March 17, 2014
So it's been like a lot of days since the Malaysian plane went missing and it's proving harder to find than Carmen fucking San Diego. In light of the fact that it's all anyone's talking about despite having no actual information, we decided to do some actual research and recap the situation via Q & A. Since the beginning of this saga, the story has changed a lot: from stolen passports to mechanical failure to lithium batteries to a meteor hitting the plane, but now the focus is on the pilot. There's been a lot of talk of transponders and fancy shit, so we're going to try to make it easier for you.
Where the fuck is the plane?
No clue. Probs somewhere in or around the Indian Ocean.
Who was on the plane?
There were 239 passengers plus the crew and basically half of them were Chinese. As a result the Chinese government is going ape shit and rumored to be searching for a male model to kill the prime minister of Malaysia.
My friend told me that some of the passengers' phones were ringing. How is this possible?
Everyone thought this meant that they must be alive on an island somewhere. But no, the phones were just ringing because phones still ring sometimes even if they're turned off.
What happened to the two people with the stolen passports?
So they were pretty sketchy for a few days but now everyone is kind of over them because they were found to be legit and probably just immigrating illegally. NBD. Now that they've been cleared we're sure the airlines will go back to the normal behavior of not bothering to check whether passengers are using stolen passports when they board.
Sup with the pilots?
The captain (aka the main pilot) had a flight simulator in his house and was known as a very "experienced" flyer. He was also known to be very politically active (ugh) and a strong supporter of the opposition party in Malaysia, as well as gay rights (yay). Zero Hedge suggests that this whole plane thing may be a form of "political revenge" because his favorite political figure was arrested and thrown in jail for being gay. Because this is totally a logical stand for human rights.
In other sketchy news about the captain, his wife and children moved out of his house the day before the flight.
Was the plane hijacked?
Possibly. It's pretty obvious that whoever was flying the plane (either the pilot or a very well-trained hijacker) knew how to use the technology, as well as how to fly under the radar for five hours, and in normal commercial flight paths undetected. This could also be due to the fact that the boughie countries in the area don't give a shit to check who flies into their airspace.
Is this a terrorist thing?
Maybe. But no terrorist groups have claimed responsibility and there hasn't been any 'chatter' among the terrorists either that this was a plot. So maybe nah.
Could the terrorists have stolen the plane and are hiding it somewhere to use in a later plot?
That's what my conspiracy theorist friend told me.
Did aliens take the plane?
Unfortunately not everything in life follows the plot of an ABC show.
Could the plane be chilling on an island and the passengers were pretty much magically okay minus falling down a hatch into another time dimension?
WTF is a transponder?
Every time I hear the word transponder I automatically think of the continuum transfunctioner. It's basically a little switch in the cockpit of the plane that communicates to the ground where the plane is. Apparently this was turned off 14 minutes before the plane's last communication to the ground using another intense plane tool called ACARS (which CNN won't STFU about).
The pilot's last communication was "All right, good night" which is apparently really informal for a pilot. They usually use cooler slang than that, namely "Roger and out." Saying "all right good night" is basically the equivalent of saying 'peace out motherfuckers' to ground control. Also the fact that the transponder was turned off and then the pilots communicated after that suggests that there was no sudden mechanical failure or explosion.
What path did the flight take? And how big is the search area?
Why can't someone find the black boxes?
Why are people incompetent?
When is the movie coming out?
I'm sure someone already finished three-quarters of an exploitative script starring Tom Hanks (naturally) and they're just waiting for this shit to be over so they can write the ending and receive their check.
So betches, definitely do send this article to that friend who continually texts you for updates on the plane. And definitely do leave your ridiculous conspiracy theories in the comments.