February 20, 2014
Despite how much we might cringe whenever we see another engagement on Facebook, nothing makes us want to scream more than some nice girl posting an article titled “5 reasons to get engaged before you’re 23” with the caption “Totes agree!” This girl is Desperate to Settle aka DTS, and it’s really fucking annoying.
Let’s get one thing straight: betches have nothing against people in happy, long-term relationships. Those girls are obviously boring and can’t sit with us anyway, but they are not to be confused with the DTS.
The DTS is basically the unfortunate cousin of the #66 UGH and the #70 Delusional Dater. She can be identified by her Pinterest board full of engagement rings and desperate need to please some bro who treats her like shit and/or publicly denies they are dating.
Betches are never desperate, so that alone makes the DTS impossible for us to understand. Maybe this girl has some kind of tiger-mother who accuses her of being a lesbian all the time; maybe she has decided life is “totally passing her by” now that she’s hit the ancient age of 23. We honestly could care less. All we know is that she’s somehow been able to justify saying shit like “Kevin’s just really stressed out with work right now. I’m sure things will get better once we move-in together!”
Why does the DTS bother us so much? Because we warn you, the DTS can totally get to your head. After being left alone with her for too long, you might even start to consider adding “actively pursue and lock down a husband” on your to-do list (right after you finishing items 1 and 2: “get a job” and “learn Chinese”).
… That is, until 10 minutes later when you remember you could never be the DTS because you possess a little thing our moms like to nag us about called self-respect (which, according to her, we did not have that time we let our besties mupload a pic of us passed out in a bathroom…but whatever).
So how does all this work out for the DTS long term? Shocker! It doesn’t. Any guy will stick around a while for the easy sex and free shit before going off with a girl who isn’t on the verge of a mental breakdown 24/7. Meanwhile, the DTS will tell her friends she initiated the break up because he was emotionally abusive and that she was like, didn't want to settle, you know?
So, betches, take comfort in the fact that while you’re out making #135 party fouls, a DTS is at home doing some bro’s laundry. Betches don’t do desperate, we do vodka, because unlike relationships, that shit is forever.