December 6, 2012
As you already know, betches and food go together about as well as Christina Aguilera and a shower. From our early tweens we had to train ourselves to be completely uninterested in its existence, so as to never develop such atrocious habits as stress binges or lunch. However, betches are still human (though this is often overlooked because we are so much better than humans), and we do need some nutrients to keep us from you know, dying. But while the povos of the world stampede each other for bulk bargains at Costco, betches buy their groceries at one place: Whole Foods.
Betches love Whole Foods for the obvious reason that it is so fucking elitist. I mean, if you have any qualms about spending 6 dollars on a persimmon then you might as well pay with food stamps. Every soy/flax/kale/bullshit item you buy will be without question absurdly overpriced, and naturally (like all the shit they sell at Whole Foods), we love that.
Of course the other reason we love Whole Foods is the whole organic thing. Now obviously, we don’t actually give a fuck about this. If we were seriously concerned about toxins entering our bodies we wouldn’t chase our Diet Coke with Adderall and we wouldn’t chase our Adderall with vodka. However, the fact that our bag of grapes is certified organic gives us the right to be certified superior. For example, if your roommate comes home with some fucking bodega tomatoes, you now have permission to give her a look of condescension and say “ew, keep your boughie produce away from my side of the fridge, bitch” then walk away.
Whole Foods is also the best source for our trendy beverage needs. With every imaginable flavor of Kombucha and five different sizes of Coconut Water, you never have to worry about going anywhere without your full liquid plethora. I mean can you imagine showing up to class with only a Smart Water and a #54 iced coffee? I’m parched just thinking about it.
So betches, if you were going to head over to your local grocer this afternoon, think the fuck again and go to Whole Foods. If you really want to go all out, put on your expensive workout clothes and carry a yoga mat on your back while you stroll the aisles. Trust us, you won’t be the only one doing so. For betches, unlike those organic fucking chickens, it’s what’s on the outside that counts.