February 6, 2014
You go on Facebook and immediately sense something is wrong.
A Pic Stitch of beach shots and dinners and the ring.
Like the grizzled cop who arrives at the crime scene and sees the yellow tape and the photographers and the ambulances, you need no explanation. You already know.
ANOTHER PERSON GOT FUCKING ENGAGED.
If you’re anything like me (Ashkenazi and allergic to cats), happening upon yet another social media engagement is a jarring experience that spirals me into a pit of introspection and evaluation. All I wanted to do was stalk some randos, but now I’m locked down for a solid fifteen minutes of self-flagellation.
It’s called Engagement Enragement and I fucking hate it.
Sure your pictures are cliché and your statuses are melodramatic, but hey; it’s a beautiful thing. You’ve found the love of your life and are willing to risk the insurmountable odds and give this whole monogamy fad a go. Good for you.
Unfortunately I am a narcissist. Thus, I have no choice but to turn your good news into my own personal performance review:
“You couldn’t handle that kind of commitment.”
“You’re way too immature to handle that responsibility”
“Are you gonna go vegan? Why not? Everyone is doing it!!!”
See the kind of pain you inflict with the simple press of a post from your bejeweled finger? Selfiiiish…..
I’ll still probably have this argument when I’m 35, but right now I’m 24 and I simply don’t get why people get married at my age.
I think my grandparents got married at 24. You know what else they did? Owned a coal-powered vibrator and thought Asian people could fly. Get with the times, people.
Our generation is going to live until we’re 120 with brain transplants and robot spider legs, and you’re getting married mid-way through grad school? *eye roll* *actually fuck that, full body roll. I’m rolling on the ground like an itchy dog*
This might sound like some Ja’mie-ish bullying, but that’s because it is and ew, borders, BUT the majority of people I see getting engaged at this stage of the game are:
When I say “Losers” I mean, nice, quiet guys who played cards in high school on Saturday nights and girls who got drunk for the first time in college. They’re each other’s first “real” relationship and are too content to experience strange partners and continuous heartbreak. So, y’know, like, total losers.
Then there are like Persians and Orthodox and whatever Christian-version of that is, who are getting hitched because if not, they will be shunned by the community and forced to wear an S for single written in hummus on their shirts.
See how I make them the undesirables and not myself? Epic-level delusion.
He DJs at an Investment Bank and she teaches sign language to cats. I’m sure you two will be able to support each other in no time.
Unless you really are #killingit, I’ve got to assume your parents pay for stuff. And if that’s the case, maybe you should prioritize. I’m all for sucking from the teat, but there seems to be something a tad silly about taking on such an adult endeavor like marriage while still having Dad pay for Netflix.
So the main reason why the engage makes me gag? Because I couldn’t handle it and may be, possibly, kind of, a little, jealous. But guess what? I’m not alone. Comments section, BACK ME UP!!
The Social Assasin is a bro who currently lives in NYC. His idol is Larry David and his favorite order at Starbucks is one of those vanilla bullshit things. Follow him on Twitter.