October 22, 2013
Dear Head Pro,
I have been booty calling this guy for like a couple of weeks now. When I first met him he was soooo into me but after we went a date, he wasn't so much anymore. It drove me crazy because during/2 hours after the date he was still so into me. Like, what happened?
I was so over it when he texted me (and i ignored that text). That night, I blacked out and for some reason I thought it was okay to booty call him. That's how this started. He lives far away so he has to drive for like 2 hours to get here. It was 2 in the morning on a weekday. The next week, it happened again. And then the next. But the third week was different because I wasn't drunk, I was just bored as fuck and out of drugs. When he is around me, he is the sweetest human being, so affectionate and lovey dovey but his bait and switch drives me insane.
So, I kind of stalk his Facebook and I know that's batshit crazy status but I saw that he recently added a random girl that he wouldn't be friends with unless they are fucking. I asked him to come to a friend's party this weekend but he said he has "crazy schedule" . What if he's going on a date with this girl???
I mean honestly, I don't care if we are just purely fucking because I am okay with being single right now. But if that's the case, I just want him to only have sex with me. How do I confront him and tell him that without driving him away? Also, isn't he a little too far away for a FWB? :/
Insert random signoff here,
He might read this
Dear I Hope He Does,
Well, I think it’s clear that you’ve found a solution to the drug shortage situation. Let me start off by saying that I don’t know what the fuck the government’s been putting into the water supply lately, but the crazy has been strong in my inbox for the last week or so. This email is probably the top contender, so insane that it drew me in like a tractor beam of mental instability. Tell me: When, if at all, did you first become aware that your brain was made entirely of buttercream frosting and old shoelaces?
Obviously, the best part for the people reading this is the “he recently added a random girl that he wouldn't be friends with unless they are fucking” part. What does that even mean? I’m pretty sure I’m not the guy in question here, and I’m the only person I know of who’s so cool that adding a girl on Facebook means a free pass to the boneyard. How do you even assess that? “Oh, THAT bitch? They must be fucking.” I just… I can’t. There isn’t even a question here. Well, there is, but there’s no information pertinent to it within the rest of the email. Bait and switch? What bait and switch, exactly? Christ, the dude lives two hours away from you. I mean, gosh, what if he IS going on a date with her? How will your non-relationship weather such a storm?
All you’re telling me is that he’s not as into you now as he was when he met you. That’s probably because in that time, he’s had a chance to speak with and/or exchange correspondence with you. For future reference, it’s just a tad unreasonable to expect sexual fidelity from a guy for whom you make no claims of faithfulness yourself. There’s no real way to do that without scaring him off. It’s normal to be bummed when someone you thought was super into you turns out not to be, but chaining him to your radiator probably isn’t the best way to remedy the situation. He’s probably really nice around you because he fears for his life. Bro, if you’re reading this, bang three times on the pipes to let me know you’re still with us.
The scariest part is, the subject line of the email indicated that she met me at the comedy show the other week, and I think I probably signed her copy of Nice is Just a Place in France (which I find hilarious since I didn’t write it). If you don’t see another post from me this week, alert the DC-area authorities because I’m probably strapped into a gimp suit in her basement somewhere.
What are Likely My Final Kisses,
Dear Head Pro,
I have a genuine question of interest for you concerning men in their late twenties. Why is it that so many of them have a fear of attachment or fear of being vulnerable when they're dating a good girl then just get scared and bail? This has happened to not just me but many of my girls too. It seems like lots of decent bros enjoy dating me in the beginning, then when things start to progress (aka they bring ME to a wedding, to meet their whole family on more than one occasion, etc.) they get cold feet and dip out, when they're the ones taking it to the next level on their own accord. Why do so many guys in their late 20s have this fear of attachment (when the girl hasn't given them any inclination that shes gonna fuck them over) when their friends are settling down into their jobs and getting engaged and whatnot? Help a sista out!
Dear Seeking Answers,
They don’t! Very few people have an actual fear of commitment. They just decide they don’t like you any longer!
Are you available to go to a wedding this weekend, provided I survive?
Dear Head Pro,
How do deal with a guy who literally has nothing to say after an argument... We'll get into a fight and as usual I want to talk about it because I can't move on from a situation unless it's fixed and so I'll spend a good amount of time explaining to him how I feel and he'll sit in silence and I'm forced to ask him if he has anything to say and he'll literally tell me, "I don't know what to say" EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. It's so frustrating because I'm basically wasting my time and it's not fair. I might as well be dating a wall because I'd get the same response which is NOTHING. As my "partner", I just wish he would commiserate with me and say SOMETHING, freaking anything, some sort of response so I don't feel like I'm talking to air.
Tired Of It
Dear Tired of It,
Alright, I have to admit that I’m as guilty of this as any guy out there. It helps to keep in mind that men and women usually argue in very different ways. When a fight starts, men are going to attempt to assert, in the most logical way possible, why they believe they’re right. When he says he doesn’t know what to say, it’s because he really doesn’t. As far as he’s concerned, the argument ended as soon as the two of you stopped arguing what he viewed as the “facts” of the situation. Anything beyond that is pointless in our minds. Feelings? Why the fuck are feelings involved? We’re talking about how to load the dishwasher, goddammit! How could you possibly have emotional feelings about it?
You ever seen two bros really get into it, maybe even an actual fist fight, and as soon as they’re done they act like it never happened? That’s because they settled the matter and have no further attachment to the issue. I think it’s an evolutionary thing - if men harbored grudges, we would have torn the world apart by now. Anyway, that’s not to say your feelings about the argument are invalid. They are, after all, your feelings. The ticket here is to do what you can to create separation between the actual argument and how that argument made you feel.
Most girls are aware that guys aren’t as bad as picking up on their feelings as we’re made out to be. Think about it, how many times have you been asked “what’s wrong?” when you haven’t given him any indication. The point is, we’re not completely emotionally retarded, but as long as you attach how you feel to the argument, he’s going to assume it’s all the same thing. If he thinks you’re now arguing over something abstract like feelings, he’s not going to have anything to say. Instead, try to take some time to yourself so you can both cool down, and THEN let him know how it made you feel. I promise, that will register with him every time.
I TOLD you not to put the nonstick pans in there,