July 16, 2014
Dear White People With Dreads,
I see you all the time at music festivals and on the quad every Friday in a drum circle. I want to run up to you and ask you if you’re aware that your nose ring doesn’t really suit you, but I’m afraid of being attacked by hostile odors since you look like the type of people who considers the shower your mortal enemy.
I have so many problems with this lifestyle choice, because let’s be real, once you make the concerted effort to turn your hair into an actual rat’s nest, it stops becoming just a hairstyle at that point.
First of all, I can’t not address the issue of cultural appropriation. If Macklemore and Miley are coming under fire for appropriating black culture then you’re not exempt either, white people with dreads. Your hair is probably straight and fine (in texture), and it’s time to accept that. Listen up, fellow Whiteys: we can literally do everything else in the world without any semblance of an issue, not having this one thing to claim as your own is not going to kill you, seriously. So stop trying to make dreadlocks happen.
Appropriation aside, let’s talk about how when you have to spend weeks knotting and twisting and not washing your hair in order to get one dreadlock, it literally defeats the purpose. Do you think Lil Wayne put that much effort into his dreads? No, I asked him.
Finally, let’s just keep it 100 and acknowledge the fact that not one white person’s physical appearance has been enhanced by the addition of dreads. It’s like the Skrillex cut, if the Skrillex cut actually looked good on certain, non-white people. I’d continue my rant but as I was writing this a white guy with dreads came up in my newsfeed, so if anybody needs me I’ll be listening to Believe Me and contemplating my will to live.