October 1, 2013
Hey Head Pro,
So back in August I went on a few dates with this guy who is a friend of a friend. While I had fun hanging out, I really wasn't feeling it romantically (or like I wanted to touch his boner), so I began to blow him off. I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks so I figured he had backed off.
Then he hit me up on Facebook chat on Saturday to go out with him and some friends to a club. Well, it's a good thing I checked his Facebook page after I got the message, because he posted a status a couple hours earlier about his buddy's bachelor party that evening--the same event he invited me to. It also turns out he had been on vacation for those 2 weeks and this was his first night back. Is this just a case of him being overly eager to get back in touch? Or was he hoping things were going to get drunk and wild enough that he could finally get lucky with me? I don't really give a shit, but inviting a girl to a bachelor party is a fucking weird thing to do. Right??
Obvi I did not go.
Not hip to strip
Dear Not Hip to Strip (you know you are, though),
FUCK and YES, it’s weird to invite a girl to a bachelor party. There’s a lot of flexibility in terms of what a bachelor party can and cannot be. Some guys might want to do the standard stripper thing, while others might want to do shit like play paintball or whatever, but the point of any bachelor party is this: It’s a bros-only event.
Last year, I traveled for a friend’s bachelor party to a city with which most of us weren’t familiar. Since we were mostly tourists, we relied on the local guys in the roving bro-pack to lead us on our trip to drunken Elysium. Everything was fine until one of the guys calmly suggested we hit up a particular bar. Fine, but guess who just “happened” to be there? His fucking wife and her friends. Normally, going to a bar with a built-in female audience is a fine idea, but this was a bachelor party. The only goal is to make sure the groom has the best time possible as we celebrate his moving on to the next phase in his life. I don’t want a fucking conflict of interest where I have to up-tuck my boner in order to ignore the girls I could be talking to. Guys are jackals. As soon as there are lady parts in the room, it’s everything we can do to keep that from becoming our sole focus.
It’s no secret that I sometimes like to kill an entire Saturday afternoon watching shit like “Four Weddings” while I’m hungover on the couch. As a society we’re WAY too accommodating of people doing stupid shit with their weddings, and it has to stop. A cutesy co-ed and/or joint bachelor-bachelorette party? Get bent. If both events are on the same day and the two parties want to meet up at the end of the night, that’s permissible. A camping-themed wedding? Fuck that, I am not sleeping on the ground for your nuptials. An anything-themed wedding? No. The theme for a wedding is “wedding.” People excuse it by being all “but it’s their special day!!” No, they get that special half-hour or so. The rest of the wedding is for the guests who’ve come out to smile and congratulate you, usually at great expense. I’m not saying everyone has to have a service in a little white church followed by punch in the fellowship hall, but can it with the “self-expression” bullshit.
But anyway, yeah this guy is trying to sneakily use his table service “status” to trick you into fucking him. Which is funny, because a) the party isn’t for him, it’s for the groom and b) I doubt that he was the one shelling out for the bottles, so it’s hardly a display of “status” at all. Maybe he had nothing but good intentions, but never has a guy benevolently invited a girl to the VIP area because “there are a bunch of people there.” Isn’t exclusivity kind of the point of table service, anyway?
Dear Head Pro,
So I was waiting for a crosswalk to change when this bro pulls up in a nice car and tells me I'm "so hot" and begs for my number. Mumbles something about a housewarming party and I'm just like okay fine. A few minutes later he sends me these texts and then I NEVER hear from him again.
What was he trying to achieve with this? He literally stopped traffic to get my number, yet did nothing about it.
Dear Streetwalkin’ Betch,
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you seriously going to try to ask me a question about why this random bro stopped contacting you while glossing over the fact that you gave your phone number out to a stranger on the street? I mean, how long could that light have been? Why couldn’t you just cross to the other side with the flow of traffic while you waited? How desperate for attention are you that all it takes is a nice car and an overt request to get you to cough up the digits. Also, and more importantly, can I get your number? You seem fun.
Anyway, there’s no way either of you are adults, or at least not “real adults,” because that’s some shit that I would have done when I was like 19. Younger guys get a genuine thrill out of being assholes. Presumably, younger girls are the only ones naive enough to appreciate that kind of attention. I remember my friends and I would drive by a girl jogging, and I’d yell out the window “IT WON’T MAKE YOU PRETTIER!” He asked for your number for the sake of causing a ruckus. When you gave it to him, he had no idea what to do with it because he had no intention of ever actually getting it.
Think of all the times you’ve met guys at a bar/at a concert/while getting a pap smear. Even though these are relative strangers you’re dealing with, some kind of conversation ensues before you exchange contact info. That little bit of conversation is important, because it provides context for future exchanges, which lead to dates. Mumbling “something about a housewarming party” does not leave a lot of openings for future witty banter. I mean really, were you prepared for this guy to just text you an address at which you would just appear at the proper time?
Moving forward, refrain from giving your number out to strangers in cars, for the sake of your own safety if nothing else. In the mean time, I need to see about getting myself a BMW with a built-in PA system.
Got a mysterious sext that needs interpreting? Send it to Head Pro at [email protected] and he may help you figure it out.