January 29, 2015
Nothing makes the sting of your best friend venturing into matrimony worse than the added blow of being asked to be a bridesmaid. Don’t get me wrong, I’m like, so honored, but already having to deal with the fact that my bestie is now officially monogamous and headed toward the land of aprons and casseroles is tough enough. Now I’m expected to parade around bridal shops, buy a ridiculously hideous yet over-priced dress, attend showers with a two-drink limit and spent a shit ton of money I don’t have all while well-wishing her and putting up with her bridezilla bullshit. Um, no thanks. 27 Dresses and even Bridesmaids may have given you a false sense of what it means to be a bridesmaid, but I’m here to fill you in on why this “honor” is a more of a pain in the ass and how to deal with the shitty aspects.
Whether you’ve experienced it yourself or have never had the joy of being in someone’s bridal party, you soon come to realize that “bridesmaid” is a fancy word for doing slave labor. There is no other point in your life (unless someone is like, dying or something) when you will be expected to do so much for one person without pay. Your duties may not kick in until a few weeks before the wedding, but once they start, there is no end to them. Pick up champagne, get fitted for a dress, buy bachelorette crown, hide the vibrator, decorate for the bridal shower, put on pants, etc. It’s fucking exhausting.
Tips: Only accept duties that also benefit you. For example, take charge of planning the bachelorette party so you decide what activities you do, where you eat, etc. Offer to pick up champagne if you need to stock up on it yourself. Suggest a venue for the bridal shower because you know the bartender who will sneak you shots. You’ll seem super supportive while still keeping yourself from being inconvenienced.
Being a bridesmaid comes with a heavy price. Who would have thought I would have spent the better part of my dad’s checkbook life savings on someone else’s wedding? It’s absolutely ridiculous and there isn’t any way around it. You HAVE to buy the dress, you HAVE to go to the bachelorette party, you (don’t) HAVE to buy her some bullshit wedding present. It’s pretty easy to rack up $1,000 before the wedding.
Hopefully you don’t have some asshole bride who, after making you fork over your hard-earned cash (which would have been reserved for much more important things i.e. weed and/or brunch), tells you that you can pay to have your make-up and hair done the next day. Are you fucking kidding me? I give you my money (and more importantly my time that could be spent on watching Netflix in bed) and you’re asking me to PAY to get my make-up done? Of course you’re given the option to do it yourself, but that would be like present-day Miley Cyrus standing at the altar in the midst of Kardashians. I feel like the least a bride can do is pay for these things in exchange for all the bridesmaids-turned-indentured-servants do for her. And shellac that shit while you’re at it, bitch.
Tips: Be thrifty and cut corners where you can. For example, if your dress doesn’t fit perfectly, you don’t HAVE to get it altered. So what if it’s a foot longer than anyone else’s or you nips aren’t exactly covered? You’re there, you’re sober (maybe) and you’re in the dress…what more could she want?
It is only a matter of time before the bride-to-be goes bat shit. All this psychotic behavior is probably stemming from the thought that she will only be dealing with one penis for the rest of her life and the only thing she can look forward to in the next 50 years is the pain of childbirth and routine sexual encounters with CNN playing in the background. You can’t blame her for losing it with that kind of future ahead of her. But still, there isn’t any reason for her to be setting fire to your belongings or pulling out your extensions all while accusing you of “ruining her big day.”
Tips: This one is tough. Normally, avoiding her completely would lessen your chances of a crazy encounter, but then she might accuse you of being “uninvolved” or “disinterested” which can lead to a whole other issue. My advice? Alcohol.
So, when your bestie blindsides you with a bottle of wine or some other cutesy, bullshit trinket asking you to be her bridesmaid, keep these things in mind. I mean, there are some benefits: an open bar at the wedding (if she’s not a cheap asshole), a set of groomsmen that get more attractive with each drink, and the possibility of a perfect new profile pic. And who knows, you might even catch the fucking bouquet.