swell thing for ladies, and guys too, really. Namely, it’s helped promote the notion that if women want to have sex, that’s a natural desire and they’re just as entitled to that opportunity as anyone else. It takes the contractual obligation aspect out of sex, which is a nice thing until it’s not. Young women may be taught that it’s fine to just get on with it and enjoy sex as they see fit, but boys are still raised to believe that there’s pursuit and trickery involved, that getting anywhere with a woman requires figuring out some secret combination. When a guy raised on these traditional notions encounters a sexually liberated woman, it’s like someone gave you five out of the six winning powerball numbers. If you had that, would you turn around and select random numbers anyway? Of course not.

That’s why the whole “buying the cow” analogy doesn’t really hold up anymore. We can agree that we want the milk as badly as you want to dispense it (this is getting gross). It’s just that, after offering a bunch of free samples, you all of a sudden want exclusive milk distribution rights. This business model works well with drugs, but not so much with vaginas. Sex, due to society and to some degree biology, is still seen as something intimate and special, whether you want it to be or not. Some girls may be able to ignore or deny this, and for some it just may not be the case. Still, when you see guys flocking to loose women in lieu of your higher-priced product, don’t blame the customer. Blame the crack dealer on the corner undercutting you by handing out samples for free. People have always wanted that, there’s just a greater supply now. That’s sexual capitalism for you. The more you think about it, the more you wonder about those old-timey dating customs. Maybe, instead of a means of repressing female sexuality by the patriarchy, they were as much a monopolistic collective bargaining agreement by all women to help keep one another from getting fucked (metaphorically). SEXUAL COLLUSION.

As far as the 4% of the men you’ve met being willing to date you, that sounds about right, if not a little high. The fact is, very few of the people you come across in life will be anyone you’d even remotely consider dating. Consider that the same is true for the men on the other end of that equation, and you’re left with a staggeringly small percentage of the population as realistic dating prospects. That’s just how people are. Back in Ye Olden Times (like, 30-40 years ago), I don’t think every man on campus was wifed up solely for the purpose of getting laid. The odds of being in a relationship then probably weren’t much different than they are now, it’s just that nowadays you’re freer to explore other people’s sex parts in between relationships.

Even with all that free ‘tang out there, if a guy wants to date you (and you him), it’ll happen. Today’s hookup culture just skews your perspective as to how frequently dating happens. There have always been fuckheads out there looking for ass and nothing else, it’s just easier now. They weren’t any more likely to date you 50 years ago than they are now.

So don’t blame it on the guys, but don’t blame it on the girls looking to get theirs, either. If you want to be dated, be someone that people might want to date, expect the same of them, and take what comes your way. Just stay out of tinfoil hat territory.

Got a question that only someone with Head Pro's extreme intelligence and ability to get laid can answer? Email him at [email protected] and if your question is ridiculous enough he just may answer.




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