I fucking hate 2016 if for no other reason than the fact that bullshit food fads keep cropping up and everyone jumps on the “let’s become obsessed with this and accept nothing short of rabid enthusiasm” bandwagon. First, we had the rainbow food trend that we’re in fact still dealing with, because some people (hipsters) apparently just discovered the invention of food dye. We’ve also dealt with the horror that are ramen burgers, ramen burritos, sushi cake—you fucking name it. Basically, if it shouldn’t go together, you know millennials have decided to put it together and declare it “the best thing to happen to your tastebuds.”
So I am extra angry to read about the latest food monstrosity to hit the streets: Oreo bagels. That’s right. Someone took your favorite hungover breakfast food and adulterated it with arguably the worst prepackaged cookie on the market. I ain't sorry, Oreos are terrible, and anyone who agrees with that scientific study from like, three years ago that Oreos are just as addictive as cocaine has clearly never tried cocaine.
But yeah, anyway. This garbage, according to Bustle, “features a vanilla-chocolate swirled bagel, cookies and cream-flavored cream cheese, and intact Oreos in the middle.”
This is what it looks like. Admittedly it Instagrams well, but that's the only nice thing I'll say about the Oreo bagel.
I’m just going to come right out and say it: fuck this. Number one, this sounds disgusting. Never in my life have I bitten into a bagel and been like, “yeah, this bagel is cool and all, but you know what it’s missing? Shitty, artificial chocolate flavoring.” NO. Where I come from (New York, look it up, we basically invented the bagel), bagels are supposed to be savory—I was always one of those people who even felt like strawberry cream cheese was kind of pushing it, but like, I was willing to let it slide. But this? This shit is hardly a bagel. This is basically a donut at this point. Which is fine, I like donuts, but let’s call a spade a fucking spade. I will not let you soil the good bagel name with this impostor!
Who created this insult to true bagels everywhere? Which hipster am I gonna have to hunt down in Williamsburg to make them regret the day they put anything other than egg, cheese, cream cheese, lox, or butter on a sacred bagel?
…Oh. Turns out it’s from Bagel Nook in New Jersey. Makes sense.